Teenagers + Summer = Not My Favorite Combination
Last week goes down in history as being the one single week when every stereotype, cliche and preconceived notion about teenagers came true. If I had it my way, last week would be erased from my life entirely and I would go merrily about the business of being a parent thinking I was possibly doing a good job. As it is, I'm not merry and I'm not doing that great of a job being a parent because last week was the week from hell as far as being a mom goes.
Monday started out with a traumatic break-up between John and his girlfriend, and as the week progressed, the days quickly moved on to be filled with drama and girls, and all sorts of back and forth angst. When all was said and done, John had gotten into a fight, dislocated his jaw, messed up his face, and barely escaped another nose break. He's a mess. His face is swollen and discolored, his mouth is all cut up, and he now has a new girlfriend.
What's a mom to do? I sat back on the sidelines watching it unfold as I bit my tongue and tried my best to keep my opinions to myself. To say I was stressed would be putting it mildly. Lots of drama. Lots of late night coming and goings. And lots of minding my own business. It was all I could do to not cry when John came home after the altercation.
Fast forward to the weekend. All I can say is, "The combination of teenage drivers, idle summer nights, and kids claiming their independence is almost too much for a mom to bear."
Without going into too many details, I will say this about that: I've got an 18 year old daughter who is sewing far too many wild oats before she leaves for college. This is the child who earned awards and scholarships just last month... the girl who has not been grounded since the age of 13... the one who has not given me an ounce of trouble in all of her teenage days... the person who has a job and who saves her money... the teenager who has been easy to raise... the daughter who has given me joy beyond compare. So what the heck is happening to her this summer? Is it because she turned 18 and graduated all in the same week? Is it because she has never rebelled? Or is it because she really doesn't know any better? I just don't know and my heart is aching.
To sum it up, Friday night involved an extremely poor decision made by Alyssa that ended up taking her to a dangerous part of D.C., a dance club/bar, an hour long taxi ride to get her home, a really late missed curfew, a lost purse, a very scared girl, and a whole lot of tears, not to mention the lies and the booze that were involve. I have never been so worried in my entire life. And now that she is home safe, I am mad and hurt and confused.
Some may ask why I chose to air my dirty laundry on the blog. My response to that is two-fold : 1) to say that I am just now figuring out that good kids can make bad choices, and 2) to say that no matter what we do as parents, there comes a time when we have to watch them make their own mistakes. The hope is that those mistakes become learning tools and that our teenagers will not repeat the same offense twice. Does this happen? I don't know. Am I delusional? Possibly. But the bottom line is that I'm doing my best and even my best cannot protect my teenagers every minute of every day. My kids are growing up and, unfortunately, that means they are going to screw up now and then - a fact that I hate to admit, but a fact, nonetheless. It also means there is not a damn thing I can do about it except continue to offer unconditional love and try to steer them back on the right track once a mistake is made.
The bottom line is that at this moment in time, I am not handling the parenting thing too well. I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm angry. And, worse, I'm at a loss. So if anyone wants to know how my summer is going, all I can say is YIKES. And when all is said and done, I still have to let her go in five weeks when she heads off to college. The thought scares me to death because not only am I not ready, now I am wondering if she is ready for all that freedom.
So... does anyone have any idea on how to "ground" an 18 year old who will only be living at home for five more weeks? She already doesn't have car keys. And barring house arrest, I doubt there is much more I can do that will make the impact I'm hoping for. Maybe the experience alone was enough of a punishment to teach the lesson, because if it wasn't, my fear is that this summer is only going to get worse.
I'm sorry Kelly. Obviously I have no advice, but at this age, I think she's past the parental punishment stage. Hopefully the experience scared her enought to make her think and make better choices in the future. More hugs coming your way.
Posted by: Barb | July 21, 2008 at 07:56 AM
HI Kelli,
Just had to tell you 'we ae with ya'---my two are almost 12 and almost 13. I am not looking forward to this part of parenting. They are such good kids just like Alyssa and John are and it's really hard to take that they still make bad choices. I commend and thank you for sharing so I stay aware that the good kids don't always do exactly what they should. Will keep you and yours in our prayers and keep looking for that light.....at the end of the tunnel!! Take good care of you!
Posted by: Susan | July 21, 2008 at 12:11 AM
double giant hugs for you, sweetie....
Posted by: slammie | July 20, 2008 at 05:48 PM
Kelly, I have 3 teens - almost 19, 17 and 15. I too have been where you are, and worse. My oldest has been a huge test in parenting for us, and he also does not have access to car keys, for LOTS of reasons. Some days, I'm still surprised that he hasn't been evicted from his own house! They do test us, they think they are invincible, they drive us crazy and make mistakes (sometimes life altering ones). Hang in there - it isn't easy and I too have felt useless as a mother. The kids need to learn their own lessons, and all we can do is support them and let them know that their home is always available to them. Friends with kids who are now adults tell me that they survived and their kids did eventually turn the corner, for the better.
Posted by: Danielle | July 20, 2008 at 12:34 PM
hugs, hugs, hugs! I wish I had advice for you . . . .but all I can do is send hugs!
Posted by: Heather | July 19, 2008 at 11:24 PM
HUGS Kelly as the teenager that gave her parents fits all through high school and now as a mother of a almost teen I feel for you. HUGS. You are a good parent. I told me mom a few years ago "I apologize for all the dumb choices and the things I did to scare you when I was in high school". My mom is a great mom unfortunately even great moms and great kids have issues at times.
No clue how to punish her now. But big HUGS
Posted by: becky | July 19, 2008 at 08:37 PM