I look at her and wonder where the time went. She already has one foot out the door. And yet, every once in a while, I see a glimpse of the little girl she used to be. And as her senior year draws to an end, I ask myself over and over again, "Have I done everything I could to prepare her for what is to come?"
I had no idea that parenting a high school senior would be so difficult. It's that one foot out the door thing - she is so ready to move forward. I'm not ready at all. And so the power struggle has become an underlying theme in our world. If she only knew how much I loved her... how much I care... and how proud of her I am - things might be different. As it is, she is fighting for her independence loud and clear, and the only thing she sees is that freedom from oppression is right around the bend. At this point, all I can do is sit back and let her be, because I remember those days - wanting to spread my wings and fly so badly that I didn't take time to enjoy the moment as I deeply longed for the future. And because I remember what it is like, I have to let her do it her way, in her own time, at her own speed, in spite of the fact that things are moving too fast for me.
Today I looked at what has become known as "The Book of Alyssa." This is a picture book containing her favorite senior photos. I've looked at this book a hundred times since lovingly placing it on my living room table. But today, I looked at it not with the eyes of a mother, but with eyes that might possibly be how she views the pages. What I saw was a teenager on the brink of adulthood. And even though I'm not ready, she is. That much I know... she's ready and excited to enter the next phase of her life. And when I look at it like that - I can't help but be excited for her. My memories of college and first time independence are some of the very best memories I have. When I contemplate the person I am today, it is clear to me that much of who I am was discovered all those years ago. I want my daughter to experience the same thing - a journey of self-discovery and personal growth. And so even though I'm not ready to let her go, I know that the time has come. She needs to take those steps towards independence - she's already begun to do so as she looks to the future and says good-bye to her childhood.
Following is a funky slide-show-collage that I put together this afternoon. It shows several pages from The Book of Alyssa. My hope is that when I look at these pages in the future, I will remember what I felt today as I walked down my own memory lane and recalled what it was like to be on the brink of independence. And just in case I forget, all I need to do is pull up these words and remind myself over and over again that it's time for my daughter to begin her own journey, because the truth of the matter is: I don't think I will ever be ready to say good-bye to this precious child, but it is time to let her grow.
Beautiful pictures!
The family that I painted the Jerusalem mural for (they have six kids) had their oldest daughter get married last summer, and now she's pregnant. I was talking to the mom a little while ago, and she said, "Yeah, people say to me, 'You got one out of the house, now five more to go!' and I say, 'Are you kidding? She bugs me more now than she ever did when she was at home!'" I'm sure you'll have a wonderful relationship in the years ahead.
Posted by: Helena | April 07, 2008 at 11:38 PM
Oh my gosh, I just posted on my blog just yesterday the same thing. Elizabeth will graduate in less than two months too. Where has the time gone? I'm excited and happy for her but at the same time it's so depressing. I'm sorting through all her pictures to make a video for her. It seems like just yesterday she was my "baby girl". I so understand your feelings. Alyssa is a very pretty young woman.
Posted by: Kim B. | April 03, 2008 at 09:52 PM
She's beautiful and ready to take on the world because you'll always be there to help her and because you've taught her well. HUGS, Mommy!
Posted by: slammie | April 03, 2008 at 12:48 PM
My daughter went away to college this past year. At first it is hard letting go - but then you realize how much fun they are having being independent. The best thing is that they are happy and busy making new friends and experiencing all the college life has to offer. I try to limit my calling, email and let her know that I am there if she needs me or wants to talk to me. When you go past their room and it stays clean - well, it makes you want to cry because it looks like a shrine. But now she will be home for summer soon and I will have to get used to having her around all over again and enjoy the time we have.
Posted by: ellief | April 02, 2008 at 11:30 PM
Waaaahhhhh! I can't believe her senior year is almost over! While I've still got a ways to go before one leaves for college, I've already hit the "we're more than 1/2 way through the schooling" thing.
Loving the senior pictures. .. .they turned out great! And what a great book.
Posted by: heather | April 02, 2008 at 08:56 PM
She`s baaaack!!!!!! and we are so happy you are. 2 years ago I was in your shoes. we had walked to the car after a full day of setting up the dorm room. I hugged my son and couldn`t even say bye, I would fall to pieces. I watched him cross the street to his new "home" and the flood gates opened. as we drove away I told my husband to go back and get him I couldn`t do it. he called during our 5 hour drive home to tell us he had taken a shower. (first community shower). I thought it might be a good idea for him to take summer school and get a job this summer. lets just skip coming home this year. my how things change!
Posted by: Becky H | April 02, 2008 at 08:37 PM
Kelly, I'm so glad to see you blogging again! It made my day to click on your blog and see an update. Glad you're doing OK, AARP/perimenopause aside. The photos of Alyssa are gorgeous!
Posted by: Amy Sorensen | April 02, 2008 at 07:45 PM
Alyssa is absolutely beautiful. You have done a great job with her and she will never forget all that you have done and taught her. I just hope I can raise Kenzie as well as you raised Alyssa.
I Love You and can not wait to see you.
Posted by: jenny | April 02, 2008 at 07:17 PM
I too have a senior (boy), it is interesting time in our relationship. I have it worse than you, he got a job at a summer camp several hours from home so I "lose" him on May 29th! I pray that he takes the strong foundation, in faith, skills, scholarship, morals, etc and builds a strong "house" on it. He has always been self-assured and comfortable in his own skin, just hope that this continues. Best of luck to both of us as we neogiate these rough waters.
Posted by: LYNNE | April 02, 2008 at 06:05 PM