Last month I read this book. It stopped me in my tracks and forced me to reevaluate myself as a mother. And although I am nothing like the Cee Cee Wilkes (Lord knows I've never stolen a baby, nor have I ever lived under any name other than my own), I related to how very much Cee Cee Wilkes loved her daughter. When I finished the book, I sent it on to my own mother and I asked her to read it. When she was done, we talked about how the mother in the book was similar to mothers everywhere, because no matter who we are or what we do, we mothers love our children the best we know how, and sometimes, our best does not have the outcome we desire.
All summer long, I've questioned whether I've held on to Alyssa too tightly. And what I've concluded is that Alyssa's answer to that question would be a resounding "yes!" But my response is somewhat different, because the truth is that I knew no other way to love her. I loved her with everything I had, and it might have been more than was necessary. My intent was never to smother... but it seems like that is exactly what I've done. And this summer, as I've been mourning the leaving of my child, she has fought for independence with every ounce of her being. The result has not been pretty: we have been at odds over anything and everything all summer long, and our final days together have been filled with anger and angst.
After an entire summer of discontent, I finally broke down last Friday. I had taken Alyssa to the health department to get a shot that was not available at our doctor's office. What a nightmare. The health department is like the department of immigration - no one speaks English and there are gobs of families with screaming babies and children running wild in a dirty little waiting room. Alyssa and I had to wait for over an hour to get her shot, and she was miffed and cranky the entire time... making sure I knew that she was put out to be subjected to such an afternoon of misery. When we finally were called back into the bowels of hell, we were told that since Alyssa is 18, she could sign her own papers and my presence was unnecessary. Alyssa then asked me to leave the room so that she could take care of her own business - and out I went... to stand in the hall like a little lost puppy. As I stood there feeling worthless and out of place, it was all I could do not to break down in tears. I felt like running through the halls crying, "I don't want her to grow up. I'm not done yet. I'm not ready to let her go." Of course, I managed to keep the tears at bay and the running down the hall scene played out only in my mind. But still... it upset me when I realized that my job is done: I am no longer her guardian or her protector; my role has now changed to that of a distant relation whose only task is to encourage, support and continue to love from afar. Alyssa didn't say a word to me on the way home and it was very difficult not to fall apart in front of her, but since the summer has already gone to hell in an hand basket, I knew that her seeing me cry would only serve as an additional strike against me - so I managed to hold it together with only a sniffle or two. Thank God for sunglasses!
When we got home, Alyssa started clearing out her kitchen cupboard to pack up her food (she has her own cupboard where she keeps things like crystal light and her vitamins). When I looked at that empty cupboard and then looked at the table loaded up with her personal items, I finally fell apart - I had to go up to my room and have a good cry just because it was all too much. And it was at that moment when it hit me that she will be gone in less than a week, and that she won't miss home at all. The thought of not seeing her every day makes me so sad. I want her to be happy and to enjoy college, but it hurts to think that she hates it here so much. Maybe I tried too hard? Maybe I suffocated her and didn't give her room to grow? All I know is that I loved her the only way I know how, and that my love is endless - even when she hurts me. I wish she knew that! I want her to feel that love forever... even when she's gone.
And so to say that this summer has not been the good-bye I'd hoped for would be putting it mildly. Until today, I've been unable to think about it, or to talk about it. And writing about it... well, it took me two months to reach this point. Yesterday, Alyssa and I went out to lunch. It was good - the first peaceful moments we have shared since she graduated. And I felt hope... hope that as we find the balance of our newly defined relationship, we will become friends once more, and that we will each learn to respect the other for loving the best we know how, because at the end of the day, the best is all we can ask for. This summer I've learned that regardless of the hurt we may inflict on each other, the love between a mother and a daughter is worth its weight in gold. I have faith that in time, we will once again delight in the memories as we look toward her future, because without that faith, I would truly be lost when we say good-bye on Friday.
A closing note to those who had given up on there ever being another blog update:
I will always blog... eventually. It is something I do as a way to make sense of life. But I shut down when I am struggling. I resurface... but sometimes it just takes a while. In the meantime, if you wonder what's going on in my world, I started a Facebook because... well... the administration at GMU encouraged the parents to Facebook. So that's what I did. They claim it is a way to keep in touch (if only briefly) with our freshman college student, but I've got to see that to believe it. Alyssa has yet to accept my Friend Invite. Gotta tell you - at first, joining the FB craze made me feel kind of old. But then I realized it was fun, and silly, and crazy. And to be honest, fun and silly and crazy are fine by me because playing with FB has helped me step away from the discontent as I try to learn something new. So stop by. Write on my wall. Leave me a message. Or, just look at the pictures (some are the same as I post here, but I will add others as time allows). If I'm not blogging, I just might be Facebooking (<-- is that a word?). And if I'm not there... then I am probably reading a book or watching reality television or tending to my sick dog (that's a whole 'nuther post), or, dare I suggest that I might just be losing my mind? I'm in transition mode, so I have no idea what I'll be doing as I adjust to not having Alyssa here every day. I'm redefining my role in life, and it's going to be an interesting journey.
Additional closing comments - good finds this summer:
As I've struggled to make the great escape from reality and keep my cool (in more ways than one), I discovered this country band. I'm adding them to my list of favorite artists because their music is refreshing and new and, well... awesome. If you've not yet heard of the band, head on over to iTunes and listen to some of their songs, I think that even non-country fans will find something to enjoy. I've listened to this CD at least 100 times and I'm sure I will listen to it at least that many times again. Three cheers to Lady Antebellum! Their music makes me smile even when I felt like crying.
And for those who have not yet jumped on the Twilight Saga bandwagon, I offer you this:
Twilight may have been a tad bit juvenile, New Moon may have been filled with teenage angst, Eclipse may have been a bit hard to believe, but Breaking Dawn completes this series in a way that satisfies and ties the entire story together with a wonderful conclusion and an ending that was worth waiting for. I was so pleased with the final installment of this series that after I finished Breaking Dawn, I sat down and reread the books back-to-back-to-back... still juvenile, but the series offers a complete package with a well thought out story that entertains. Maybe I enjoy these books because I live with teenagers and so I "get" where Bella, Edward and Jacob are coming from - I think I must relate to them in a motherly way. Or maybe I enjoy the books because I find vampire love stories to be entertaining. Either way, I loved the final book. Thank you Stephenie Meyer for taking my mind off my daughter while I thought of all things vampire related for an entire week.
So there you have it - the summer of my discontent tied up in a single [lengthy] entry. I am hoping that I quickly recover from the long good-bye and that I am able to become a more interesting person. I'm sure to have more time on my hands, and I should be able to find something fun to do, because the truth is: this summer, I've been downright dull, and even I have been bored with myself.
