The mood in Virginia is somber. The killings on the Virginia Tech campus have shaken us to the core and we are a state that is grieving. My heart aches as the news brings more terrible details to light. This hits so close to home. And now we find out that the gunman went to high school not far from my town. My kids play sports at that high school. That is too close for comfort, even for a bizarre and senseless crime.
Alyssa is understandably upset. Some of the fallen students were close to her age. Her friends have siblings at Tech. Additionally, VT is located fifteen miles from the college she wants to attend. So yeah, she's upset. Last night, she asked if she could stay home from school today. She told me she was scared. After I tried to assure her that her school was safe and that she had nothing to fear (did I lie?), she went to bed where she tossed and turned all night.
Knowing that I was unable to take away her fear literally broke my heart, and I, too, was tossing and turning. Not surprisingly, I did what I usually do when a national crisis occurs: I stayed up all night glued to the television, trying to learn every fact and detail available. Today I have thought about why I do this, because clearly it is not healthy. After much consideration, I have concluded that the reason I feel compelled to watch every minute of news coverage is because I believe that knowledge is power, and when something as horrendous as a college campus massacre occurs, I feel helpless. The one thing that I can control is the amount of information I learn about the event. I can't control anything else... but I can control what I learn, and for some reason, that helps me makes sense of senseless acts.
After staying awake all night, I found myself to be very emotional this morning. I tried to watch the morning news programs, but that was more than I could bear. This event is so horrendous that I think maybe there is no sense to be made at all; we will never be satisfied with the answers as to why this man shot more than 60 people and killed thirty two of his victims. And regardless of the facts that are learned, our country will always mourn the loss of life that occurred on the campus of Virginia Tech. Sometimes, bad things happen and the only thing we can do is move on, which is not to say the event less heinous, but rather the event is such that no matter what information is gained, nothing will erase the pain or take away the evil act.
And so it was that I grabbed my car keys and drove to the bookstore this afternoon. The bookstore is my breath of fresh air. Walking along the aisles and gazing at books filled with millions of words gives me comfort. Touching the spines of hardbacks, reading the author's names perfectly alphabetized, looking at shelf upon shelf of books categorized by genre and subject, the scent of coffee wafting from the cafe, the sound of pages turning, a mother shushing her child... it is these things and more that offer peace of mind when I am in a bookstore. Books pay tribute to the living and to the dead because it is in those pages that their stories are told. Maybe that is why I was compelled to go there today. I don't know... I just know that I felt better after spending two hours walking amid the books. My ache is still strong, but the pain seems more bearable.
Tomorrow I leave for Detroit. I'll be away from home for less than 48 hours. And yet tonight I feel as though I am abandoning my children in their time of need. And I feel guilty for leaving the state of Virginia during this time of mourning. I know that life must go on, because after all, life is for the living, and the pain that we feel makes us aware of how very fragile life is. Maybe the ache means that the wound is beginning to heal. Or maybe... I am just numb.
I hope you have a good trip.
I know what you mean about being in a bookstore. The information and ideas hanging thick in the air are humbling and inspiring. The fragrance, heavenly with the scent of crisp, new paper and enticing notes of fancy coffees wafting from the cafe is intoxicating! I would love to fall into one of those comfy, cushy chairs and stay allllllll day. : )
Posted by: tracy whitney | April 21, 2007 at 07:22 AM
I agree with May! You have to go on and know that even over here in Sweden our prayers are with you. BBC and CNN has had extensive coverage including the memorial ceremony as well as the local tv stations. This is a heart wrenching story all over the world. As a West Virginia U alum, it impacts me even harder as I know the state and the school.
Posted by: Regina | April 19, 2007 at 05:06 AM
Oh sweet girl. I wish there was something--anything--I could say or do to make your day better but I know that's just not possible. Huge hugs and prayers to you and yours.
xoxo.
Posted by: Becca | April 19, 2007 at 12:06 AM
My biggest fear is not so much that I will not be able to protect my children, but that they will feel unprotected and vulnerable. Scared. That I will be unable to comfort them. My heart is breaking for the families and students. Hugs and prayers.
Posted by: Sudie | April 18, 2007 at 04:07 PM
{{Big.Hugs}}...So.sorry.to.have.to.catch.up.w/your.blog.on.such.a.sad.note...But.wanted.to.voice.my.support...Spacebar.broken.i.hope.you.can.read.this....Wishing.you.healing.and.comfort.
Posted by: Barbie | April 18, 2007 at 03:17 PM
I understand the need for information. I remember being absolutely OBSESSIVE after 9/11. Every website, google hit... as if somehow I could make it better by learning more. (sigh) The pain is indeed great, and won't fade quickly. But as you said, life has to go on. ((HUGS)) and much love and support.
Posted by: may | April 17, 2007 at 10:59 PM