The Edge of Reason

My Simple Life

Summertime, and the living is easy. I wish this was something I could say every single day. Yet the truth is, life gets in the way and we often forget to just sit back and relax.

But relax is exactly what we have been doing for the past several days - and I've got to admit: it has been wonderful.

It all started when Jeff asked me to join him on a trip to the Home Depot - not my idea of a great date, and definitely not something on my "relaxing" agenda, which included reading, reading, and more reading. But once we got to the Home Depot, we had a lot of fun. The intention was to pick out some new hanging flower pots for our deck.... we ended up not with flowers at all, but instead, with new deck furniture - and that is when the relaxing really began. As far as dates go, our trip to the Home Depot rates right up there!

I wanted to keep my Adirondack gliding chairs because 1) they are comfortable and outdoorsy, and 2) they were an anniversary gift that I gave to Jeff eight years ago, thus, they have sentimental value in spite of their lack of flair and style. What we decided was to work around the Adirondack chairs by adding to the seating with a casual grouping that would be inviting but not too fancy (we are not really fancy folks). What we now have is, in my opinion, as close to perfection as I had ever hoped for: seating for six, with a mix of the old and the new.

From the moment we unloaded the furniture (an adventure in and of itself because we had to rent the Home Depot truck and unload everything ourselves), things just got better and better. All of the following pictures were taken from our deck over a period of three days:

It never ceases to amaze me that although we live in a subdivision in the suburbs there are always wild animals in our vicinity. We see fox, deer, hedgehogs, raccoon, rabbits, skunks (not my favorite animal - and there are a LOT of skunks around here), turtles, and all sorts of other creatures great and small. Since I will always be a farm girl at heart, it delights me when I am able to watch the animals.  And clearly, I get a kick out of taking pictures of them at every opportunity. I only wish I was better at photography and that I would be more prepared because usually, by the time I run in the house and grab my camera, the animals have disappeared. Well... not the turtle... those things move slow as all get out and I could take naps during their road crossing tendencies.

When we lived in Washington state, opossum were a common sight. I can't say that I miss them, because I don't - I find opossum to be rather creepy and really ugly (although as a child, I actually tried to take a baby opossum in and make a pet out of it - the opossum was MEAN and when we took it with us in a shoe box on a car ride to my best friend Darci's house, it got out of the shoe box and chewed the holy heck out of the upholstery in their car. Nasty things, those opossums!). Another animal that was a current sighting in Washington state was the black bear - these bear were not large, they were just chubby creatures who lumbered along. Since we've moved to Virginia, I have yet to see a bear or any kind - and I do miss the bear (sorry, Mom, I know you have all kinds of bears by your house and that they wreck havoc with the trash and whatnot, but I still miss them and I'm hoping to see a whole lot of bears the next time I visit).

To end this meandering, wandering, relaxing, nothing entry, I include a final picture of my hibiscus plants in full bloom. I'm a bit insulted that the hummingbirds are not in the least bit interested in these plants - they won't even stick their nose inside a single flower - I've made it far to easy for them to get their food for free and without effort. But in spite of the fact that the hibiscus were purchased to lure the birds, I am enjoying the multiple new blooms that appear each and every day. And now that I have my comfy, cushy new deck furniture, I will be spending even more time outside enjoying the hibiscus, the hummingbirds, the deer, my dogs, and what really has become my simple life.

The Hummingbirds

Last week we saw all kinds of stormy weather in Virginia, which did nothing to energize my soul, but did everything for the flowers on my deck. After the rains ended, one of my hibiscus plants went crazy with blooms (the other hibiscus seems to have a dormant state of mind - it is a stubborn plant and I've not seen a bloom on it since the first week). And so when the sun finally came out, I decided to bribe the hummingbirds: I moved the hibiscus plants directly under the feeder, hoping to lure the birds to my deck. Prior to and during the rain the feeder had not seen any action - so Jeff suggested that I replace the nasty water, which was a great idea considering that upon close inspection, the water had nasty crud floating in it. Note to self: sugar water must be changed weekly.

I realize that in the grand scheme of life, hibiscus plants and hummingbirds are pretty low on the list of exciting things. But for me, these are always a highlight of my summer - so on my list, they rate right up there. On Sunday, I decided to go on a bird watch. I took my book, my cushy seat cover, and two cameras out on the deck and I waited. And waited. And waited. I was almost ready to give up when all of a sudden... HUMMERS! We had more birds come to visit than I could keep track of. It was thrilling, and so worth the wait.

The following pictures were taken using my Pentax DSLR and my 70-300mm zoom lens (I had to get out the big stuff for this project!). I set the shutter on the auto click setting (I have no idea what that setting is called... it's the one where you push it down and it clicks over and over again), and then I focused the frame using the portrait setting to blur out the background. From there, I just waited for the birds to show up while I had the camera stuck to my eyeball (and yes, I am well aware of the fact that I am a dork to spend an entire afternoon looking through a camera lens waiting for a hummingbird sighting).

These are my three favorite photos:

 

Since Sunday, my deck has seen a ton of hummers. I can now sit at my kitchen table and watch them right up until dark. There is a breed of this bird that is turquoise in color. One summer, that breed was a constant companion. So far this summer, I've only seen one. So now my new goal is to get a picture of the turquoise hummingbird. I have no idea whether I will have the patience to wait and watch with a camera all summer long, but I might... it will depend on the weather (must be good) and my energy level (must be low) - two things that have to be in sync for the kind of patience that would be required for such a shot. The ideal photo would be of the turquoise hummingbird inside a peach hibiscus bloom - but I realize that is setting my goals a little high; I am not a good photographer, nor do I have the kind of patience that may be required to capture that shot. However, if some odd stroke of luck occurs, I will be sure to post the picture. Heck, if I were to get a picture of that, I would probably have it enlarged and framed just so that I could enjoy the beauty for the rest of my days.

To be honest, I really don't like birds at all. But these hummingbirds literally take my breath away. They truly enhance my summer days with their beauty and fragility. And in the grand scheme of my life - pretty things and beautiful flowers are very high on the list of things that make me smile.

My new love with Cover Girl products!

I've always said that I like pretty things - I enjoy surrounding myself with color of every hue, and that includes playing with make up, because make up provides an artist's palette of colors that can be blended and applied in a hundred different ways.

Alyssa has always been fascinated by make up, too. Last week, while looking for an old book, I stumbled across a little photo album that held pictures of days long gone. This one was my favorite discovery - it shows Alyssa's first make up application. She was four years old:

These days, Alyssa is much more adept at make up application. I keep asking her to show me how she does her eyes (she is a pro at blending), but she tells me that the technique is not appropriate for a middle age "mom." Harrumph. I don't appreciate being called middle age, but I do get her point, so I just keep muddling through playing with all the things I have - and believe me, I have a lot of make up!

For some women, shoe shopping is a thrill. For others, clothing shopping makes them happy. And for a lot of my friends, it's purses and handbags that make for a good shopping excursion. But for me, it's the make up. Whenever I am feeling down or blue, or even mad or frustrated, I make a beeline for the make up counter. Cosmetics are such a fun thing to shop for since there is no trying on (thus allowing me to continue to ignore those 8 extra pounds), it always fits (size never matter when looking at eyeshadow or lipstick), and make up is fun to play with once I get home.

I've got a drawer filled with the stuff, and I have yet to decide whether that means I am mad all the time, or if I just have a problem with over-buying make up. Either way, this drawer is Alyssa's favorite drawer in the house. She loves to dig though it and try each and every color. I don't often share my cosmetics, but I've been known to give a lot of them to Alyssa, knowing that she is far more skilled with application than I will ever be.

Note that most of the items in this drawer are Estee Lauder or Bobby Brown products... for you see... unknowingly, I have become a make up snob. It wasn't intentional.... it just happened. And I'm pretty sure the reason it happened is because those are the cosmetic counters that have the most visual appeal when I am on one of my make up extravaganzas.

So what does all this have to do with anything? Well, it has THIS to do about THAT - I've recently made two new cosmetic discoveries. These discoveries are so great that I need to share them with anyone who buys cosmetics - because these discoveries are not for snobs. They are for the everyday girl who just wants to pretty herself up a bit. They are for the girl who is on a budget. They are for the girl who buys her make up at Rite Aid and Target and Walmart. These products are inexpensive, but oh-so-wonderful. These products are for everyone!

How did I find out about these Cover Girl wonders?  Not from shopping, but rather from my other addiction that is known as reality television. Specifically, America's Next Top Model. The show is sponsored by Cover Girl, and last week the models made their season finale Cover Girl commercial (they do this with the end of each cycle, so I've seen my share of Cover Girl products on the show). Last year, they promoted Lash Blast Mascara - THE BEST MASCARA I have ever used, bar none. I love Lash Blast and I will never buy another brand - it was the first drug store cosmetic I had purchased in over fifteen years, and I'm here to say that this is not the Cover Girl product we knew from high school. This is high-end, fabulous, equal to the big names cosmetics.

And so it was that last week I saw another new Cover Girl product unveiled. This time it was a lipstain - NOT to be confused with lipstick, because this lipstain is nothing like lip stick. Yesterday, I put the Outlast Lipstain on at noon. I also applied C.O.Bigelow Menta Lip Shine numerous times throughout the day because I have an obsession with the stuff. The Mentha Shine covered the lipstain, but did not lift it or lighten it. At 5:00 last night, my lips were still stained from just one application at noon! Happy, happy, joy, joy! I don't like lipstick all that much because it always seems to feel gooey on my lips - but with the lipstain... it didn't budge.... not on my teeth... not on the tube of Mentha Shine... and not on my coffee cup or soda can. And the best news was that it didn't feel gooey in the least. I couldn't even tell I had it on. This stuff is a miracle.

Really, I'm just a girl doing the things that girls do: I raise my kids, I tend the dogs, I manage the house, I sew when I find time, I read books and watch t.v. as mindless escape.... and all the while, I want to feel pretty, because as my mom always told me, "Pretty is, is pretty does." And my belief is that pretty comes from the inside out - and if we can find something that works on the outside, it really does help us feel prettier on the inside.

Cover Girl... my new favorite cosmetic company!

Weathering the storm, but there was a break in the clouds.

 

This is the gift John gave me on Mother's Day. It is a poem he wrote a few months ago (thus, the original tear-out sheet from his personal notebook). I cried when I read the words, taped to a card he made just for me, because what he offered was more than a gift... it was a glimmer of hope, and it tells me that he is looking beyond his own problems and that he is aware of the mistakes he's made. And so although we are still weathering the storm, for a moment I saw a break in the clouds.

Dear Mom, I don't know why you cry
so many times, so I ask you why.

When I look into your eyes
it's then I see all those tears fell over me
for your fear of losing me.

Mom, I gotta tell the truth,
my love for you goes through the roof.

But you raised me to be a man.
Against all odds, I can tell you that I am.

A few weeks ago, my mom offered some wise advice: she told me that in spite of the difficulties we are having with John, it is important for me to not let those problems consume my every waking hour - because if I were to do that, I would 1) lose myself and begin to resent my son, and 2) give John power to control my life... both things I do not want to see happen. My mom's advice was accompanied with the gentle walking suggestion (which I listened to loud and clear and implemented immediately).

And so in keeping with the theory, "Mother knows best," I decided that I wanted to surround myself with flowers this summer. Flowers are happy things. Flowers are pretty things. Flowers represent growth and beauty. Flowers are good!

Planting flowers sounds simple enough. But for a girl who doesn't enjoy gardening and who would prefer to read a book rather than dig in the dirt, surrounding myself with flowers has become quite a project. The solution to my "I hate gardening" hang up was to use clay pots and plant flowers that could be placed on my deck... the very place where I read my books! It was a win-win all the way around.

When I told Jeff about my flower project, the first thing he did was go out and buy me two hibiscus trees (or are those bushes? I have no clue... because... well... I don't garden). The only thing I know about hibiscus plants is that hummingbirds love them. And although I don't like birds, I do like hummingbirds because they are so delicate.

 

So far, no hummingbirds. But to entice them, Jeff gave me this for Mother's Day:

After we were set up with the hibiscus plants, we ventured to Home Depot to check out the garden center (a place I am not very familiar with). Here are the flowers we decided to plant - we used clay pots that I had stored under our deck, and we recycled the potting soil that Alyssa used last year.

And finally, because I take everything my mom says as the gospel truth, I thought that biking would be a fun thing to do during the summer months. Yesterday, Jeff gave my bicycle a good scrub and a tune up. Here I am taking it for a quick spin before gearing up for our first ride of the season:

I've got to hand it to my mom - she really does know best! And although we are still weathering the storm, following her advice has allowed me to step away from the storm for a few moments at a time, and that has helped me regroup and find a sense of balance.

When all is said and done, sometimes a break in the clouds is just enough to help see us through life's difficult moments. And flowers... flowers make everything better!

PSA for parents of pre-teens and teens - my personal experience

Pre-post note: This is a very serious subject, and my hope is that if even one person who reads this entry learns something new, my mistakes will not be in vain. And because I take this so seriously, I share no photos today, as to not detract from what I have to share. I pray that there are no judgments passed and that this entry is read with the sincere intent in which it is shared.

Court update in a nutshell: Today John had a court appearance to be arraigned for a misdemeanor crime committed by a minor. He now faces trial on June 1st. The judge appointed him a court ordered attorney; she entered a not-guilty plea, in spite of the fact that John told her he was guilty of possession of marijuana. So we take it from here.

A personal note: A sincere and heartfelt thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all of the kind thoughts and prayers that have been said in our behalf. And a special thank you to Heather for texting me while I was waiting in the courtroom hallway close to hysterics, pacing back and forth for two full hours. Heather, I do so love you! Thank you for being my special BFF - you give me so much more than I will ever be able to reciprocate, and for that, I know I am blessed beyond measure.

And more special thank yous to every single person who took precious time out of their busy lives to comment on my last blog entry - you shared your hearts with me, and I was comforted by your words of kindness and support. I read each and every word and was uplifted and encouraged by everything you shared. Your words offered peace in a time of great need, and although I have not responded to your individual messages, I hold them dear to my heart... please know that when you shared your words, you lifted my spirits and gave me much needed courage.

The specifics in more detail: The judge talked to John about how serious the punishment would be if he pleads guilty: fine, community service, possible time served in juvenile detention center, potential expulsion from school, and loss of driver's license. John is prepared to pay the fine; he knows he will have to do community service. The detention center thing sort of blew his mind and scared the bejeevers out of him, as did the expulsion from school. But since John DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HIS DRIVERS PERMIT, let alone a driver's license - that part doesn't faze him. But the judge didn't want him to accept the [potential of] a full penalty without representation of an attorney - which will cost us a freaking fortune - so she entered the not-guilty plea and ordered a trial. Jeff is furious. I'm just sad. John is pretty quiet about it, but I've not really had a chance to talk with him since she gave her ruling. One of the kids who were involved in this whole mess (the driver of the car) didn't even show up! The cop was a no-show, too, and we are wondering if that may have something to do with her ruling?????

My observations after living this nightmare: I write this as the mother of a 17 and 18 year old, and I share my story as my own way of putting it out there by offering a public service announcement in regard to teenagers today, because to be very honest, these are things I did not know until recently. These practices apply to middle school, high school, and college age children, who are our leaders of tomorrow, and our hope for the future. I had no idea these things were happening until this week, and thus, I believe that other parents may be as clueless as I was until my world fell apart. So here you go - my personal experience in all its gory details.

I preface the following by saying emphatically, "Good kids make bad choices. And, although bad choices are often part of growing up, parents need to be aware of the potential mistakes that can be made - whether it be due to peer pressure, depression, spur of the moment decisions, or just plain rite of passage." When we are talking about our own children, ignorance is not bliss. Education is, therefore, the key.

In the last week, I have learned that it is very common for kids to put the alcohol in everyday, common containers and take those common containers to school and to public places. Examples: vodka goes in a water bottle because it is clear, Kahlua goes in a to-go coffee cup because it looks like coffee, and the cool thing known as "puckers" (these are the vibrant colored liquors that are watered down) go in Gatorade bottles because it looks like a sports drink. The kids then openly carry these containers at school, at the mall, at the movie theaters, etc., enabling them to drink alcohol throughout the day. Rarely are they caught because they pass the containers around and they hide them in their backpacks and their purses; often they even don't try to hide them... but rather carry them proudly out in the open as a way to look cool, be cool, and get a buzz. However, the truth is that the kids are drinking these beverages boldly in the hallways of the school, in the public areas of the mall, and in plain sight elsewhere, because the containers actually look like everyday beverages and no one suspects otherwise. This is a BIG problem and it is becoming a very common practice among middle school, high school, and college age students. I had no idea. Now I know. But still... it takes me by surprise.

John's crime was in relation to possession of marijuana. However, the kids he was with when committing this crime were busted for possession of alcohol (vodka in a water bottle tucked inside a girl's purse), and I sincerely believe chances are that when there is one illegal substance, there will be others, and that all illegal substances can lead to a road of [potential] destruction. The kids who smoke pot most certainly hang with the kids who drink. And to believe that one activity is exclusive of the other is equal to hiding a head in the sand. As a parent of two teens, I refuse to hide my head in the sand. My eyes are wide open, and now I have to figure out what to do with this information... and believe me, it's not easy, because this is out of my realm of experience. I'm sort of grasping at straws with this new-found information.

And so I am sharing these things, not to air my dirty laundry, but because today weighs heavy on my mind as I spent an entire morning - 4 long hours - in court with my 17-year-old son who was busted for possession of an illegal substance in January. As I said, today he pleaded guilty, but the judge did not accept his plea and she administered a NOT guilty plea... and so the kicker is that with an impending trial, this is just the beginning of a bad choice that John made back in January.

Trying to do the right thing when this happened, I did punish my son - I didn't allow him to test for his learner's permit, and he lost all "freedom" privileges, including having friends over, going to friends houses and dating. He also lost all source of income from me - I now give him ZERO money. He also has to undergo random drug and alcohol testing administered by me  - via an Rx from his doctor that I requested by phone. Note that anyone can make this request, so if you have suspicions, make the request - be prepared, because to it is much better to be safe than sorry. I wish that I would have done this last year when my gut told me that "something" was off.

Anyway... I digress... that was it as far as punishment at home - those punishments seemed appropriate at that time, since he was home-bound and unable to attend high school due to his illness, and since the random drug testing now hangs over his head and is in his face every single day since he never knows when I am going to stop at the lab and have him pee in a cup (and I have done so... so these are not empty threats) - so in my mind, the punishment fit the crime; he is broke, he is without driving privileges, he has lost my trust, and he is still stressing because these things are only the beginning of his consequences.

Today, the punishment continued in that he had to spend the morning in court. He was so nervous that he was shaking. He chose to wear dress clothes with a tie as a show of respect for the court (his idea, not mine). And he took his earring out so that the judge would not form an opinion based upon his appearance (again, his idea, not mine). And still, the result of his poor decision now means that he has to go to trial - which is even more punishment all these months after the fact - all this for "possession" (he did test clean when the cops caught him - so he just had it in his possession... but that is still a misdemeanor).

And so when all is said and done, his punishment will be even more than ever imagined because he will have a fine to pay, perform community service, worry about possible expulsion from school, and there is a slim chance that he will have to spend time sleeping in a juvenile detention center. Additionally, he won't be able to get his driver's license for 6 months after he applies. So by the time he is finally able to drive, he will be well over 18 years old.

My take on this: his mistake, his consequence. My prayer is that this will be a life lesson, because if I allow myself to think otherwise, I will fall apart, so I am holding tight to the consequences for actions theory. Am I mean? Possibly. But it is the only way I know how to approach this living nightmare.

One thing that seemed to be very effective in John's situation was when he witnessed me crying. I told him that I loved him unconditionally and that I understood that mistakes are made - but at the same time, I told him how very disappointed I was that he had chosen to make such a serious mistake. I then informed him that he had to earn back my trust and that it would take a lot of effort on his part for me to be able to trust him again. In turn, he cried, apologized, and toed the line (for how long... that is yet to be seen - because, to be very honest, I am extremely skeptical at this stage of the game).

John knows that I truly believe that good kids can make bad choices, and that I will always love him through thick and thin. But he also knows that, although I do not look at this as the end of the world, it most certainly dictates how the rest of his teen and high school years are going to be: court appearances, possibility of expulsion, community service, fines, loss of license, lack of trust, piss tests, and on and on it goes.

If one were to talk to my son tonight, he would probably admit that it is just not worth it. But the question remains: will he still feel this way the next time temptation arises? Will he still consider consequences when actions at that moment in time sound so intriguing?

I think that temptations today are far more than we, as parents, ever faced. I also think that through the ages (even back in my time, which seems like 100 years ago) the problem with teens is that they never believe it will happen to them... they think they are immune to getting caught; invincible... they honestly believe they are invincible. And because of these natural teenage beliefs, there is just one single thing I hope comes of this mess: I want John to realize that NO ONE... NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON is immune to temptation, and it takes a courageous person to stand up and say no. When it comes to invincibility - saying no is the only way to assure that getting caught is not an option.

Lesson learned? Only time will tell.

In the Trenches

I love him unconditionally. In fact, I even like him! He's charming and fun and totally entertaining. However, this kid is giving me gray hair - and that, I do not like. Note to self: make an appointment for a root touch up immediately. Who needs premature gray? Not me. I'm too vain.

Needless to say, my youngest child is once again in crisis, although this picture does not indicate such - he's a good faker and he can put on a happy face when the situation requires it to be necessary. The picture was taken on his 17th birthday, so clearly, he experienced a moment or two of happiness.

However, the real truth is that he is hurting and he is struggling to the point of daily panic attacks that are full blown with breathing problems, hyperventilation and body quakes - not pretty. The recent crisis is caused by a sudden reality check that portrays his world as crashing down around him. And he is finally recognizing the consequences of his past actions are a direct result of his own poor decisions and choices. He has a court date for drug possession on April 24. In the meantime, his drug test came back positive. He is flunking his classes and he may need to repeat all of his junior year in high school. This week, he was so angry that he crashed through his bedroom door and busted out the entire frame, thus damaging my house in a way that will require much repair and several hundred dollars... the door is fine... the frame and the walls are trashed... shattered... splintered... and damaged beyond a quick repair.

In the daily life of a 17 year old - these things are HUGE, and they are a wake up call as to what real life is all about. And in the meantime, he is not handling the realities well. He's experiencing daily panic attacks, a severe lack of self confidence, isolation from his friends, and an overall sense of helplessness. I'd like to say, "welcome to adulthood," but in this instance, that would be totally inappropriate considering that he is still fighting his autoimmune disease and he is still in need of weekly infusions that require 4 hours of needles hooked up to his belly as gamma globulin flows into his body. He's fighting his health care every step of the way, and it is not fun, and certainly not something a "normal" teen should have to deal with. So, in a way, I understand where his anger and frustration come from. But still, it does not give him a free pass to give up on life and rebel at every turn.

I'm not offering these observations as an excuse, because John is 17 years old and he is now of an age where he must deal with the consequences of his actions. However, it is all too much at one time. Isn't that the way life is? All or nothing? I never have understood why things happen this way. And for the mother of troubled child, the result is gray hair and many nights of stress and worry. I am beside myself with feelings of failure and lack of the skills to help a child in need of so much more than I am qualified to give. So I give love. And more love. And even more love. But I'm also mad, and that is where the feelings of guilt come into play.

Clearly, I'm in over my head as to how to deal with these problems. I do the best I can, and yet my heart aches all along the way. I am well aware that my time is ever drawing near when I will no longer be able to control John's medical treatments, nor will I be able to solve his problems (okay... admittedly, that day has long since passed, however, I still like to think that I can help him out once in a while). And, thus, my reality is that I am deep in the trenches and I am doing everything I can to survive this battle.

Anyway... that's where I've been. My absence has had nothing to do with my personal surgery... the surgery went relatively well and I've not heard back regarding the pathology reports, which in my mind means no cervical cancer cells, so all is well in that regard. The recovery took longer than expected, but I'm a slow recovery person, so the side effects of illness and discomfort were not a surprise. By about day seven, I was on the mend. Thank goodness, because, honestly, I don't have time to think about it. I've got my hands full with this child and that is about all I can handle at this moment in time.

Overwhelmed. That's putting it mildly. I'm in so far over my head that I don't know where to turn. So I pray. And I pray some more. And all the while, I hope for answers as I continue to trust in God. Last week, I received an answer to prayers in an unexpected form: a neighbor showed up at my door asking me to walk with her. Well, at the time, I was emotionally in a really bad place, so I declined the walk. But she stayed and lent a listening ear. In the end, I poured my heart out to her and I felt so much better for facing my fears and being totally honest with Suzanne about my shortcomings and my fears. She was an angel in disguise, and for that, I was blessed.

After she left, I realized that my prayers were being answered in an unexpected way: all this month, Jeff has been asking me to walk with him and our dog Buddy. He thinks I need more exercise and that I need fresh air to clear my head. Also, my Mom has been mentioning walks a lot - along the same lines as Jeff... fresh air, clear my head, exercise, getting out of the house, etc.

So the next day, when Jeff once again asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with him and Buddy, I surprised him by agreeing to do so.  We walked. And walked. And walked. Jeff is a fast walker, but he slowed down enough for me to keep up. We had a nice walk. And it was good to get out in the fresh air and clear my head. The exercise was nice, too, because, as most people know, I get ZERO exercise (sewing and crafting do not count as exercise). And even though my weight is holding steady at 121-122, my body shape is getting really flabby and I've sized up in my clothes. NOT GOOD! I'm short, and I don't want to be short AND fat. Short is bad enough.

So I guess it was a sign from those who love me (and from God) - all these people saying, "walk, Kelly, walk." I' ve since walked for an entire week. Walking with Jeff is pleasant - and I only have one rule: no hand holding. I'm sorry... but when I see people walking their dogs and holding hands at the same time it makes me wonder how the heck they keep their balance. It's not a midnight stroll, for crying out loud... it's a walk with the dog and for exercise. So no hand holding allowed. Jeff thought it was a funny rule, but he agreed to abide by my request since the goal was to get me off my butt and not to turn the ordeal into a date. Later, when I tripped on the sidewalk, he realized that my hand holding rule was a good rule to follow! Note that I've since tripped at least once every single day that we have walked. Jeff is now laughing about my rule, and I think he appreciates that I brought it up in the first place!

After a full week of walking, my legs are sore and my body is aching, but my mind is clear and I am in a better place than I've been in months. Good thing - since the door incident happened just this week and who knows how I would have handled it if I were still in my dark place with feelings of parenting failure and lack of faith in how to proceed.

In other news:


PURE HAPPINESS!


My sorority girl at a Chi Omega Alumni sponsored luncheon (Alyssa is standing in the back row - center girl wearing a salmon colored blouse). She is doing so well at GMU, which, in turn, makes me realize that I must have done something right at one point in time. Whew. Another blessing!

I titled this entry "In the Trenches" and I know that I am not the only parent of teens who feels this way. Some days are more than I can bear to think about, and other days I find myself holding on by my fingernails. But when all is said and done, I will forever love my children unconditionally, and I will never stop believing in them... thus, I will continue to hold on, even if it means slipping once in a while, because as long as I don't let go, I am not losing the battle.

However, this parenting thing is far more challenging that I ever dreamed possible, but it has also helped me build character in ways that I never knew I was capable of... because, really, who wouldn't have to swallow all of their pride and  still stand tall when escorting their wayward child to a court appearance and a mandatory drug test? I have eaten more humble pie this past year than I thought was possible... and yet, I'm still standing. I'm in the trenches... but I'm still standing. And at the end of the day, that, in and of itself, is a blessing.

You may have been wondering...

... where I've been. And because I don't want to offend those who are waiting for emails, and for the handful of people who loyally continue to check the blog, I provide this information:

Not fun. Without going into details, I will just say that I'm in the process of blood therapy, testing, procedures, and consulting with specialists. I'm also trying not to be mad at God, because although I know He is good, I'm not appreciating His sense of humor. First John, now me? I see nothing funny about that at all.

So there you have it: my absence is due to some physical difficulties and I am a tad bit overwhelmed, a whole lot stressed, and a quite a bit freaked out.

In order to keep the blog happy and upbeat, I thought I'd post a couple of sneak peek pictures of some of the projects I'd been working on before the health glitch:

The two projects above are items that I plan to add to the [maybe to happen] Etsy shop.

For the pillow, I made a cover/case that I placed on a small pillow that I use for back support when I am crocheting. I loved this fabric so much that I went back to the store and purchased three more yards. With the additional fabric, I think I am going to make some matching over-sized throw pillows for my sofa. What doesn't show up in the photo is the gold outlines around each flower - the fabric is exquisite and almost too classy for a pillow case. Had I known how fancy it was, I probably would have chosen something less formal to use as a back support. As it is, I think I now have a new favorite fabric-ever! I seriously love this fabric.

Current projects in the works are applique table settings as well as another 15 point star table centerpiece with matching placemats (more possible Etsy additions - if and when I decide to open a shop). However, the process is slow going due to the current health issues and so these projects are taking a long time to complete because when I'm not in the hospital or at medical appointments and therapies, I seem to be sleeping - the medication makes me so drowsy that I've even had to give up some of my favorite television shows (American Idol and Lost!). For those who know me, giving up my television shows is something I am not very happy about.

When all is said and done, I've decided that it often takes a crisis to remind me of how precious my health is. I am also reminded of how very thankful I am to have such a passion for sewing - it is my escape from the reality of this current crisis.

Oh, and about being mad at God... I'm not really mad at Him... but I do seriously question His timing. I guess his clock runs a bit differently than the one I am using.

Twitch

I've had a twitch in my lower left eye lid for the past four days. It began shortly after I received a phone call from Alyssa last Thursday night. She was sobbing and inconsolable. No mother is happy when they hear their child cry, especially when said child is not living at home and is freaking out. I felt so helpless, because, really... what could I do? She is away at college. I am not there to offer a shoulder to cry on - instead, all I had were empty words of comfort. Come to find out, Alyssa was not handling her final exams well, which is completely understandable for a first year college student. Knowing that, however, does not make it easier on the mother.

So, my eye started to twitch. And it twitched all weekend long. I guess I'm not handling the situation with the nurse - and now the situation with a stressed out college student - very well. I thought that the bit with the nurse was fine since, after a million phone calls, we finally did get a nurse out to our house last week. Seemingly, that should have put that problem to rest. But what I didn't realize was that I have internalized a lot of anxiety about John's transition to sub-q infusions - and by internalizing, I mean I can't let John know that this is something that I'm really nervous about because the responsibility of his care now rests completely on my shoulders, whereas, always before I've had a nurse to depend on when it comes to needles and serums and all the other stuff that goes along with an infusion.

 

This is what I am now responsible for. John says that he will be in charge of his therapy from here on out, but when I look at these supplies, I am wondering how he really feels about this change we are about to make. For people not in the medical field, the sight of needles and a Sharps container can be quite intimidating... well... they intimidate me, that's for sure.

And then there's this:

 

That's my driveway and my yard. This is what I woke up to at 7:00 this morning. And the minute I looked out my dining room window, that darn twitch went into a full speed twitch mode. Twitch. Twitch. I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on much of anything with a twitch that is going a hundred miles an hour.

I've been told that the hole in my yard is due to Vios. What the heck is Vios? And why is everyone but me so happy about this? Seriously... it's hard to be excited about something that creates this kind of a mess with my yard - even if it is something really cool (which I wouldn't know, since I have no idea what Vios is in the first place).

Twitch.

And so here's how I'm coping:

Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter. This is my version of mindless escape. And I'm not kidding when I say that the only time my eye has not twitched since last Thursday night is when I'm reading these books. Yep... I've read 4 books since Thursday. That's how I cope - I bury my nose in a book and I completely shut out the rest of the world. Thankfully, my husband knows when to let me do this, and when my eye starts to twitch, he always steps back and allows me to escape my reality. AND HE COOKS! What more can I ask for? Well, I could ask that my eye stop twitching, but at this point, I don't think that is going to happen until Alyssa is home for the holidays, John's first sub-q therapy is successfully completed, and my yard is put back together. Geez, I hope my yard does not look like this all winter long - I seriously think I would go insane if my eye were to twitch for that many weeks and months.

Twitch.

Twitch.

Twitch.

Happy Things

Because the title "Skunk Guts" is not very appealing, I am posting a new entry in an effort to move the words skunk guts from the top of the screen. Life is still filled with skunk guts - a horrible-awful-really-bad infusion experience on Tuesday, a waste of time Neurology appointment this morning, continued waiting for home-bound approval, and one very angry sixteen year old boy - but just because we have an abundance of skunk guts, doesn't mean that everything stinks.

So this post is going to be all about happy things - the little things that have made me smile today - because, believe it or not, there really are some happy things around here!

First of all, the coolest birthday card I have ever received:

 

It is a pop up card that turns into a darling little birthday cake. It has gold jewels that create the flames and a really neat glitter glaze is done on the plate. I love this card so much that I may never put it away. Leave it to my clever sister in law, Debbie, to find something that would make me smile. She always comes up with the most unique things. My sister, Jenny, and I always say that Debbie makes us look bad because there is no way we could ever keep up with her clever ideas. We think that Debbie must have a secret stash that she adds to all year long because she always gives the best gifts. And her wrapping techniques - they are to die for!

Speaking of Debbie's unique gifts, take a look at this great necklace she gave me:

 

The necklace came with a bag of marbles that contains every color imaginable. The marbles are interchangeable and very easy to snap in and out of the hanging charm piece. I'm grateful that Debbie keeps me trendy because, to be perfectly honest, I've fallen behind the times lately and I have begun feeling a bit frumpy and out of style. Alyssa has always helped me keep up with the appropriate trendy "mom" accessories, but since she's gone, I've been feeling a bit out of my element. Debbie to the rescue!

And how 'bout this:

 

My mom made her first ever online purchase! This was a BIG DEAL and it may have opened a whole new world to her <:giggle:>. Two things about this gift: 1) it is so "me", and 2) I am touched that my mom would venture out of her comfort zone to make sure I had the perfect birthday gift this year. I can't wait to make a day trip to Borders. I plan on spending hours there!

My iPod seems to be working now (thank goodness for that small miracle), and I have been turning on my tunes every opportunity I find... you know... in an effort to play catch up with all those days that the iPod was acting wonky and I had to do without. What I discovered after not listening to anything but the radio for the past month is that I have music on my iPod that I've not ever listened to. That is just wrong. And so when the iPod decided to start working again (I swear, these things have a mind of their own), I decided to listen to the songs I've neglected:

 

She just keeps getting better! Her songs make me want to dance. And when I hear her sing "I'll Stand by You" I cry... every. single. time. How could I have forgotten I added this CD last year? My bad.

Alyssa introduced me to Taylor Swift last summer. And since then, I have come to love her music. I can't wait for this album to be released next month:

   

I've been listening to the short clips on iTunes and I already know the songs will be added to my most played list. For someone so young, this girl can sure sing! And cute... oh my gosh... she's adorable!

So there you have it - my happy things for the day. I keep reminding myself that it's the little things in life that we come to cherish over time, and my sincere desire is to surround myself with every single happy thing I can find, because at the end of the day, happy little things are what keep me hanging on as I deal with the ugly bigger things.

Skunk Guts

Last Friday night, while driving home in the dark after dropping John off at the high school homecoming football game, I drove over some skunk guts. Those skunk guts made my pretty new Volvo stink to high heaven. I was so mad! The next morning, our garage smelled like skunk guts and the stench in my car was even worse. Yuck. How does a person remove the smell of skunk guts? The answer is you don't - you just have to wait it out. And so that's what I've been doing. Today the smell seems to be gone - thank goodness for that small favor.

While spending the weekend suffering the smell of skunk guts permeating my air, I concluded that skunk guts pretty much sum up where I'm at... things stink! But the good news is, eventually the smell goes away and I realize that things will someday return to normal.

So that's what this blog entry is about: the skunk guts I am dealing with. I thought the analogy was appropriate.

Recently I've received quite a few emails from friends and family wondering where the heck I've been. I keep meaning to take a minute to post an update on what is happening... but every time I think about it, I become overwhelmed with the thought of explaining this mess we are in. Plus... pictures. I like to blog with pictures... and coming up with pictures of my recent activities has been a stretch (no one wants to look at skunk guts!). However, the good news is that I played with pictures last weekend, so I now have a lot of visuals to add. YAY! So here we go...

In a nutshell: I'm spending another day waiting for yet another phone call from the school or the doctor or the nurse or all three. It seems as though my entire life is now consumed with bureaucratic red tape as I try to coordinate John's health care and educational needs.

Where we are at: John's immune system crashed when Jeff's sisters were here. It was very frightening and really insane trying to deal with John while attempting to entertain (or not) Jeff's family at the same time. Prior to this visit, we'd not seen one of the sisters for 7 years and the other sister for 14 years, so they had no idea what was going on. In the end, they left early, and I will always feel bad about that. But during the short time they were here, I managed to take a few pictures. Here are the best of the best:

Since then, John's health has continued to deteriorate. He's missed so much school due to home health care nurse visits and infusions, as well as with a bazillion medical tests and doctor appointments, that the Immunologist and the school requested that he receive home bound study. Home bound study provides a tutor in the home who will work around the medical needs and appointments.

So... that is good... other than the red tape involved has made this a nightmare. Three weeks later, a million phone calls into it, and about 30 faxed forms, and he is STILL not receiving home bound studies. That means he is still required by law to attend school - which is hit and miss at best, because 1) he doesn't feel well, and 2) he has so many appointments.

Additionally, we are dealing with a new nursing company (the company who provides the in-home care on the days that John receives gamma globulin infusions), and the company is disorganized and much more stringent about how they do things.... which means even more phone calls and paperwork on my part.

In the middle of medical appointments and trying to coordinate all this, the high school has decided that if at all possible, John should try to attend one class a day at the school. The reasons for this are varied, but after several meetings up at the school, I am now in agreement with this plan. So that means revised paperwork and processing a new request for home-bound. In the end, this will be the best thing because it will allow John a special status (don't know much about this part) on his college applications, meaning the high school counselor will provide a cover letter and a phone call conference with every single school he applies to. Right now, this is a top priority since he is failing his classes and his GPA is going down the drain. With the special status, there will be an explanation of what happened during his junior year and they will verbally discuss John's potential with the colleges he wants to attend. At this point, the special status is the ONLY way he will get into college, so we really need that.

In the meantime, John is muddling through as best as he can, and I am making every effort not to smother him as he continues to try to have a normal, active teenage life. Last weekend, John and Taylor attended the DHS Homecoming Dance. He rested all day prior to the dance and seemed to be feeling pretty well before he left. After the dance, he told me it was the best dance that he's ever gone to, so I think they had fun. I count my blessings with each and every smile he shares, and this smile was hard earned and well deserved!

Through it all, in spite of the handful of smiles we see, John's emotional state of mind is a mess. He is dealing with a whole lot of anger - anger towards the doctors, the school, and most of all me. He just wants to get well and be normal, and he claims that the infusions are a waste of time because he says they don't work. Unfortunately, it will take 6-8 infusions before he begins to feel better and stronger. His numbers were at 502 when he crashed. A healthy person's low average number is 1800, so 500 was potentially life threatening. Had John been exposed to the flu with those numbers, he could have died. And a cold will turn into pneumonia... which is another reason to keep him out of school for a while. The request was for 90 days, but at this point, home bound has not even started yet, so who knows how long it will last?

To answer burning questions about how *I* am doing... I'm hanging in there. After 4 weeks of dealing with this, I am finally accepting and adjusting to my new normal. I don't like it, and I'm still hurting and angry (at everyone and everything), but I'm slowly beginning to accept things for what they are: skunk guts! It took me a long time to reach this point - many sleepless nights and a whole lot of denial - but each day is a little better for me. When all this happened, I told Jeff that he was either with me or against me, but that my priority was John and that he could support me or fight it... either way, I was going forward with my plan of action, which was to be tenacious in my pursuit of doing what is best for my son. Jeff jumped on board and has been wonderful. He's still in denial, but he is supporting me as best as he knows how.

To keep myself from going insane, I've spent a lot of late nights reading. My chosen genre is fantasy because it is as far from my reality as I can get. It allows me an escape of sorts. I've read the entire Southern Vampire series (True Blood on HBO is based upon these books), and now I'm searching for something new. If someone had asked me six months ago if I would enjoy anything vampire, I would have laughed out loud. Vampires? Me? Not a good combination because I'm a fraidy-cat. However, after dealing with my own personal drama for the past month, I've decided that vampires are pretty tame in comparison. So vampires it is! Sookie Stackhouse is a hoot, and I giggled non-stop as I plowed through all eight books.

I've also been crocheting, because for some reason I find that it relaxes me - I find the repetitive nature of the stitches and the counting to be soothing. Here are a couple of my recent projects:

 

 

Last week I ordered a bunch of quilting patterns and I am hoping to begin sewing some Christmas projects as soon as we get this home-bound study request processed, because once that is processed, we may be able to develop an actual daily routine. Right now, every day is chaos because I never know if John will need to come home from school (this happens a LOT), and there always seem to be last minute doctor appointments as the docs think of new tests and procedures to try.

Alyssa has been home twice during this crisis because 1) she is worried about John, and 2) she came home to celebrate my b-day with me. We attended a craft show together as our annual celebration and it was so good to see her. She is thriving in college and is very happy, which in turn makes me very happy. I'm so glad that she is living her own life away from what is happening with John. She has always hated that he requires so much of my time and energy, so it is good that she doesn't have to deal with that anymore. Here are a couple of pictures I snagged from her Shutterfly account. I think they show how much fun she is having living the college life:

 

So that's where we are. John has an infusion scheduled tomorrow (8 hour in-home procedure), as well as two medical appointments on Wednesday. We are hoping that home-bound studies begin this week, but at this point, I have no idea where the district is in regard to the paperwork. We may have one more week to wait as they consider the request and line up a tutor and his lesson plans. I've been told that the request will be approved... so I have no idea what the hold up is.

Thank you to everyone for thinking of us, and thank you for knowing me well enough to understand why I've not taken the time to touch bases. I've worried about my friendships, but keep telling myself that my forever friends will understand and will forgive me. And a huge, giant, colossal thank you to all of my friends and family who sent birthday wishes. Your kind thoughts meant more than words can say. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making my birthday special.

Skunk guts... they stink. But when all is said and done, the smell does go away, and I know that in the end, the same thing is going to happen with this mess we are in. I have faith that John is going to get better and that he is going to have the quality of life that he deserves, because after this weekend, I am convinced that no one has to live with skunk guts forever.