The Edge of Reason

Who I was, who I am, and the foundation on which I stand: a look back at then and now.

I'm blaming this entire post on Facebook, because through Facebook, I have recently reconnected with a handful (five, to be exact) of people from my high school. Note that I graduated high school in 1980 - so it has been many years since I last spoke with these people. And because I moved away from my hometown almost twenty years ago, I don't ever run into people from my former life, so this reconnect has been interesting, to say the least. It has been a walk down memory lane - a path I have not taken since the day I moved away. And this walk down memory lane has caused me to experience emotions I have not felt since I was eighteen year old <--- 29 years ago is how long that has been.

But what these emotions and thoughts have also done for me is make me hyper aware of what my own children must be experiencing at this very moment in their lives. And it has been a wake up call since I'd [selectively] forgotten what it was like to be a teenager; I'd forgotten what it was like to ask yourself every single day, "Will they like me? Am I being a dork? Are they talking about me? Why did I say that?" And the ever constant, "I wish I could hide in a corner."

John has often said to me, "Mom, these people don't know me. They don't understand me. They just don't get me." And until my reconnect, I'd thought that John was being silly... I honestly thought he was just making excuses as to why he does the things he does.

But here's what I've discovered (and I apologize in advance because this includes more talk about sewing, something I know people must get sick of hearing about). I am going to provide visuals to support these thoughts, since we all know that I am all about the pictures when it comes to the blog:

This is a picture of my last childhood doll. Her name is Velvet and she was given to me for Christmas when I was in fifth grade. I took the picture today, because I am a sentimental fool and I still have Velvet safely tucked away in my cedar chest. I tried to get a close up shot since the thing I wanted to show is the dress she is wearing and the very elementary sewing job that was used on her dress. I made the dress for Velvet when I was eleven years old. I was proud of the dress and I actually still have several other outfits that were sewn with TLC for my precious doll. My point: even in the fifth grade, sewing was my happy place and it was how I spent my time - I spent as much time sewing doll clothes as I actually did playing with the dolls. For me, the dolls were a means to an end: sewing.

The next visual is my senior picture - the quality is very poor because the photo is almost 30 years old and it has faded with time:

Disregarding the hairstyle and the blue eyeshadow (hey, it was 1980 - I was considered trendy at the time), note the wool jacket that I was wearing. I sewed the jacket and a matching skirt when I was a senior in high school. I made it specifically for my senior pictures. At the time, I was in love with the suit and I was so proud to wear something I had sewn to the all-important photo shoot. However, I never told a soul that I made my suit. I just handed out the pictures and kept the sewing part to myself.

So what does all this have to do with my recent reconnection with high school friends? Well, it has everything to do with it because as I have been corresponding with Gayle, who lived six houses away from me all through junior high and high school - a person I walked to school with, rode the bus with,  cheered with, invited to our family beach house, had over to slumber parties... I GREW UP with Gayle - I was shocked to hear that she didn't know that I sewed. And that got me to thinking about how, like John, the people in my high school didn't really know me. I intentionally kept my favorite thing in the world (sewing) from them because 1) I didn't want to be made fun of, and 2) I didn't want to be considered a dork. But the truth was, I loved to sew then, and I still love to sew now. The person I was is the person I still am. And in spite of the fact that everything (and nothing) has changed: I was who I am  - and I am who I was. Astounding!

As we've corresponded, Gayle made the comment that she enjoyed catching up with old friends because, "We knew each other before we knew ourselves." How true that is. I'll be the first to admit that I am a different person than the girl I was back then. I have more confidence, I embrace my inner dorkiness, and I have opinions that are actually my very own! And yet, the me I didn't know back then, became the core of me that is my foundation (in spite of my sewing secret). And this is what I wish I could share with John because the teenage foundation is absolutely part of becoming an adult.

Another person I've reconnected with is a guy whom Gayle and I were in swing choir with, Chris Bidleman. (Chris is in the top row: third from the left - Gayle and I are in the front row: I am the first girl on the left, with Gayle next to me). Note: I also sewed part of the dress I am wearing - other people had their moms make their dresses or hired out the project, but I worked with my mom on the dress and I was so proud that I had a hand in the design. Of course, I never told a soul that I made part of my dress. That was just something I didn't do back then.

Back to Chris... he was so much fun! And when I saw his profile picture on Facebook, I could almost smell our choir room... I remembered the piano and the risers... I remembered the trips we took for competitions and the times we spent hanging out as a group in that dark and dreary room where we spent so many hours singing and dancing and doing what we loved, because what we loved was music - all of it... the bee-bop of swing choir, the harmonies, the melodies, the instruments, the costumes, and most of all the friendships. And today, these are the things I still love (minus the costumes since I no longer perform other than with my six year old friend in the privacy of my home). My love of music back then, was the foundation of the music I love today. If one were to look at my iPod playlist, they would see over 500 songs that were popular in the 70's - songs that shaped my youth and that were the inspirations of my thoughts and dreams. And when I look at it that way, I realize that those songs are still the basis of my inspirations, and of my thoughts - and even of the dreams I still have. These people who I spent so much time singing with all those years ago know the foundation of me better than my own husband. Wow! That is a scary thought.

After considering these long ago thoughts and dreams, I have to ask this one single question: "Why is it that when I reconnect with my high school friends, all the old insecurities and doubts resurface?" What is up with that? I find myself still asking the questions, "Will they like me?" "Am I being a dork?" "I wish I wouldn't have said that." Seriously... WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? I'm a confident woman. Where is this coming from? And the big question is: Why do I care?

Why I care is this: I care because of the very fact that these people knew me before I knew myself. They know my brothers and my sister. They've been to my childhood home and met my parents. They know how I was raised and they know the rules I was required to follow. They knew when I followed the rules and they knew when I broke the rules. They were witness to the evolution of who I am. Every single memory of my youth includes something that was done or said or experienced by and with these people. And so the reality is that I care because, other than my family, these people know the foundation of Kelly, and if anyone on this earth is going to understand who I am today, it would be these people. They may not know me as a wife. They certainly don't know me as a mother. They've never seen me working. They have no idea of my current lifestyle. But they know Kelly - the real Kelly... the girl I was, who is the woman I am. That girl has blossomed and grown, but she is still there. She is so much of who I am today, because who I was is exactly what I have become.

And this is what I want to tell John. I want to tell him that even if his classmates don't know him, they know the foundation - and when he looks back in twenty or thirty years, my hope is that John will see the foundation and that he will still be the person he is today - bigger, better, grown, and confident... but still John. Because even though his "thing" is not sewing, and that's not what he hides, he has his own "things" and he hides them exactly like I did way back when. It's okay to hide... but it's not okay to lose our passions just because they are not cool at the time. John loves poetry. He loves to write, which is considered so not cool for an almost 17 year old "cool kid" - and so he hides these things and he tucks away in private and pursues his dreams alone. And that's okay. I get that because it is exactly what I did. But in hindsight, it doesn't matter because the passion is only part of the foundation - it may be the biggest part, but it is not the only part. It takes many layers to create the foundation... and a lot of those layers are within the halls of the high school.

The truth is, we are tied to our high school friends whether we like it or not. We can ignore them. We can run from them. We can try to never think of them again. But the bottom line is these people were there when we were building our foundation, and because of that single fact, these people are part of our past and part of how our foundation turned out.

And so even though I am experiencing all these feelings of insecurities and conflict (WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? Seriously... why am I feeling this way?), I have chosen to embrace my past because by doing so, I am able to be a better mother to John and Alyssa. Having spent an entire week thinking about this (and feeling insecure), I have gained a new parenting tool: I have more understanding; I have more compassion; and most of all, I have a point of reference that I had previously chosen to ignore.

When all is said and done, I think I will always feel insecure around my high school friends. And that's okay, because whether I like it or not, that's where the foundation began. Today I think that the original foundation is still there - better, bigger, stronger - but still there, so it's all good. And now that these old emotions have risen to the surface, I am able to do something with the memories - something that will help my own children. And at the end of the day, Alyssa and John are my priority above and beyond all else. If a walk down memory lane and a little bit of angst is what it takes for me to understand my teenagers, then I welcome the emotions, because right now I'm grasping at straws when it comes to my lost and conflicted son.

Self reflection. Pain of our youth. Angst. Insecurities. These are things that make better parents. Seriously... I had no idea. I'd been running from these things for so long that I hadn't really given it a thought. But now I know better. And better is always a good thing when it comes to parenting.

A final word to the two people from my high school who may read this blog entry: Thank you for then, because without the then, I would not be who I am today. And to be very honest, I really like who I am... I'm still me deep down, and the reconnect has helped me appreciate that for what it is.

Rainy Days and Mondays...

This is for Nancy, and Shirley, and Jenny, because they make me laugh.

Nancy is one of my forever friends. She and I shared an apartment back in our working-single-girl days. We were wild. We were poor. We were young. And we had a blast. The memories I have of those days living with Nancy are of some of my very favorites. We haven't seen each other for many years, but because Nancy is such a great friend - she's made it a point to keep in touch... and she doesn't hate me when I don't respond to her emails! Nancy sent me a message on Good Friday. I've not yet responded to her correspondence. *SIGH* I had good intentions, but haven't yet put fingers to the keyboard. Not because I'm ignoring her, but because I've been waiting until I had a chunk of time to respond in a proper manner (more than, "Hi, I'm fine. Happy Easter. Happy Spring.").  Here it is, almost April, and I'm still looking for that chunk of time.

Today Nancy left a comment on my month old blog entry. Her comment was as follows:

Even though it has been snowing here in Washington for the past week, I am ready for a spring look to your site and an update on the life and times of Kelly Edgerton. How about some of those wonderful cherry blossom photos?

I almost choked on my coffee when it popped up in my email. She's a funny girl! And so because she made me laugh, I decided to venture out in the rain to take some cherry blossom photos.

As I was uploading the photos, I received another comment on the month old blog entry. This one made me laugh too. It was from Shirley, my friend who recently moved to Seattle, and whom I also have not returned emails of late:

ummm, pictures, stories, anything???????

It seems we have a theme. I've disappeared, and my friends are wondering what's going on. My sister is right there with them. She called me two weeks ago and told me that although Fiskars was a great company, she was tired of looking at the slide-show. She wanted an update too. She said pretty much the same thing that Shirley and Nancy said:

Pictures? Cherry blossoms? New banner? Something!

And so in honor of the three girls who put a smile on my face, I created a new spring banner and have these pictures to share:

A blog update is forthcoming in the next couple of days. I promise!

In the meantime, I wanted to make sure that the remaining three people who read this blog know that I am not ignoring them. I also wanted to say, "thanks for the giggles." You ladies added a bit of sunshine to an otherwise very rainy and dark Monday.

Smooches!

A Trip to the Animal Hospital

After much consideration, I finally determined that regardless of the risks, my little dog needed to be seen by a vet. Over the past two days, I have been overcome with guilt as I've watched Misty try to pull and drag her little body from point A to point B, and in spite of hoping that her hip was displaced, reality told me that the problem was much worse than a problem with her hip, because the bottom line is that Misty can't walk. Additionally, she is unable to wag her tail, which was a very clear indication that paralysis was present. And so after giving myself a pep talk and telling myself that all would be well, I made a trip to the Animal Hospital.

As I got in the car, I had a sick feeling in my stomach, so much so that I thought I was going to throw up. Part of the sickness was fatigue - who wouldn't be tired after sleeping on the floor by the dog bed for three nights? But the real reason I felt sick was that deep in my heart, I was afraid to hear what the vet had to say: deep down, I knew I Misty's prognosis would not be good.

And I was right.

I'm heartbroken over her diagnosis. We saw a Veterinarian, a Veterinary Neurologist, and a Veterinary Surgeon. Not one of them could offer any hope for recovery. The diagnosis is paralysis from the hips down due to a broken back. There is complete loss of deep pain and tone, and once this has been determined, surgery is generally not successful, and therefore, not advised. Worse still, about 10 % of these patients can die from spinal cord disease.

So there it is. My dog will never walk again. Not only that, but she will never again have control of her bladder or bowels. I cried like a fool at the Animal Hospital - so much that I was unable to talk; I sobbed so hard that I couldn't even ask questions. I know she's "just" a dog, but in my world, she is my favorite companion and my very best friend. I would be lost without her.

And now, all these hours later, I'm still crying like a fool. I asked the doctor what Misty's quality of life would be if she was given a chance to live. I told him that I am not ready to say good-bye - not today... not now... not yet. I asked him what can I do for my beloved friend? What can I do to make her happy and comfortable? The Veterinary Neurologist promised me that she is not in pain. She is frustrated because she is immobile, but she's not experiencing an ounce of pain. In fact, he told me that she seemed quite content being held in my arms. But the truth is, I can't hold her in my arms all day long. And therein lies my problem - what can I do to offer her a quality of life that makes her happy in her little doggy world?

After much discussion, I was sent to a pet care adviser - a person who can teach me how to care for Misty. I learned about doggy diapers and manually helping her pee. I learned about doggy wheel chairs and doggy carts. I learned about doggy bed sores and doggy urinary tract infections.  And when all was said and done, I was given a glimmer of hope. I was told that it might be overwhelming and it might be too much for me, but that only I could determine whether or not Misty was happy... only I could determine when and if her quality of life was unfair... only I could make the decision when to say good-bye. And at that moment in time, I determined that the time to say good-bye is NOT today.

That's all I know... it's not today. Anymore than that, I just can't say.

It's a girl thing.

It's no secret that I like pretty things. And like most girls, I like cute, tiny, little things. For some reason, it's the little things that seem to excite me the most. And when the little things are pretty too... well, suffice it to say, I'm a happy girl.

Because my camera broke at CHA (I'm still getting over my mad), I decided to gather together some of the things that I would have taken pictures of while in Chicago had my camera been working. These are the things that tickled me. Things that excited me. Kelly things. Little things. Just plain girl things.

I'll start with the Luxe things, because I will admit that Luxe went above and beyond when it came to tiny treasures. There were buttons and ribbon, new rubs and some jewelry. Yes, I said jewelry. Each person who worked the Luxe booth was presented with a beautiful sterling silver bracelet with the words Live Luxe engraved. Throw in a new line of ribbon and an extended line of rub ons, and, well, I was tickled pink.

Fiskars has always been one of my favorite companies, and I am fortunate to be personal friends with one of the Fisk-A-Teers Ambassadors. Because we are friends, May has always made sure that I am well taken care of. Seeing May at CHA is something I look forward to every year. This year, May was unable to attend the show, as she is awaiting the impending birth of her new baby girl. Therefore, it came as a pleasant surprise when another Fisk-A-Teer Ambassador went out of her way to make sure I was not forgotten. Stephenie rocks! Not only did she stop by the Luxe booth to say hello, she also presented me with a Fiskars backpack. When I mentioned how much I loved her hat, she then searched high and low to find the elusive Fisk-A-Teers headgear for me. On Sunday, Stephenie returned to the Luxe booth with the hard to find baseball hat and a pair of scissors that had the The Edge of Reason engraved on the handle. Was I excited? You bet! I am over the moon thrilled with my new hat and scissors.

Which leads me to the part of this entry where I would like to insert girlfriend pictures to commemorate the event. Alas, due to the camera malfunction, I have none to share. But if I did, I would post a picture of Fisk-A-Teer Stephenie decked out in her darling orange attire. She was a sight to behold! And I would insert a picture of Stef Hamilton, who surprised everyone by showing up in all her living glory. Stef is my inspiration. She is winning her personal battle against breast cancer, and she is doing so with style and flair. Spending time with her was a celebration of life as tears were shed and memories were made. Forever I will remember CHA-Summer as Stefanie's achievement. I am so very honored to call her my friend. If I would have taken pictures, there would be Janet and Sherry, Wendy and Kitty, Carla and Katrina, and my EK Success partner in crime Danielle. I would have pictures of Mary Kay Seckinger, the girl who "gets" where I'm coming from and understands where it is that I so want to go.  I'd have pictures of all the many people who knew me by sight and took the time to introduce themselves (waving to Steph from Canada and JustJudy and Kim, to Laura and Emily and all the girls from Colorado, and to the many other wonderful women whom I had the pleasure to meet).

After a week of mourning the camera malfunction, I have come to the conclusion that even though I don't have pictures to look upon, I have been blessed with memories that I will forever hold dear. I can't remember a CHA when I had the opportunity to spend so much time with so many people. It was a gift. And I won't forget. Pictures are nice, but heartfelt memories are every bit as good. And maybe, in the end, that's a girl thing too - we like our tiny treasures and we realize that friendships are golden regardless of whether or not we capture the moment on film, because as a girl, I know that it is inside my heart where the true treasures of life reside.

Rest in peace, dear boy.

Joey went to meet his Father in Heaven on Saturday night. Because so many of my family and friends who are not scrapbookers have been praying for Joey and his family, I wanted to share the following statement posted by Jen Gallacher Sunday afternoon:

We lost our beautiful son last night. He passed quickly and peacefully. I'm too heartbroken to respond to e-mails at this time. Please forgive me. I just need some time. Love to you all!

Joey's story has touched so very many people. I know in my heart that Joey is at peace, and I believe that he is in heaven with God. I also believe that he is aware in the spiritual sense, that his illness and passing brought a community of friends together in way that will leave us forever changed. I am humbled by the courage of a thirteen year old boy who was such a valiant soldier during his short time on earth.

Rest in peace, dear boy. Rest in peace.

God Be with You Till We Meet Again

God be with you till we meet again;
By his counsels guide, uphold you;
With his sheep securely fold you.
God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;
When life’s perils thick confound you,
Put his arms unfailing round you.
God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;
Keep love’s banner floating o’er you;
Smite death’s threat’ning wave before you.
God be with you till we meet again.

Till we meet, till we meet,
Till we meet at Jesus’ feet,
Till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.

Text: Jeremiah E. Rankin, 1828–1904
Music: William G. Tomer, 1833–1896

Peace for Joey

My heart is heavy. And I am humbled.

The 2Peas scrapbooking community is a mighty force. Our hobby brought us together, but it is the common threads of life that bind us as friends. Today, one of our own is letting go of her child. As a mother and a friend, my heart breaks for Jen. I can't begin to imagine what she is going through. But I know it has to be the most difficult thing she will ever do. Today, she is telling her son good-bye as she watches him die.

This is what Jen shared with us today:

Joey has contracted pneumonia and had about 40% oxygen last night. They intubated him and then loaded him on the helicopter. We drove up afterwards. He is on a ventilator and it appears that his kidneys are failing. It is only a matter of time now.

Please keep us in your prayers and pray for his release to be peaceful. I am terrified of how it's going to be when he goes. I just want him to be at peace and not be frightened. He doesn't appear to be fully conscious any more, which is a blessing. I would NOT want him to suffer any more.

I am heartbroken. How am I going to say good-bye to my sweet boy? This is so awful! I can't even imagine life without his vibrant spirit.

Thank you for all of your love and support. I just needed to let you all know. You have been so very good to us. You will never know how you lifted our spirits during all of this.

Cancer is a terrible thing. When it is a child whose body the monster invades, it seems even worse. I believe with all my might that Joey is going home to his Father in Heaven. It gives me some comfort knowing that he will be free from pain and in a better place. My prayers are for a peaceful release for this precious child of God. And I pray that Jen will have strength and courage in the days and weeks ahead. She has been a shining example of faith. My hope is that she will draw comfort knowing that there are hundreds of people praying for her during her time of grief and sorrow.

In honor of Jen and Joey Gallacher, we have lit candles. We are holding prayer vigils. We have come together to mourn her loss and to celebrate Joey's thirteen short years. I am humbled by this experience. It is one that I will never forget.

May God be with Joey, and may He bless the Gallacher family.

I thought this LDS children's hymn was an appropriate message to close with:

A Child's Prayer

Heavenly Father, are you really there?
And do you hear and answer ev’ry child’s prayer?
Some say that heaven is far away,
But I feel it close around me as I pray.
Heavenly Father, I remember now
Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:
“Suffer the children to come to me.”
Father, in prayer I’m coming now to thee.

Pray, he is there;
Speak, he is list’ning.
You are his child;
His love now surrounds you.
He hears your prayer;
He loves the children.
Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heav’n.

Words and music: Janice Kapp Perry, b. 1938
© 1984 by Janice Kapp Perry.

For all those who would like to join us in lighting a candle for Joey, here is the link: Candles for Joey
For those who would like to make a donation to the benefit auction for the Gallacher family, I have set up an active icon in my sidebar. Just click on the in our hearts icon and it will take you directly to the benefit page.

My Happy Place

As I was getting ready to board my flight to Anaheim last week, I was also talking to my mom on my cell phone. During the conversation, she asked if I was ready for CHA. This was a legitimate question coming from my mom, as she has been my closest confidant, my most patient sounding board, and my biggest supporter throughout my entire life. Mom knows me better than anyone else on earth, and she knew that I was a bit nervous after being away from the industry for almost two years. My response to her surprised me. I told her that I felt more calm than I have felt in months, and that I was mentally prepared for this show more so than any show I had ever worked.

After I boarded the plane, I thought about the conversation I had just had with my mom, and I reflected on everything that has happened over the course of the past two years. And in reviewing the chain of events, I felt at peace with where I am at and the choices I've made. More than that, I felt excitement - a feeling that I'd not experienced in a long time.

As I was working the show, several people commented to me that they were amazed by my enthusiasm and the high level of energy I seemed to have. My response to those remarks was always, "I'm in my happy place!" And it is true - demonstrating, teaching, talking shop, and being around other crafters makes me happy like nothing else does. Doing this work is in my blood. No matter how hard I try, I could never turn my back on the love I have for sharing my passion with others. In fact, I did try - and look where that got me... right back in the game!

This is my happy place - the Make & Take station in the Luxe booth:

I am more at home doing make and takes, teaching classes, and talking to other crafters than I am in my own neighborhood. What I've come to conclude is that we crafters make up a small community, and scrapbooking is my home within that community. It is this community where I feel most secure hanging my heart and being my true authentic self. Everything I have done in the past has led me to this place, and for that reason, it truly is my happy place.

While I was in my happy place last week, I heard some of the funniest things:

1. Apparently, I appear to be much taller in photos than I am in real life. For the record, I am 5'3" and I tend to lean on the puny side. I laughed out loud when people told me that I looked taller in my avatars and blog photos. Considering most of the pictures I post are head shots, I guess that means I have a tall head!
2. I heard over and over again that my voice doesn't fit my photos. I was losing my voice by the end of day two, and I don't know if my friends were referring to the new raspy thing I had going on, or whether they thought my real voice was deep. Either way, I guess I have a deeper voice than fits my appearance. I'm still questioning whether or not this is a good thing.
3. People asked me several times if I was always as happy as I was at the show. The answer to that question is that I was in my happy place, and when I am in my happy place, yes! I am always that happy. Away from my happy place... well, I don't have nearly as much energy.
4. By unanimous decision, it was determined that I suck at email. This is one of my biggest bug-a-boos in life, and I am making a concentrated effort to improve this character flaw. No excuses... just fact - I do suck at email.
5. "Oh, the camera is on video. We need to take another picture." I did this, my friends did this, and strangers who were handed the camera did it. Katrina Simeck and I took self-portraits of ourselves with our cameras and I have a five minute video of us that is absolutely hilarious. I would post it, but I don't know how. Plus, it would be proof of how silly we get after three days of working a show.
6. Many, many people asked me how John was doing. I couldn't believe that strangers would take the time to introduce themselves, and then inquire about my son - especially during a show where so many exciting and wonderful things were happening all around. I was moved to tears more than once as new friends and old told me that they continue to pray for John's emotional well-being and his improved health. To all those who asked and to all those who took the time to offer support - thank you. Your words meant the world to me.

The following photo collage is a vivid pictorial of just how happy I am when I am doing what I love and spending time with my friends. I missed photo opportunities on several occasions, and I am just kicking myself for not being more on-the-ball. Next time... I will add to my friends photos file the next time I am in my happy place. Until then, I'm printing out this collage and putting it in a frame on my desk. It will remind me of just how happy my happy place really is!

Disclaimer: the goofy look on my face in these pictures is the look of pure delight. Our booth was located on the lower level in the New Exhibitor's Pavilion. Almost every one of these people made the effort to come downstairs to see us. Knowing that my friends would take the time to do so during such a large and busy show warmed my heart and filled me with joy.

Friends Can Make A Difference

This past year, I was given a gift - the gift of friendship from a group of women whom I met on-line - my CKU/CHA buddies. This gift has reminded me that new friendships are highly underrated. And although I am hesitant to step out of my comfort zone to cultivate new friendships, when I do, there are blessings untold. Too often, I take friendship for granted. And too often, I don't stop to think of what my life would be like without my friends - those people whom I have chosen to share myself with; people who have chosen to do the same with me. Over the years, I have learned that friendships are precious treasures - the new are the shiny silver, and the established are polished gold. And I am blessed to have both. This year, my friends have been the lifeline that have kept me going during the weeks and months that I've dealt with John's illness. Without the support of my friends, I fear I would have given up on doctors and medicine and procedures and testing. But my friends wouldn't let me - they held my hand and listened when I ranted and raved, laughed and cried, and begged and pleaded with God to take care of my son. My friends made a difference as they formed a powerful army to support me. And I am forever grateful for their unconditional love.

Last week, one of my new friends was diagnosed with breast cancer. Life as she knew it has changed forever. My heart breaks for her. And because she is my friend, I want to take away her fear. I want to rant with her and cry with her. I want to do anything and everything to make this nightmare go away. Unfortunately, I don't have the power to make it better. But I can pray for her, and I can cry with her, and yes - I can rant and rave with her because this disease is horrible. It robs women of their youth. It invades privacy. And it clogs the mind with things that no one should have to think about. My friend fears that she will be forgotten. She fears that when the shock wears off, she will be left alone to deal with this monster. Here and now, I vow not to let that happen.

I have added an active icon to the sidebar of my blog. This icon will serve as my own personal reminder that my friend is fighting the battle of her life. My hope is that it will remind everyone who visits my blog to remember her as she fights to win the war. The icon was designed by the talented Tia Bennett. I invite you to join us by adding the image to your own website. Right click to save the image, host it at a remote site, and include it on your blog for all to see. I'm also posting a larger version of the image below. Please save it to your files. Use it on a scrapbook page, or make a card, or pass it along to others, because we never know who or when this disease will strike next, and it is imperative that we share the message.

Breast cancer is a silent monster that we absolutely must not ignore. As women, friends, daughters, sisters, and mothers, we can make a difference. We can join together to form a powerful army. We can be the voice that fights to find the cure. Be aware. Be proactive. Support others. And get involved. Because that's what friends do. And friends can make a difference.

(image copyright 2006 tiabennet)

For more information on how to join the cause in finding a cure, please visit the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.

Email Loser, Idol Winner

I had a really cool epiphany today, and I plan to write about it soon. However, tonight my heart is overflowing with gratitude. Therefore, my epiphany will have to wait for a day or two because I want to publicly say thank you to a whole lot of people.

I've been rather cranky lately. I hate it when I am cranky. Usually, I go into creative overdrive when I am in a bad mood because, for me, that is the best way to shake the funk. Unfortunately, my mojo has left the building and creativity is just not happening. I tried. I really did. In fact, yesterday I actually designed some pages for a circle journal. They were crash and burns. Into the trash they went. And that meant that I missed a mailing deadline. I feel like such a slacker. I take these circle journals very seriously, and I would never contribute anything but my best effort to someone else's journal. Therefore, I felt as though I had no choice but to throw that pathetic piece of work away. Back to the drawing board I must go.

I tried to design again today. No luck. Seriously, my mojo is gone. I have got to get rid of this foul mood I'm in. Thankfully, I have friends who sense my moods, and today, some of those wonderful women reached out to me. I ended up spending the entire afternoon with my gal-pals - online, via email. For me, this is a big deal, because, I confess: I am horrible when it comes to responding to emails. (at this moment, I can actually see people who are reading this shake their heads in agreement, because I'm that bad.) I am always at least 100 replies behind. And that includes corresponding with my family. I am the epitome of an email LOSER. This is one thing that I have really struggled with over the years, because I LOVE getting email, and I feel very guilty that I pretty much suck at sending it. When my in box is full, I am a happy girl. Email excites me. The whole concept of sending and receiving mail in real time has opened a whole new world to me - a world that has allowed me meet new people and to keep in touch with family and friends from all over the country. Or, I should say has allowed people to attempt to keep in touch with me. I do not exaggerate when I say I am a bad responder. But in my mind, I respond to each and every message I receive. I mentally respond when I am washing dishes or working on my pages. I even compose responses in the shower and while I'm driving the car. But when it comes to actually sitting down and tapping on the keys to type out my thoughts, I fail miserably. So for me to spend an entire afternoon playing catch up... well, that was a major accomplishment.

But my success at hitting Send today was not due to any effort on my part. No. It was due to those friends who reached out to me, sensing that I was in need of moral support. I am blessed to have such wonderful friends - women who accept me as I am and don't judge or jump to conclusions when I disappear for weeks and months at a time. And I include many of my blog readers in that group. You people also reach out. I feel it. I sense it. And I read it when you comment. From the bottom of my heart, I sincerely thank you. Because without the support and love from my friends, I fear that I would sink into a very dark place. I have been blessed with friendships that are powerful and strong; friendship that truly do stand the test of time. These friends understand when I am sinking, and they don't allow me to drown; they see it coming and they literally rush to my aid. I don't know what I've done to deserve such support, but I am truly grateful for it. (Of course, now that I have publicly admitted that I am an email LOSER, more than likely, no one will ever email me again!).

And so tonight, I thank my friends. And I also thank those who take the time to read this blog, for it is here that I share my heart, and anyone who spends time reading what I share has to know me to some degree. To the people who return time and time again to read my words, I greatly appreciate your thoughts and prayers. And this includes the shy ones who do not comment or email me, because in spite of the lack of contact, I still feel your kindness and your support.

On a less sappy note: not only did I spend the afternoon typing my fingers to the bone, I spent the evening dialing my fingers to the bone. I honestly think I dialed 866-436-5702 (04) (06) at least 500 times Tuesday night. And with all those tries, spanning a four hour period, I was only able to cast five votes for Taylor Hicks. I really want this guy to win American Idol. I love cheering for the underdog, and Taylor seemed to have no chance at the beginning of the season. Simon Cowell didn't even want to send Hicks to Hollywood. I can't imagine what this season of A.I. would have been like without Taylor's soulful voice and quirky dancing. This guy has a passion for music unlike anything I've seen in a long time. Passion and soul ooze from his heart when he sings. Which is exactly why I hope he wins. He may not be stereotypical "idol" material, but in my opinion, he has earned the right to be named an American Idol.

fUn STufF

Look what Carla sent me! How fun is that? My kids think it is cool that I have such an awesome friend who would put together a surprise package of things that are so representative of me. And so do I.

That's the great thing about friendships that span years. As time goes by, not only do the memories become more precious, but the friendships deepen to a level that lasts a lifetime. So Carla, here's a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to you for being that kind of friend. The package of goodies made my day and put a smile on my face. TiVo Guy is still sitting on my kitchen counter, and every time I walk by, I think of you. I've hung the Play ceramic over a copper tin that my mom sent me. It also sits in a place of honor in my kitchen.

And on the very same day, I also received a package from Jennifer Moody. The girl is on fire when it comes to creative scrapbooking and making a name for herself in the industry. The fact that she was so generous as to send me her book totally completed an already great day.

JenniferLynnMoody, I {heart} you and I couldn't be happier for your success. The concept of this book is one that I wholeheartedly embrace. Writing about ourselves - making pages that incorporate our thoughts, our hopes, and our dreams - is something that we, as women, absolutely must make a priority. For, if we are scrapbooking for posterity, and if we are doing so to record history, then we must make sure that we are a part of the journey we are documenting. Too often, we overlook the role that we play in the world in which we live. And to ignore the fact that we are active participants in this world, is to ignore ourselves. So, Jennifer, thank you. Thank you for putting it out there and offering a guide.

I've got to add here, that I was out of my mind excited to discover that her book has an accompanying workbook. Being the perfectionist that I am, it comes as no surprise that I love workbooks. They thrill me. Heidi Swapp's book, Love Your Handwriting, and Tracy White's book, Journaler's Handbook, also have workbooks. Dare I admit that I did their workbook activities outside of the workbooks, as to not mess up such a lovely concept? My line of thinking is always that I might want to go back and do it all over again, thus preserving the original workbook for the "just in case" factor. The difference with Jennifer's workbook is that it is set up in a way that if a person were to complete all the exercises, they would have created their own mini album that is a true representation of themselves. I honestly think I am going to do the work in Jennifer's workbook and keep it as an album. Jennifer even includes a place for photos. Now THAT'S a great workbook, in my opinion.

Regarding other fun stuff, and in keeping with my New Year's Resolution of stepping outside of my comfort zone and trying new things, I created my first digital blog banner. Grant it, the banner is nothing spectacular. But for a first attempt, I thought it turned out okay. I had to laugh because to create that silly little banner took me over four hours. There's a big learning curve when teaching oneself a new digital technique.

Thankfully, I caught a clue on the second day and turned to the digi girls at 2Peas. I've got to give a huge shout out to them for their kindness. They walked me through the steps of how to use PNG files, and they did so with patience and follow through. I even received personal emails from a couple of the gals offering their assistance off the board. God bless the kindness that is the Peas.

So in honor of the digi girls, and in honor of my New Year's Resolution, here is the first digital page I've created using PNG files. Note: PNG files are where the doodles are, and I am a self-professed doodler, so for me, those PNG files were an absolute must have.

The kit I used was from a free download available at Peppermint Creative. This kit is amazing. Miss Mint offers more in this kit than any other free download I've seen. I am absolutely positive that I will be spending money at this site as I continue to venture into the digital realm of scrapbooking.

And on the subject of digital scrapbooking, I signed up for a digi class offered by The Big Picture Scrapbooking. The instructor is Renee Pearson. I've been told that she is the best to learn from. I am very anxious to get started. Classes begin on Wednesday, which is why I worked on the banner and the page this weekend. I felt as though I needed to familiarize myself with some of the basic techniques. If I learn how to use brushes in this class, I will be shouting from the rooftops. Those brushes are so beyond my comprehension that every time I read about them, look at them, or try them, I want to cry crocodile tears and throw in the towel.

Alyssa commented this weekend that I sure do play on my computer a lot. When I told her that I was trying to scrapbook on the computer, she did the eye-roll and teenage groan - the look and sound that says, "Mom, you are are a loser." I reminded her that scrapbooking made me happy. And with that, she said, "Well that's good."

And that's the thing: I am happy. Scrapbooking makes me happy. But it is more than scrapbooking. It is the friendships and the spirit of community that come with the whole package. Without that, I honestly don't know if I would have the passion I do. I like to think that my passion is for the pure love of scrapbooking. But I know better. I know that it is so much more. It's the friendships. It's learning new techniques. And it's the fun stuff.