Mean Girls

Does it ever end - the mean girl mentality? The answer is: sometimes, no... it does not end.

Alyssa is a senior - she only has three weeks left of high school, and one would think that by now the mean girls would have grown up. Apparently, they have not. The current drama is about the Prom, and dates, and transportation, and probably a whole bunch of other things I have no clue of. Regardless of the reason, I find myself once again witness to the pain that mean girls cause. This time around, I have a 17 year old daughter who is crying her heart out because, "everyone hates me," and she is missing her senior class trip to Hershey Park this weekend (it was her choice not to go because she didn't want to deal with the drama and the humiliation of being shunned).

As a mother, it infuriates me that the same girls who were mean in elementary school are the girls who are mean in high school. I'm guessing these will be the same girls who grow up to be the snotty moms that create all sorts of drama in the PTA, because the unfortunate truth of the matter is that mean girls don't always outgrow the mean girl mentality... sometimes, mean girls grow up to be mean woman, and the mean gene is there for life.

For the past year John has dated a girl named Taylor. She is the victim of a group of mean girls in her class, and on numerous occasions, I have helplessly watched Taylor suffer unkind acts. And every time she hurts, my heart goes out to this shy, sweet, loving girl. I have grown very fond of Taylor and I am always happy when she spends time in our home because I know she feels safe and loved when she is here. And even though it's not much, it is nice to be able to offer her that - a peaceful environment away from the mean girls, if only for a few hours.

Sadly (for me and for Taylor), John broke up with Taylor this spring. The first thought I had when he told me he was breaking up with her was, "where will she go when those mean girls attack?" The second thought I had was that I would miss her terribly. But, as so often happens with teens, girlfriends and boyfriends come and go and it's not my place as a parent to interfere just because I have grown close to a passing crush. As it was, John predicted that the break up would be more difficult for me than it was for him. He was right!

Since John and Taylor broke up, Taylor has stopped by to see John on several occasions. Always, I greet her with a hug and tell her how much I miss her (probably not the cool mom thing to do, but I can't help it... I adore her). Yesterday, Taylor called and asked if she could stop by - she told John that she had something for me. Since John knows how much I like Taylor, he kindly invited her over. Come to find out, Taylor had heard that I've been very sick (bronchitis - it hit me fast and hard, and I've been in bed for days), and because she is so sweet, she brought me a card and some flowers. Oh how I love this girl! She is truly one of the good ones.

After Taylor left, I thought about how she has stayed so sweet in spite of being verbally attacked by the mean girls for an entire school year. Between Taylor and Alyssa, too often I have witnessed the fallout from mean girls as I've watched these two girls suffer. And to be honest, it hurts me almost as much as it hurts them because I am helpless to change the situation. But the fact that Taylor and Alyssa are both still sweet after being treated the way they have tells me that they have changed the situation! They have overcome the obstacles and are better people because of the suffering they have endured, which doesn't make it okay, nor does it make the pain go away... it is just a product of their need to survive the painful high school years.

And so I guess the whole point of this post is to say to all the moms who deal with the pain of watching our daughters ache, my hope is that our daughters will be the girls who will grow up and become compassionate adults; that our daughters will be stronger because of the suffering. Because yesterday, when I looked into Taylor's eyes that were filled with kindness, I realized that she has risen above the mean girls - and she is beautiful inside and out (although this is something she has yet to discover). Yesterday, it was apparent to me that the painful journey of being a victim of the mean girls has taught Taylor to look beyond the nasty head cheerleaders and the vain Prom Queens. She is miles ahead of those who choose to hurt others, because Taylor has grown up to become a caring and compassionate young woman - something the mean girls may never know.

In the end, I know it's all part of growing up. And I know that growing up is painful. But that doesn't make it any easier to endure or to watch. And that doesn't make it okay. Knowing how mean girls act only serves to remind me that Alyssa and Taylor are not the only victims. Which is unfortunate, because being a teenager is difficult enough without being verbally attacked or publicly shunned by ones peers. And to see these girls cry... well, it just breaks my heart. No one deserves that.

Comments

[Heather]

Hey Kelly . . . .been out of touch for awhile with a renovation project of my own But had to jump on while I had the chance and check on you. . . loving the hugs and kisses room! Had to post on this entry, as I so know what you mean from several different levels. The Mean Girls have started in the 3rd grade . . . they did a bullying thing at the beginning of the year, well, frankly, they were present in Allie's cabin at church camp last summer. @@ The older (not using the word mature -- because they so aren't!) mean girls are the ones that have convinced me I never want to be a part of that PTA thing again! And the mean girl mommies are teaching their kindergarten daughters to be the same way to the little girl in Alaina's classroom that has had lice on and off all year long. I was so sad when I heard mean girl mommy #1 tell MGM#2 that her dd had told the little girl she couldn't sit by her/play with her/talk to her. . . .because that's what her mom had told her. Even worse, she said she knew it hurt the little girl's feelings, but she didn't care. {sigh} I hate mean girl drama.

((((((Alyssa))))))

[Angie]

Kelly,
So funny that you would write about this as I was thinking of this very topic just the other day (heck it may have been yesterday - I can't keep track :-)) As the mom of two girls who just turned five I worry about mean girls all the time. First hoping my girls don't encounter them too often and secondly wanting to be sure I am not creating mean girls. It's a treacherous world. Sorry Alyssa is being bullied.

[pc smart]

this post really takes me back to those days... i remember those girls all too well. funny story though...years later when i was out at a bar, one of the worst meanies was there, a bit in the cups. she saw me and tried so hard to get me to remember who she was but i didn't want to give her that pleasure. then she said something i will never forget - "we were only mean to you because we were jealous. you had a cool life with people outside of the school and seemed to always be off to fun parties. you never cared what anyone else thought and that just pissed us off - so we decided to make your life inside school a living hell". it was like she was asking me to exonerate her for her horrid behavior. i just walked away and left her alone at the bar. it felt good. i tell my daughter this story every time the mean girls start up again....just to remind her what is really going on....i tell her to treat them with pity rather than hatred, their lives are so empty

your daughter is pretty and has a great shape, she is smart and has a fab personality - it is pure envy driving these girls.

[Betsy]

I have 3 teenage daughters, so I know EXACTLY where you are coming from!! It is no fun dealing with mean girls! After having been through prom, let's see...5 times now...I have come to realize that there is always going to "Prom Drama". I hate that because it is supposed to be such a fun time. But inevitably it ends up with someone's feelings hurt, or someone left out.

Bless Alyssa's heart. I know what a sweet girl she is just from all you've told us about her. Luckily she has a mom like you to love her through the rough times!

[Barb]

This makes me both sad as well as angry to read. Already, my 5th grader is well versed in the wrath of the mean girls. It started here at about second grade....right when everybody figured out that my very tall, athletically built brunette didn't look like the other little blond popular waifs, and was therefore "not worthy".

Unfortunately, age doesn't necessarily make things better either. Sadly, last year I was hurt to the core by somebody that I had truly loved and cared about. Turns out that she was a 40-year-old mean girl and I just got blindsided by it when she got jealous of me (over something really ridiculous).

I'd like to tell my daughter that things get better, but we all know that it really doesn't. It's just how we deal with it that counts. Big hugs to lovely Alyssa and Taylor. :-(

[slammie]

GIANT HUGS to Alyssa. I have to agree with the others - what goes around does come around in time. HUGS to you, too, on the bronchitis....

[Nancy G.]

Unfortunately, there are "mean boys" as well. When you have a very kind hearted son, he can be hurt just as deeply.

[Kirsten]

I am so dreading this - my girl is 8, and I see it already. I never thought about who those mean girls grow up to be, but I think you're right, and now, come to think of it, I know exactly who they are. Bless your heart for having a safe place for Taylor to come to visit. It would be great if she and John could somehow remain friendly enough for you to see her. And tell Alyssa from one who knows: it will pass, and she doesn't need those mean girls, they need her. Don't give them the opportunity. She's lucky to have such a caring mama.

[Brandy]

Sometimes the mean girls grow up and realized how selfish and immature and cruel they were(and no, I definitely was not a mean girl). And sometimes they don't. But I say this: what comes around goes around and while they generally try to hide it, over time the mean girls usually get back as good as they give.

[May]

Oh dear. I remember those days, as one that got shunned quite a bit and hurt on a very regular basis. I think, hard as it is, those of us who endure and survive it do come out better. More caring and more sympathetic to others. AND those mean girls... well they can't find the happiness that their victims can later in life. It really is true that what goes around comes around...

Give Alyssa a big hug for E and me. We like her a whole lot!!

[Chiara]

I have been watching this develop from a 1st grade moms eyes and it is already there. I am teaching my little girl to be her own person and to do what she thinks is right but it is so hard when she hurts. Hopefully it will get better but I am sure it will get worse first.

[Jane]

It's so hard. I know because it happened to my daughter too. She just finished her freshman year of college and it was so different! It does get better once high school is behind them. Recommended movie coming out in July: American Teen. It's a documentary and is sure to be insightful where teens and yes, mean girls, are concerned.