This is the gift John gave me on Mother's Day. It is a poem he wrote a few months ago (thus, the original tear-out sheet from his personal notebook). I cried when I read the words, taped to a card he made just for me, because what he offered was more than a gift... it was a glimmer of hope, and it tells me that he is looking beyond his own problems and that he is aware of the mistakes he's made. And so although we are still weathering the storm, for a moment I saw a break in the clouds.
so many times, so I ask you why.
When I look into your eyes
it's then I see all those tears fell over me
for your fear of losing me.
Mom, I gotta tell the truth,
my love for you goes through the roof.
But you raised me to be a man.
Against all odds, I can tell you that I am.
A few weeks ago, my mom offered some wise advice: she told me that in spite of the difficulties we are having with John, it is important for me to not let those problems consume my every waking hour - because if I were to do that, I would 1) lose myself and begin to resent my son, and 2) give John power to control my life... both things I do not want to see happen. My mom's advice was accompanied with the gentle walking suggestion (which I listened to loud and clear and implemented immediately).
And so in keeping with the theory, "Mother knows best," I decided that I wanted to surround myself with flowers this summer. Flowers are happy things. Flowers are pretty things. Flowers represent growth and beauty. Flowers are good!
Planting flowers sounds simple enough. But for a girl who doesn't enjoy gardening and who would prefer to read a book rather than dig in the dirt, surrounding myself with flowers has become quite a project. The solution to my "I hate gardening" hang up was to use clay pots and plant flowers that could be placed on my deck... the very place where I read my books! It was a win-win all the way around.
When I told Jeff about my flower project, the first thing he did was go out and buy me two hibiscus trees (or are those bushes? I have no clue... because... well... I don't garden). The only thing I know about hibiscus plants is that hummingbirds love them. And although I don't like birds, I do like hummingbirds because they are so delicate.
So far, no hummingbirds. But to entice them, Jeff gave me this for Mother's Day:
After we were set up with the hibiscus plants, we ventured to Home Depot to check out the garden center (a place I am not very familiar with). Here are the flowers we decided to plant - we used clay pots that I had stored under our deck, and we recycled the potting soil that Alyssa used last year.
And finally, because I take everything my mom says as the gospel truth, I thought that biking would be a fun thing to do during the summer months. Yesterday, Jeff gave my bicycle a good scrub and a tune up. Here I am taking it for a quick spin before gearing up for our first ride of the season:
I've got to hand it to my mom - she really does know best! And although we are still weathering the storm, following her advice has allowed me to step away from the storm for a few moments at a time, and that has helped me regroup and find a sense of balance.
When all is said and done, sometimes a break in the clouds is just enough to help see us through life's difficult moments. And flowers... flowers make everything better!
Kelly: I've followed the link to your blog from 2 peas on occassion much as I did today on a thread and since you don't know me from Adam, I've never commented. Our kids are the same age and you are enduring similar life hurdles as me so I just wanted to reach out today and give you some vitual hugs and let you know that you just have to keep holding on tight to your positive attitude and keep believing that all life lessons are valuable!
Your kids will be fine, you've built a strong foundation, and you will be fine too as you transition to the next phase of parenthood... letting go as they turn into bondfide adults. My daughter is also wrapping up her freshman year of college and my 17 year old son has given me many challenges, most recently a 17 month battle with depression and anorexia which is a toughie w/ boys...ugh!
I laughed out loud scrolling through your posts because I also rec'd the AARP invite and had the EXACT reaction... and, I hate to admit it to a complete stranger... have experianced the horror of chin hair myself recently! Gasp!
Anyway, just another kindred spirit out here rooting for you, praying for your family and sending thoughts your way.
Take care,
Kerry
Posted by: Kerry Mohondro | May 20, 2009 at 02:05 AM
that poem is beautiful! your mother is right - you can't let it consume you. when i was living for other people, i neglected myself. i gained over 100 pounds because i had to keep my blood sugar steady - low BS meant i could not function and take care of people. the first year i took things slowly but i still made everyone but myself a priority. it wasn't until after knee surgery (which i put off nearly a year because i had to be there for my family), that i decided to put myself first. it was a difficult decision and was not popular with other moms (who could not understand why i couldn't volunteer because i had yoga, had to walk, etc). i am nearing the homestretch with less than 20 pounds to go...maria has finally decided to follow my example and is going to WW, sam is exercising and losing, and samuel is also a lot more active now.my decision became a driving force for our entire family....by taking care of yourself, you are setting an example, providing a model for the rest of your family. you have to be happy with yourself in order to be the rock they need. keep walking!
Posted by: pcsmart | May 13, 2009 at 09:12 AM
Ahhh . . . Kelly. How sweet and I know that is so extremely special to you! And I'm with you on the gardening thing (is there any surprise in that?). Hugs.
Posted by: Heather | May 12, 2009 at 11:50 AM
Happy belated Mother's Day. My dogwood tree is in full bloom. Sure is pretty, all pink. We planted flowers two weekends ago. Michaels favorite is Petunas (sp), so we bought 4 palets from Fred Meyers. We have 5 whiskey barrels that we put these in plus four homemade planters in the back garden. I still have one planter left, will be getting daisies for that one. This past weekend we planted tomatos (five of them), so I will be busy in Aug and Sept making salsa. Kelli took me out for breakfast and Jim bought me cut flowers and took me to see Star Trek for Mother's Day. Very busy. Go in for surgery on Wed, have a small lump on my little toe that is getting removed. Will be out of work for a week. Depending on what the doctor says next week will determine if I go back to work then. Love Randi
Posted by: Randi | May 11, 2009 at 04:26 PM
Aww - that made ME tear up and I don't even HAVE kids. You're a good mom Kel - and your kids know it and love you for it. You'll all get through this crazy time - who knows, you might even look back as a family and laugh someday - probably about the time that John is starting to raise his OWN kids. And Grandma will be able to laugh and say, 'you earned it!' ;)
Posted by: Kelli | May 11, 2009 at 03:22 PM
*SNIFF* Happy Mother's Day!
Posted by: slammie | May 11, 2009 at 02:47 PM
John's poem made me cry. I hope to be half the mom you are as my children grow. I just need to remember there is no instruction book for parenting.
Posted by: Chiara | May 11, 2009 at 02:46 PM
I'm so happy for you, reading this. If anybody deserves a Happy Mother's Day, it's you my friend. Always thinking of you....
Posted by: Barb | May 11, 2009 at 02:44 PM
Oh Kelly, your post brought tears to MY eyes. Thanks for the inspiration today. Helps me see the silver linings, and how love runs deeper than present situations. Big hugs and Happy Mother's day. XO
Posted by: Barbie | May 11, 2009 at 02:38 PM