The Dark Side

Stress.
I've got it.
Not a little, but a lot.
Issues with John... they just keep coming.
One of the worst things in life is getting called by the school regarding "problems."
Even worse than that is a request for a meeting to discuss said "problems."
To add insult to injury, the words attitude and plummeting grades were mentioned.
I'm losing this child, and I don't know what to do.
I feel helpless and lost.
Love is not enough.
Boundaries aren't working.
I'm raising a teenage rebel, and he's out of control.
And still... I love him with every fiber of my being.
I won't give up.
I can't give up.
I refuse to give up.
And so I pray.
And I cry.
And I put one foot in front of the other and just keep trying.
And I pray some more.
And then I cry some more.
And then I retreat into my own world and watch t.v.
All night long, I stare at the screen.
It's my escape.
During the day, I have to deal and cope and carry on.
But at night, I hide in the dark.
I can't sleep, and so I hide in a world that is pretend and not real.
It's all I can do.
Because the options are unthinkable and unacceptable.
I WILL NOT LOSE MY SON.
No matter what it takes, I won't give up.
I can't give up.
Giving up is not an option.
And still, my love for this child continues to grow.
Unconditional love.
This is what it means.
I had no idea.
Unconditional love hurts.
Yet it is stronger than anything I've ever known.
This is the dark side of motherhood.
And still, I am blessed.

Comments

[Adrienne]

Hang in there Kelly! Im praying for you!!!!

[Kip]

I'm sorry he's struggling so hard Kelley and sorry, you are too. I don't have any advice except to say I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs.

Kip

[Becca]

Keep the faith, friend--that's all you can do at times like these!

Love you!
xoxo.

[Tawnya]

One day at a time sweetie... heck, one minute at a time if need be... you can do it.. praying for you. love you!

[Becky H]

thinking of you and your family. wishing tomarrow will be a better day.

[Jennifer S.]

Oh, friend. {{{{{Kelly}}}} I continue to pray for John and your family.

I love you,
Jennifer

[Liz]

Don't give up - he may be "hard" on the outside, but the love you are giving him IS penetrating and he will come back to it some day. (Sorry it's not TODAY!) KEEP UP THE FIGHT!!! ...too many these days just give up!

[Sue]

Hi Kelly, as I was reading your blog it took me straight back to the same kinds of struggles I had with my own son. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all this, too. Believe me it will get easier. I can only look back and say that at the time, I never thought that he would be a decent adult or maybe not even make it to adulthood!! He pushed at every turn. He was never into the roughest scenes such as drugs, but he did a few things that made us worry for his safety and our sanity. He and I were like oil and water every single day. It really took a toll on us at the time. My reality is that we gave my son all the basics of being a good, caring, hard working, God loving person....I was not the kind that could hand it all to God, so we struggled through. Today my son is almost 26 yrs. old. It has taken him a little longer than most his age but he IS the kind of person I always hoped he would be. He still has issues with anger at times, and he still is a hard head, but he is grown and hard working and the most loving man I have ever known. He loves me and the rest of our family with all his heart and is now seeing that all the things that we forced upon him or argued with him about or refused to let him do, were all things that made him what he is today.
I am so sorry tha this is so long.....but keep it up! There is hope and at the end of this tunnel...there is a beautiful rainbow called your son! Have a great day!!

[Chiara]

oh many prayers and hugs are going your way

[Tracy Whitney]

Kelly, just a quick note to say I'm thinking of you...

[Barb]

Thinking of you and praying for you and your family. I admire your strength, Kelly. Hang in there. You have a lot of friends in your corner, pulling for you. If ever you need an ear...

[Teresa Wilkins]

hang in there, girlfriend. Kids really make us work hard at being good parents. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Need to talk, you know my number.

Teresa

[Randi]

How about a new beginning? Is there another school close that he can attend. This way he will has a new start, where the teachers won't judge him on what has been going on. Keep me informed. Thinking of you. My Kelli is getting old (she's 24) (she told me this yesturday). Someone she works with told her that her son is dating our neighbor girl (they're in 5th grade - if you ask me thats to young to be dating). Kelli told her that she use to babysit Hannah and changed her diapers - she feels so old. Take care..and don't give up things will get better.

[Sudie]

I am continuing to pray for your family.

[Amy Sorensen]

Say this to yourself: you are NOT losing him. You only lose him if you let go, and you're not going to let go. You lose him if you judge him or criticize him or put him down, and you won't do those things, either. You lose him if you forget who he is and start believing that how he is NOW is who he is. SPeaking as one who was nearly lost...I know who he is right now is NOT who he IS. This is hard and it will change him but it will NOT last forever.

BIG HUGS.

[Leslie]

Oh, honey -- I am so sorry you are going through this. You guys are always in my thoughts and prayers. You are such a good Momma . . . so cope by whatever means are necessary. Sending lots of (((HUGS))).

[Angie Grimm]

Kelly,
I'm sorry that things are still stressful. I watch my son disappear little by little each day. The reasons are not the same but the result and hurting pain is. I understand what you are saying. I wish it were easier but by virtue of being the people we are - giving up, letting go, retreating - they aren't an option.
I hope things are easier for you very soon.

[kelly]

Don't you just want to scoop him up and hold him, like I am sure you did when he was a baby, and carry him through all this darkness? I second the dungeon and homeschool option, but like May I gravitate to the humor and sarcastic side to deal with issues. Keeping you both in my prayers.

[pc smart]

i am in awe of your determination and dedication. you are a role model for those of us just entering the teen jungle ...

[may]

can we build him a dungeon and homeschool? sorry, humor is my escape from tough times. you hide in TV, I hide in movies and books that are super happy. (((HUGS))) just remember that you have friends who support you and will listen whenever needed. You can do this my friend. (((HUGS)))