Grrrr. Teenagers.

Teenagers + Summer = Not My Favorite Combination

Last week goes down in history as being the one single week when every stereotype, cliche and preconceived notion about teenagers came true. If I had it my way, last week would be erased from my life entirely and I would go merrily about the business of being a parent thinking I was possibly doing a good job. As it is, I'm not merry and I'm not doing that great of a job being a parent because last week was the week from hell as far as being a mom goes.

Monday started out with a traumatic break-up between John and his girlfriend, and as the week progressed, the days quickly moved on to be filled with drama and girls, and all sorts of back and forth angst. When all was said and done, John had gotten into a fight, dislocated his jaw, messed up his face, and barely escaped another nose break. He's a mess. His face is swollen and discolored, his mouth is all cut up, and he now has a new girlfriend.

What's a mom to do? I sat back on the sidelines watching it unfold as I bit my tongue and tried my best to keep my opinions to myself. To say I was stressed would be putting it mildly. Lots of drama. Lots of late night coming and goings. And lots of minding my own business. It was all I could do to not cry when John came home after the altercation.

Fast forward to the weekend. All I can say is, "The combination of teenage drivers, idle summer nights, and kids claiming their independence is almost too much for a mom to bear."

Without going into too many details, I will say this about that:  I've got an 18 year old daughter who is sewing far too many wild oats before she leaves for college. This is the child who earned awards and scholarships just last month... the girl who has not been grounded since the age of 13... the one who has not given me an ounce of trouble in all of her teenage days... the person who has a job and who saves her money... the teenager who has been easy to raise... the daughter who has given me joy beyond compare. So what the heck is happening to her this summer? Is it because she turned 18 and graduated all in the same week? Is it because she has never rebelled? Or is it because she really doesn't know any better? I just don't know and my heart is aching.

To sum it up, Friday night involved an extremely poor decision made by Alyssa that ended up taking her to a dangerous part of D.C., a dance club/bar, an hour long taxi ride to get her home, a really late missed curfew, a lost purse, a very scared girl, and a whole lot of tears, not to mention the lies and the booze that were involve. I have never been so worried in my entire life. And now that she is home safe, I am mad and hurt and confused.

Some may ask why I chose to air my dirty laundry on the blog. My response to that is two-fold : 1) to say that I am just now figuring out that good kids can make bad choices, and 2) to say that no matter what we do as parents, there comes a time when we have to watch them make their own mistakes. The hope is that those mistakes become learning tools and that our teenagers will not repeat the same offense twice. Does this happen? I don't know. Am I delusional? Possibly. But the bottom line is that I'm doing my best and even my best cannot protect my teenagers every minute of every day. My kids are growing up and, unfortunately, that means they are going to screw up now and then - a fact that I hate to admit, but a fact, nonetheless. It also means there is not a damn thing I can do about it except continue to offer unconditional love and try to steer them back on the right track once a mistake is made.

The bottom line is that at this moment in time, I am not handling the parenting thing too well. I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm angry. And, worse, I'm at a loss. So if anyone wants to know how my summer is going, all I can say is YIKES. And when all is said and done, I still have to let her go in five weeks when she heads off to college. The thought scares me to death because not only am I not ready, now I am wondering if she is ready for all that freedom.

So... does anyone have any idea on how to "ground" an 18 year old who will only be living at home for five more weeks? She already doesn't have car keys. And barring house arrest, I doubt there is much more I can do that will make the impact I'm hoping for. Maybe the experience alone was enough of a punishment to teach the lesson, because if it wasn't, my fear is that this summer is only going to get worse.

Comments

[slammie]

just checking in to see if you're surviving and how the kiddos are.....HUGS!

[Marla]

Hi Kelly, just checking in to see how things are going.

[Kelly S.]

Kelly,

Hope all is well with you. I've been thinking of you a lot since your last post... especially since I acted like my parents were the reason I was miserable the summer before my freshman year in college. I still remember the fight my mom and I had in my dorm room when they moved me in there... not pretty. Nineteen years laster and I still can replay it in my mind.

On the up side, I finally figured out my parents weren't the enemy. Took me long enough though. :-(

Kelly in Ohio

[becky]

Just checking in to see how things are going. Hope things have improved. I know it must be difficult now because your daughter is getting ready to leave for college. Sending big HUGS

[Donna]

I just wanted to check in with you and see if the uproar has died down any. No consolation but I think the sensible Alyssa will return. It's that wild oats thing going on along with the thrill of what she perceives as FREEDOM!! Anyway, hope all is going better than before and looking for a new post from you soon.

[pc smart]

i feel for you....just now heading into the teen world with 12 and 15 but i know what you mean. you cannot protect them and all you can hope is that they take your teachings to heart when temptation comes along...

[Linda Hofacker]

I hate it - that point in our children's life when we have to let go - remind them of the safety points - but let them live and learn! You bet she will remember what she did wrong - and hopefully not how to do it differently next time - but to just be honest and forthright! College changes them so much - just be ready and keep the lines of communication open!

Hugs!

[Coreen]

Wow! That's the all encompassing reply to 'holy crap' moments in life ... wow! I can feel your heartbreak. Sometimes the natural consequences (like fear and humiliation) are the best teachers. I'm also a fan of rubbing it in (embarassing but true), so perhaps a couple days volunteering together at an AA establishment or youth jail would illustrate the dangerous game she's decided to play? Good luck and remember ... prayer works!

[Kelly]

No words of wisdom here to help. I can only envision how mine will be when they reach that age.... yikes is right! I think giving your kids a soft place to land at times is a good thing. I don't think I will be very good at that; you seem to be doing it just fine.

[Christine Campbell]

Aww Kell, ((HUGS)) I'm not a mom (yet) but when my baby sister went off to college last year, I bawled almost daily before her graduation, all year really. Couldn't look at my sb pages of her (and there are alot) and she wasn't bothered (it seemed) until the day before she left. Then it hit her like a ton of bricks. Fortunately, I had cried my tears beforehand and saved the last few for after she left so I could just listen and hug her and tell her it was going to be fine. I still miss her everyday and can't wait for her 5 week break - she's coming home tomorrow. But strangely, it does get easier. I was worried, as I'm sure her mother and our dad were because this is the girl who didn't know how to load the dishwasher by herself or do laundry until she was 16. And they were letting her go to Toronto all by herself. And I worried more when she was moving out of residence to get an apartment with friends from school but she's doing it, with some drama still but they are teenage girls after all. But she's surprised me, she's impressed me even. I noticed a significant difference in her by something simple she said last time she was home in June. Like it or not, they do learn and grow up, even if we don't want them to.
Alyssa has been given the tools to do this on her own and learned the lessons she needs to know to be self sufficient when she does leave - all from you. You've done your job Kelly, the best you knew how, and quite frankly, pretty darn good I think. She'll be fine and so will you. John will get there too, I'm quite certain of that but sometimes it just takes a little more time. Have faith Kelly, in yourself and your kids. You done good, girl!! :)

[Darleen]

Wow, you mentioned on the BB thread that you had teenage troubles, but i had no idea. I have a daughter getting ready to turn 16 and she is already starting to "test the waters". It is very hard to keep them grounded when they are trying so hard to fly. I wish you the best of luck & for the record it sounds like your daughter's experience was a lot of the lesson in itself. I'm glad that she's home safe and as far as your son goes, just do the best that you can, that's all we can do as Mom's.

[tracy whitney]

Kelly, Kelly, if you lived near me I would whisk you away for dinner and drinks where we could comisserate about our teens.
My Amberly, now 18 and freshly graduated has put us through the wringer. I was really upset with her yesterday (for countless reasons) and she said to me in a snotty tone, What are you gonna do, GROUND me?" and off she went. Here we are more than 24 hrs later, haven't seen her, I don't know where she is or who she is with - no way to contact her.
There are no words to decribe...

[Sharon Lovoy]

Dearest Kelly, she may be past the traditional punishment stage, I am wondering whether she is past the: "I'm disappointed in you for the choices you have made and the disrespect you showed to me by bringing on horrible worry. But don't forget disrespect you showed to yourself and your character. You are so much better than this. You have always shown your ability to act responsibly no matter what others were doing. You also let down the people around you by failing to show up as the model of great behavior. I never pictured you as someone who would be a go with the flow. You let your standards down."

I sense that you already are aware that Emotional Maturity is understanding how things we say and do impact others. I have a feeling that because she is inherently a wonderful girl/child, this may be the way to reach her. Hang in there, mom! :)

[Kirsten]

I don't have an answer, but was hoping to find one, myself! My own son is golden (knock on wood...), but my 17 yo goddaughter just rolled her car last week, out at 2 a.m., drinking and driving. My girlfriend is at her wits end...here is a girl with weathy grandparents, had a 3.8 gpa a year ago, and was looking at universities in England. Last quarter she failed 3 classes, doesn't care about next year, let alone college, and what do you do? I have no advice for my friend, and she says I can't understand, anyway, since I have a good kid. Hope you laid a solid foundation, that's about all you can do!

[Becky H]

its funny, when talking with friends about what our teenagers are doing, its not any different than what we were doing. not that thats any help. we live in a much more scary place than when and where I grew up. my soon to be 21 yr old is home for summer and I still find myself waking up and looking to see if he is home. does it ever stop? a teenager will teach us, never say never.

[lynne]

Oh Kelly, I wish I had great words of wisdom for you. I am a parent of 21 & 18 year old sons. From what I know about kids & college, you may be glad her oats are being sowed while under your roof and not when she goes away. It is scary for me too as my youngest is going to school in the fall. In fact, he has been away all summer at a camp job. I saw him this weekend for the first time since 6/1 and he had some pretty scary alcohol stories. You can only hope that she has learned to try to keep herself from harms way. What scares me is that so many parents support this activity. During Parent's Weekend during both his freshman and sophmore year, parents bought hard booze for the suite!!!
Best of luck, Lynne/Alpharetta GA

[Betsy]

Bless your heart. It is so rough being a parent of teenagers. Believe me...I'm totally with you!! Summer is not my favorite time of the year either! Too many long days and nights with nothing to do. And you are a wonderful mom...doing the best you can!! I don't really have any advice except to say that grounding them is almost more like punishment for YOU! Then they're just hanging around the house pouting and slamming doors and you have to put up with all that attitude. :( It will get better. And Alyssa is a sweet girl. I can tell from everything you've told us about her. She will be fine in college. All teenagers do a few dumb things before it's all over. I always just hope that the dumb things they do don't have severe consequences (pregancy, addiction, death...you get the picture!) Good luck and lots of hugs!!

[Jennifer Lynn Moody]

I wish I had sage advice but I was much like Alyssa my post-high school summer (rebelling from being the "good girl" and trying to reinvent myself before college) so maybe Robbie has better advice than me. All I can say is that this too shall pass... and hopefully she'll learn from the experience and be able to gauge how one decision can have many consequences in a chain reaction.

Miss you!

[Angie]

Oh Kelly,
What a terrible week. But I appreciate you sharing the "real story" even when your good kids make bad choices. And this is the part of being a parent that keeps me up at night - knowing that some days there will be bad choices and all I can do is be there when they are broken. SIGH. I wish someone had told me this parenting stuff would be so hard...

[Marla]

Oh Kelly....I have no advice because if I did, I would certainly heed it myself. I knew that my kids would make bad choices because that is part of growing up but I was not prepared for how hurt I would be by it. You try so hard to be the best parent you can be and then when there are bumps in the road you wonder what in the world you did wrong. I know I am preaching to the choir right now but I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in how you are feeling. I think the secret is to try and not feel like they are doing these things to hurt us, they are just doing them. Hang in there Mama because this too shall pass :-)

[Barb]

I'm sorry Kelly. Obviously I have no advice, but at this age, I think she's past the parental punishment stage. Hopefully the experience scared her enought to make her think and make better choices in the future. More hugs coming your way.

[Susan]

HI Kelli,
Just had to tell you 'we ae with ya'---my two are almost 12 and almost 13. I am not looking forward to this part of parenting. They are such good kids just like Alyssa and John are and it's really hard to take that they still make bad choices. I commend and thank you for sharing so I stay aware that the good kids don't always do exactly what they should. Will keep you and yours in our prayers and keep looking for that light.....at the end of the tunnel!! Take good care of you!

[slammie]

double giant hugs for you, sweetie....

[Danielle]

Kelly, I have 3 teens - almost 19, 17 and 15. I too have been where you are, and worse. My oldest has been a huge test in parenting for us, and he also does not have access to car keys, for LOTS of reasons. Some days, I'm still surprised that he hasn't been evicted from his own house! They do test us, they think they are invincible, they drive us crazy and make mistakes (sometimes life altering ones). Hang in there - it isn't easy and I too have felt useless as a mother. The kids need to learn their own lessons, and all we can do is support them and let them know that their home is always available to them. Friends with kids who are now adults tell me that they survived and their kids did eventually turn the corner, for the better.

[Heather]

hugs, hugs, hugs! I wish I had advice for you . . . .but all I can do is send hugs!