PSA for parents of pre-teens and teens - my personal experience

Pre-post note: This is a very serious subject, and my hope is that if even one person who reads this entry learns something new, my mistakes will not be in vain. And because I take this so seriously, I share no photos today, as to not detract from what I have to share. I pray that there are no judgments passed and that this entry is read with the sincere intent in which it is shared.

Court update in a nutshell: Today John had a court appearance to be arraigned for a misdemeanor crime committed by a minor. He now faces trial on June 1st. The judge appointed him a court ordered attorney; she entered a not-guilty plea, in spite of the fact that John told her he was guilty of possession of marijuana. So we take it from here.

A personal note: A sincere and heartfelt thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all of the kind thoughts and prayers that have been said in our behalf. And a special thank you to Heather for texting me while I was waiting in the courtroom hallway close to hysterics, pacing back and forth for two full hours. Heather, I do so love you! Thank you for being my special BFF - you give me so much more than I will ever be able to reciprocate, and for that, I know I am blessed beyond measure.

And more special thank yous to every single person who took precious time out of their busy lives to comment on my last blog entry - you shared your hearts with me, and I was comforted by your words of kindness and support. I read each and every word and was uplifted and encouraged by everything you shared. Your words offered peace in a time of great need, and although I have not responded to your individual messages, I hold them dear to my heart... please know that when you shared your words, you lifted my spirits and gave me much needed courage.

The specifics in more detail: The judge talked to John about how serious the punishment would be if he pleads guilty: fine, community service, possible time served in juvenile detention center, potential expulsion from school, and loss of driver's license. John is prepared to pay the fine; he knows he will have to do community service. The detention center thing sort of blew his mind and scared the bejeevers out of him, as did the expulsion from school. But since John DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HIS DRIVERS PERMIT, let alone a driver's license - that part doesn't faze him. But the judge didn't want him to accept the [potential of] a full penalty without representation of an attorney - which will cost us a freaking fortune - so she entered the not-guilty plea and ordered a trial. Jeff is furious. I'm just sad. John is pretty quiet about it, but I've not really had a chance to talk with him since she gave her ruling. One of the kids who were involved in this whole mess (the driver of the car) didn't even show up! The cop was a no-show, too, and we are wondering if that may have something to do with her ruling?????

My observations after living this nightmare: I write this as the mother of a 17 and 18 year old, and I share my story as my own way of putting it out there by offering a public service announcement in regard to teenagers today, because to be very honest, these are things I did not know until recently. These practices apply to middle school, high school, and college age children, who are our leaders of tomorrow, and our hope for the future. I had no idea these things were happening until this week, and thus, I believe that other parents may be as clueless as I was until my world fell apart. So here you go - my personal experience in all its gory details.

I preface the following by saying emphatically, "Good kids make bad choices. And, although bad choices are often part of growing up, parents need to be aware of the potential mistakes that can be made - whether it be due to peer pressure, depression, spur of the moment decisions, or just plain rite of passage." When we are talking about our own children, ignorance is not bliss. Education is, therefore, the key.

In the last week, I have learned that it is very common for kids to put the alcohol in everyday, common containers and take those common containers to school and to public places. Examples: vodka goes in a water bottle because it is clear, Kahlua goes in a to-go coffee cup because it looks like coffee, and the cool thing known as "puckers" (these are the vibrant colored liquors that are watered down) go in Gatorade bottles because it looks like a sports drink. The kids then openly carry these containers at school, at the mall, at the movie theaters, etc., enabling them to drink alcohol throughout the day. Rarely are they caught because they pass the containers around and they hide them in their backpacks and their purses; often they even don't try to hide them... but rather carry them proudly out in the open as a way to look cool, be cool, and get a buzz. However, the truth is that the kids are drinking these beverages boldly in the hallways of the school, in the public areas of the mall, and in plain sight elsewhere, because the containers actually look like everyday beverages and no one suspects otherwise. This is a BIG problem and it is becoming a very common practice among middle school, high school, and college age students. I had no idea. Now I know. But still... it takes me by surprise.

John's crime was in relation to possession of marijuana. However, the kids he was with when committing this crime were busted for possession of alcohol (vodka in a water bottle tucked inside a girl's purse), and I sincerely believe chances are that when there is one illegal substance, there will be others, and that all illegal substances can lead to a road of [potential] destruction. The kids who smoke pot most certainly hang with the kids who drink. And to believe that one activity is exclusive of the other is equal to hiding a head in the sand. As a parent of two teens, I refuse to hide my head in the sand. My eyes are wide open, and now I have to figure out what to do with this information... and believe me, it's not easy, because this is out of my realm of experience. I'm sort of grasping at straws with this new-found information.

And so I am sharing these things, not to air my dirty laundry, but because today weighs heavy on my mind as I spent an entire morning - 4 long hours - in court with my 17-year-old son who was busted for possession of an illegal substance in January. As I said, today he pleaded guilty, but the judge did not accept his plea and she administered a NOT guilty plea... and so the kicker is that with an impending trial, this is just the beginning of a bad choice that John made back in January.

Trying to do the right thing when this happened, I did punish my son - I didn't allow him to test for his learner's permit, and he lost all "freedom" privileges, including having friends over, going to friends houses and dating. He also lost all source of income from me - I now give him ZERO money. He also has to undergo random drug and alcohol testing administered by me  - via an Rx from his doctor that I requested by phone. Note that anyone can make this request, so if you have suspicions, make the request - be prepared, because to it is much better to be safe than sorry. I wish that I would have done this last year when my gut told me that "something" was off.

Anyway... I digress... that was it as far as punishment at home - those punishments seemed appropriate at that time, since he was home-bound and unable to attend high school due to his illness, and since the random drug testing now hangs over his head and is in his face every single day since he never knows when I am going to stop at the lab and have him pee in a cup (and I have done so... so these are not empty threats) - so in my mind, the punishment fit the crime; he is broke, he is without driving privileges, he has lost my trust, and he is still stressing because these things are only the beginning of his consequences.

Today, the punishment continued in that he had to spend the morning in court. He was so nervous that he was shaking. He chose to wear dress clothes with a tie as a show of respect for the court (his idea, not mine). And he took his earring out so that the judge would not form an opinion based upon his appearance (again, his idea, not mine). And still, the result of his poor decision now means that he has to go to trial - which is even more punishment all these months after the fact - all this for "possession" (he did test clean when the cops caught him - so he just had it in his possession... but that is still a misdemeanor).

And so when all is said and done, his punishment will be even more than ever imagined because he will have a fine to pay, perform community service, worry about possible expulsion from school, and there is a slim chance that he will have to spend time sleeping in a juvenile detention center. Additionally, he won't be able to get his driver's license for 6 months after he applies. So by the time he is finally able to drive, he will be well over 18 years old.

My take on this: his mistake, his consequence. My prayer is that this will be a life lesson, because if I allow myself to think otherwise, I will fall apart, so I am holding tight to the consequences for actions theory. Am I mean? Possibly. But it is the only way I know how to approach this living nightmare.

One thing that seemed to be very effective in John's situation was when he witnessed me crying. I told him that I loved him unconditionally and that I understood that mistakes are made - but at the same time, I told him how very disappointed I was that he had chosen to make such a serious mistake. I then informed him that he had to earn back my trust and that it would take a lot of effort on his part for me to be able to trust him again. In turn, he cried, apologized, and toed the line (for how long... that is yet to be seen - because, to be very honest, I am extremely skeptical at this stage of the game).

John knows that I truly believe that good kids can make bad choices, and that I will always love him through thick and thin. But he also knows that, although I do not look at this as the end of the world, it most certainly dictates how the rest of his teen and high school years are going to be: court appearances, possibility of expulsion, community service, fines, loss of license, lack of trust, piss tests, and on and on it goes.

If one were to talk to my son tonight, he would probably admit that it is just not worth it. But the question remains: will he still feel this way the next time temptation arises? Will he still consider consequences when actions at that moment in time sound so intriguing?

I think that temptations today are far more than we, as parents, ever faced. I also think that through the ages (even back in my time, which seems like 100 years ago) the problem with teens is that they never believe it will happen to them... they think they are immune to getting caught; invincible... they honestly believe they are invincible. And because of these natural teenage beliefs, there is just one single thing I hope comes of this mess: I want John to realize that NO ONE... NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON is immune to temptation, and it takes a courageous person to stand up and say no. When it comes to invincibility - saying no is the only way to assure that getting caught is not an option.

Lesson learned? Only time will tell.

Comments

[Cynthia]

Kelly, thanks for sharing your story. Thanks for being transparent. Thanks for reminding us all how fragile life is, how easy it is for a good kid to slip, how dangerous those slips are....

Hang in there my friend!

[Angie K]

Thank you for being so open about all of this. As a mother of a teen boy, my heart goes out to you. But know this - your courage is outstanding.

[rachel]

thank you for sharing such a painful experience. I read your blog regulary. I am a mom of two boys (10 & 12) - i apprecate your honesty

[Theresa (ScrapWench)]

Being a parent is the hardest job you will ever do and it is very difficult to see our children make poor choices. We see the big picture, have a sense of consequences and to often they do not.

My fervent wish is that my children's choice don't come with devastating consequences...time will tell.

much love to you Kelly,

Theresa (ScrapWench)

[Kirsten]

Oh Kelly, I applaud your frank, open attitude. As a parent of an 18 year old who is going off to college next September, I hope and pray he makes good choices. So many variables, so many temptations, and yes, good kids make bad choices. Hopefully John will learn and grow. My heart hurts for you and him, especially with his health issues, he's had a tough go of it, and I've been around enough of this stuff to know how the temptations can seem like the great escape route. Thanks for your eye-opener...I tend to be naive about this stuff.

[Marla]

Thank you for sharing your story Kelly and I think you are doing a fabulous job handling everything.

[Heather]

Kelly -- thanks for sharing your story. I frequently say I don't know what I'd do raising my kids if I didn't have friends who hadn't already walked this path that could give me advice and support. While we'd like to think our kids would never do these things, reality is they're going to make mistakes. I'm thinking that this judge probably knows he'd get a much lighter sentence if he had a lawyer who could make a plea bargain for him and felt like he needed that. As for the drinks in regular containers . . . I think you've opened a lot of eyes sharing that information with us all. So didn't occur to me, even though I've been in the HS environment.

As for the text. . . I just couldn't stop thinking about you that morning and knew I didn't want you to have to wait until you got home to read a FB message. Obviously, God had put you on my heart because you needed that text. I've sat in on several cases of teens and know how nerve-wracking that can all be. Know that I consider it an honor to be your BFF. And don't go saying I give so much more than you can reciprocate. You've been there for me through several difficult times, and I have always known I could depend on you -- your thoughts, prayers, advice, and just being there if I needed to get something off my chest. Love and Hugs girlfriend!

[ynne]

Thanks for giving us the painful update. My son just celebrated his 19th birthday --- his psychology professor told him 19 is the "invincible" year, at no other time in their life do kids think they are more invicible than at 19... Kids brains just don't finish cooking until 25 or so, particularly in regards to impulse control. You can just be sure he has the tools. My oldest son went away to college and flunked out, just not ready for the freedom of choices. John's path may be different than of your daughter's but with your help and guidance, he'll make it.

[Becca]

I received a phone call on April 17 from my 16 year old daughter's(foster child whom we are adopting)teacher saying she was being arrested at that very moment. It was the worst phone call I have ever and hope to ever have to receive. She was selling/trading prescription medication to other students. She is currently on 10 day suspension and we go Thursday to find out if they will expel her from school for 180 days. She has to go to court on July 7th. She had to spend the night in J. Detention and will have to do community service. She was placed on house arrest until court. It has been a very long week and a half and i am sure that it will get longer as time goes on because I can't do my normal things with out her right next to me-no lunch dates with girl friends, no lunch dates with my husband-so, it will be a long few months. I NEVER even thought about this kind of thing. I too, will stick by her through thick and thin. I will pray that she has also learned a very valuable lesson and will take a different path in her life. Praying for you as well, because I know as a parent how very hard this is. You never expect it, and then, bam, you are there.

[pcsmart]

my heart is breaking for you, and for john. teens don't think past the moment, don't think at all sometimes. you wonder if they realize the effect their actions have on those around them, those who love them. it is one thing to hurt yourself but another to hurt those you care about you. the sad thing is i was a rebellious teen and my parents never realized it. they had no clue then, or now. i got away with it all and moved on to a normal life (well as normal as i can be). i almost feel cheated because they were so into their own lives they never checked to see what i was really up to...or just didn't want to know. as long as i was not caught or in major trouble with the law or the school - they remained oblivious. so thank you for showing me what a concerned parent feels, goes through when a child messes up. you light the path for those of us who are moving into the teen world....

[janet_o]

Thanks for putting this out there. Since Abby is starting middle school next year (gasp), I have started to realize that I need to be very aware of this type of thing - just to be AWARE. Scary. You rock. HUGS

[Christina]

Wow, I'm so sorry you and your family is dealing with this. But it sounds like you are doing everything right and doing what you can. What you described is why I'm so scared to send my oldest into middle school next year. He's a good kid, but no one is immune to peer pressure.

My brother was caught with alcohol when he was 16. He was scared straight and never got in trouble again and is now a police officer. Good kids will do stupid things. But they also learn and change. It sounds like yours is learning and hopefully will make the right decisions from here on out. Some of our most meaningful lessons are painful. But they stick with us.

I wish your family luck in this journey. And that you all come out the other side wiser, stronger and closer.

[Steph G.]

Kelly, you are a great mom. You offer encouragement and love at the same time you are placing restrictions and setting boundaries. Thank you for sharing this with us - I have a 17 yo DSS and there is so much I don't know about teenagers. Big Hugs and Prayers for you.

[Chiara]

Kelly this is one of the reasons I admire you. You are willing to put it all out there. I will say this may be the judges way into scaring him straight. Get an attorney and have the attorney try and cut a deal with the prosecuter it is done all the time so it does not have to go to trial. I did know some of that stuff you stated but only because my DH is a police officer. I am so sorry you are going through this and I truly hope John is seeing the light. Many hugs and prayers are being sent your way

[Amy So]

You are right: They DO think they are invincible. And it's not just teenage stubborness, it is literally the way their brains work. Of course, none of that really matters when you're faced with the reality of everything. Wish (not for the first time!) we lived closer. I'd...well, I don't know what I'd do, other than bring you cookies and hold your hand. I'm sorry you had to go to court all by yourself!

Speaking as a former rebellious child, I have to say that you ARE doing the right things. 100% the best thing is that you are NOT burying your head in the sand. You're not ignoring it. By forcing it out in the open you're taking away some of the power the drugs have. How embarrassing for your MOM to know all your secrets---that takes away some of the appeal right there. But more importantly by forcing the issue you are making a statement that it is NOT ok. And then, letting him have the consequences, too---the exact right thing to do. I know it must be SOOOOO hard, but you are doing it. I'm proud of you!

When I was teaching, one of my students wore a Camelback to class all the time. I never really thought much of it, until he was obviously DRUNK because he had vodka, not water, in his Camelback. Then I was like...DUH. Why would a kid need a Camelback in school? I just thought he was using it as a, you know, a back pack! But I'd not yet taken that special little concept down the road...vodka in waterbottles and Kalua in coffee cups? You have to give them this: they're ingenious. If they'd just apply all that mental energy towards learning, just think! ;)

Constant hugs going your way. Hang in there!!!!!!!

[Kim B.]

Thanks for sharing this Kelly. I really wish I could give you hug in person. So, I am sending you "hyper hugs".

Times sure have changed since we were teens growing up. You couldn't pay me to be a teen in this day and age. Our children have it so much harder, IMO, than we ever did.

The one thing that stands out for me that your wrote is that "good kids make bad choices". Just keep reminding yourself of that. I have a friend who went through something very similar last year. They got through it and she changed her life around in a big way. Many parents would have turned their back on their child in this situation but it speaks VOLUMES that you are right there for John during all of this.

Sending lots of love and prayers your way............

[slammie]

HUGE HUGS and P&PT heading your way. Man, times have changed from when we were kids....

[Susan]

Thank you for being so honest. As the mother of a 14-year-old boy, who is the light of my life, I pray that he stays the good boy that he is. I know it's hard, I have two older girls, one who had a legal issue in college, so I know of what you speak, parents can really only be there for their kids, to set an example, and be present for their kids. Keep up the good work. It sounds like your son has learned his lesson. I know that my daughter did. And yes, it does cost money, but at least it didn't cost life.
Peace,
Susan.

[becky]

Kelly this post needs to put out there for every mom of teens to see. I applaud you for your strength, love and ability to share even the hardest parts of being a parent. I hope that this is the lesson that John chooses to use to change his choices in the future and to move forward and become all he can. I've shared before that my mother struggled through many of these same issues with my brother and he did come through it and we all survived to become stronger and smarter.

Thanks for the information about the drinking and how they disguise what they are doing. While (even over 30 yrs ago) alcohol was prevelant in my high school we didn't think to hide it in plain sight. As a mother of a almost teen I will share this with my friends so we can also know what to look for.

HUGS my friend.