The Edge of Reason

My Simple Life

Summertime, and the living is easy. I wish this was something I could say every single day. Yet the truth is, life gets in the way and we often forget to just sit back and relax.

But relax is exactly what we have been doing for the past several days - and I've got to admit: it has been wonderful.

It all started when Jeff asked me to join him on a trip to the Home Depot - not my idea of a great date, and definitely not something on my "relaxing" agenda, which included reading, reading, and more reading. But once we got to the Home Depot, we had a lot of fun. The intention was to pick out some new hanging flower pots for our deck.... we ended up not with flowers at all, but instead, with new deck furniture - and that is when the relaxing really began. As far as dates go, our trip to the Home Depot rates right up there!

I wanted to keep my Adirondack gliding chairs because 1) they are comfortable and outdoorsy, and 2) they were an anniversary gift that I gave to Jeff eight years ago, thus, they have sentimental value in spite of their lack of flair and style. What we decided was to work around the Adirondack chairs by adding to the seating with a casual grouping that would be inviting but not too fancy (we are not really fancy folks). What we now have is, in my opinion, as close to perfection as I had ever hoped for: seating for six, with a mix of the old and the new.

From the moment we unloaded the furniture (an adventure in and of itself because we had to rent the Home Depot truck and unload everything ourselves), things just got better and better. All of the following pictures were taken from our deck over a period of three days:

It never ceases to amaze me that although we live in a subdivision in the suburbs there are always wild animals in our vicinity. We see fox, deer, hedgehogs, raccoon, rabbits, skunks (not my favorite animal - and there are a LOT of skunks around here), turtles, and all sorts of other creatures great and small. Since I will always be a farm girl at heart, it delights me when I am able to watch the animals.  And clearly, I get a kick out of taking pictures of them at every opportunity. I only wish I was better at photography and that I would be more prepared because usually, by the time I run in the house and grab my camera, the animals have disappeared. Well... not the turtle... those things move slow as all get out and I could take naps during their road crossing tendencies.

When we lived in Washington state, opossum were a common sight. I can't say that I miss them, because I don't - I find opossum to be rather creepy and really ugly (although as a child, I actually tried to take a baby opossum in and make a pet out of it - the opossum was MEAN and when we took it with us in a shoe box on a car ride to my best friend Darci's house, it got out of the shoe box and chewed the holy heck out of the upholstery in their car. Nasty things, those opossums!). Another animal that was a current sighting in Washington state was the black bear - these bear were not large, they were just chubby creatures who lumbered along. Since we've moved to Virginia, I have yet to see a bear or any kind - and I do miss the bear (sorry, Mom, I know you have all kinds of bears by your house and that they wreck havoc with the trash and whatnot, but I still miss them and I'm hoping to see a whole lot of bears the next time I visit).

To end this meandering, wandering, relaxing, nothing entry, I include a final picture of my hibiscus plants in full bloom. I'm a bit insulted that the hummingbirds are not in the least bit interested in these plants - they won't even stick their nose inside a single flower - I've made it far to easy for them to get their food for free and without effort. But in spite of the fact that the hibiscus were purchased to lure the birds, I am enjoying the multiple new blooms that appear each and every day. And now that I have my comfy, cushy new deck furniture, I will be spending even more time outside enjoying the hibiscus, the hummingbirds, the deer, my dogs, and what really has become my simple life.

Birthday Bashes: Alyssa turns 19 and Fiskars is 360 years old!

Every parent says it: "Where does the time go?" I've been asking myself this question since the day Alyssa turned thirteen - that golden age of transition. Six years later, a few harrowing moment, a lot of wonderful memories, and at least a million "I love yous,"  she turned nineteen - that wonderful age of almost there... almost an adult... almost done with the business of growing up. And still I ask, "Where did the time go?" Because as I see it, she's so close to being there - the adult she so wants to be.

As we celebrated her nineteenth birthday yesterday, I was on an emotional roller-coaster - smiling one moment, and crying the next. The smile was my joy - the joy of who she was and who she has become. The tears were because I was remembering the day she was born, and although it was almost two decades ago, it remains one of my favorite lifetime moments. I kept thinking about how tiny she was that long ago day. And I remembered feeling so helpless as the doctor placed her in my arms; I remembered the overwhelming feeling of love that encompassed my entire being; and I remembered thinking she is my reason for life. And as I recalled all those emotions, I realized that I still feel helpless as a mother, and that overwhelming feeling of love that encompassed my soul - it has only grown stronger. So I guess the tears were joyful, in spite of my constant desire for a do-over because, as I've said many times before, I'm still not ready to say good-bye to my baby girl.

We didn't have a birthday party for Alyssa this year (she said she was too old for that), but we did honor her day by making a special birthday dinner, eating a beautiful cake, and taking the annual birthday photos.

As Alyssa was reviewing the options for her special dinner menu, John, Jeff and I were all holding our breath with anticipation because she is now a vegetarian (Jeff calls her Edgy the Veggie), and the rest of us are still meat eaters. Some of the things she comes up with are not our idea of "celebratory" meals! This year, she decided on Ratatouille. None of us have ever eaten Ratatouille, but it sure is fun to say! And once Jeff put it together (based upon a recipe she provided), we all decided that it looks really pretty on the grill. In the end, it was a delightful celebration dinner. Thankfully, Jeff added some chicken for John and me because we tend to like our protein in the form of meat. We also like cake - thankfully, we all agree on that since no animals were killed in the process <--- yes, we hear this speech a lot, and she is doing a pretty good job of swaying each of us to begin thinking her way, but I doubt any of us will ever have the passion for the subject that she has come to find. Go Alyssa... passion is good!

Here are the pictures from the celebration meal and the annual photo shoot - it was a good day all the way around!

And now... let's talk about Fiskars! The company is 360 years old this year. Amazing! Lucky me, as one of the Nifty Fifty Fiskateers I had the opportunity to work with one of the Lead Fiskateers, Wendy Jo Avey, at the GASC Crop Party last weekend where we celebrated everything Fiskars. It was a wave of orange all the way around and I had the time of my life meeting new friends and sharing the Fiskars love. It doesn't get much better than that when it comes to working an event (I don't even think of it as work when it is that much fun).

We began the evening by giving away Fiskars products to everyone who attended the crop. Almost every single person had at least one Fiskars tool in their crop bag, and it was clear to see that crafters the world over love Fiskars products:


After the general give-away, Wendy Jo held drawings and gave away products to the Fiskateers who were in attendance. We managed to get a nice group photo after everyone ogled their new goodies:


And to complete the GASC Fiskars Birthday Bash, we ate cake, because... really... no birthday party is complete without cake!


I like cake! Alyssa's cake, Fiskars cake, any kind of cake. Cake is good. It makes me happy and says happy birthday like nothing else. And so although I have no more cake to eat, I once again wish a happy birthday to my special daughter, and a very happy 360th year to Fiskars.

Cheers!

~ back in the saddle again ~

It feels like putting on a favorite pair of old shoes - comfortable, familiar, and oh-so right. That's where I'm at, because for the first time in a year, I will return to doing what I know best: working in the craft industry. Not writing, not designing (I've been doing that all along), but actually working with the owners, the vendors and the consumers - in person, up close, and for real at a convention. Bonus for me since I will be reunited with my friends from Luxe during the day, and I will get to put on my orange cowboy hat to work with my friends at Fiskars in the evening.

When I was first contacted to do the work, I felt like a poser... I mean... really... I've not done this for over a year, and during that time, I've completely stepped away from everything and anything industry related. I've become so consumed with raising the child I have left at home - health scares, home-bound schooling, grades, bad decisions, court appearances, and then making it all right - I forgot how to focus on me and I had forgotten how to do what I know best, because I am the first to admit that parenting teens is NOT what I do best... I do MY best, but I do not excel at the task. Because whether I admit or ignore it, crafting is what I know inside and out. It's in my blood. It defines who I am more so than anything else on earth. Crafting is my passion and my escape. And I'd forgotten that I need to do this as much as I need to eat and breathe. How could I have let that happen? Life. Life took over, and somewhere along the way I'd lost myself. Funny thing: I didn't even know I'd gone missing!

For the past month, I've stressed over the jobs: will I fit in? Will I remember how to work a booth? Will I do right by the companies I'm working with? Will I make a fool of myself? Will people remember me? But then something happened on the way to this weekend... it all came back to me and I went from feeling inadequate to feeling excited and exhilarated. And now that the convention is two short days away, I can honestly say that I am so excited to be back in the saddle again. I can't wait to meet with Luxe and work with the girls. And I am looking forward to seeing fellow Fiskateers. A convention - what better way than a convention to jump back on the horse?

As I reminisce about what I used to do and what I will be doing again, I am reminded that old friends and new friends are what I miss the most about the work. People. I miss the people who share my love of crafting. These are people who understand the passion, and because these people share that passion... we all have the same burning desire to make pretty things as we create works of heart.

And so for those in the northern Virginia area who will be attending the Great American Scrapbook Convention at the Chantilly Expo Center... stop by, say hello! I'll be at the Luxe booth during the day and with the Fiskateers during the crop.

And for those whom I've worked with in the past and whom I hope to work with again, I've missed you, dear friends. I got lost for a while, but I'm finding my way back. I'm back in the saddle again - and I hope to see ya'll soon!

Fiskars Crafts Summer School Give-Away Winners...

Fiskars Crafts Summer School classes are such a great way to learn something new during the lazy days of summer. I am finding that every class is unique and inspirating. To all those who took on the challenge and tried their hand with the sewing machine applique class - I hope you had fun!

In relation to the applique class offered at Summer School, today is the day that the winners of the give away are announced. And so without further ado, I will do just that. Thank you to everyone who took the time to sign up for the drawing.

To keep things official and organized, I wrote down all the names on little cards. I then placed the cards inside a basket and shuffled them all around.


After placing the names in the basket, I drew out one name for the first project in the class. Congratulations to Kasey for winning the apron!


The next drawing was for the second project featured in the class. Congratulations to Colleen for winning the summer tote!


The final drawing was for the Fourth of July kitchen set which includes two kitchen towels and four cloth napkins. Congratulations to Janeal for winning the holiday collection.

These three lucky winners will be notified via email and the project packages will be sent out in the next few days.

Thank you, again, for joining in on the fun - happy summer crafting!

 

The Hummingbirds

Last week we saw all kinds of stormy weather in Virginia, which did nothing to energize my soul, but did everything for the flowers on my deck. After the rains ended, one of my hibiscus plants went crazy with blooms (the other hibiscus seems to have a dormant state of mind - it is a stubborn plant and I've not seen a bloom on it since the first week). And so when the sun finally came out, I decided to bribe the hummingbirds: I moved the hibiscus plants directly under the feeder, hoping to lure the birds to my deck. Prior to and during the rain the feeder had not seen any action - so Jeff suggested that I replace the nasty water, which was a great idea considering that upon close inspection, the water had nasty crud floating in it. Note to self: sugar water must be changed weekly.

I realize that in the grand scheme of life, hibiscus plants and hummingbirds are pretty low on the list of exciting things. But for me, these are always a highlight of my summer - so on my list, they rate right up there. On Sunday, I decided to go on a bird watch. I took my book, my cushy seat cover, and two cameras out on the deck and I waited. And waited. And waited. I was almost ready to give up when all of a sudden... HUMMERS! We had more birds come to visit than I could keep track of. It was thrilling, and so worth the wait.

The following pictures were taken using my Pentax DSLR and my 70-300mm zoom lens (I had to get out the big stuff for this project!). I set the shutter on the auto click setting (I have no idea what that setting is called... it's the one where you push it down and it clicks over and over again), and then I focused the frame using the portrait setting to blur out the background. From there, I just waited for the birds to show up while I had the camera stuck to my eyeball (and yes, I am well aware of the fact that I am a dork to spend an entire afternoon looking through a camera lens waiting for a hummingbird sighting).

These are my three favorite photos:

 

Since Sunday, my deck has seen a ton of hummers. I can now sit at my kitchen table and watch them right up until dark. There is a breed of this bird that is turquoise in color. One summer, that breed was a constant companion. So far this summer, I've only seen one. So now my new goal is to get a picture of the turquoise hummingbird. I have no idea whether I will have the patience to wait and watch with a camera all summer long, but I might... it will depend on the weather (must be good) and my energy level (must be low) - two things that have to be in sync for the kind of patience that would be required for such a shot. The ideal photo would be of the turquoise hummingbird inside a peach hibiscus bloom - but I realize that is setting my goals a little high; I am not a good photographer, nor do I have the kind of patience that may be required to capture that shot. However, if some odd stroke of luck occurs, I will be sure to post the picture. Heck, if I were to get a picture of that, I would probably have it enlarged and framed just so that I could enjoy the beauty for the rest of my days.

To be honest, I really don't like birds at all. But these hummingbirds literally take my breath away. They truly enhance my summer days with their beauty and fragility. And in the grand scheme of my life - pretty things and beautiful flowers are very high on the list of things that make me smile.

a good change is always the best kind of change there is

My teenagers have informed me that they no longer want me to write about them on my blog. This has been a dilemma for me, in that without writing about them, I have a severe shortage of topics. I've tried to honor their requests as best as I can, but I've found it difficult not to incorporate the mothering part of myself into this on-going documentation of my life. Finally, I told them that I would compromise.... we'll see how I do. *sigh* I suppose this is yet another stepping stone in parenting my almost adult children.

That said, I feel compelled to post an update on my wayward son, who has made such an effort to straighten out his life. I think that it is only fair to him that I share the good after so openly sharing the ugly details of his mistakes.

In the past few months, John has made every effort to improve his failing grades - and he's managed to bring them all up to high C's and B's', which hasn't been easy considering he had let them slide for so long, in addition to having the disadvantage of being home-bound for the first half of the school year, which caused a huge brouhaha in the grading system for his teachers once he returned to school. What looked to be a year of failure has turned into a year of success, and for that I am both proud and grateful. The credit goes to John because he took it upon himself to find the inner strength and determination to turn things around.

Regarding the subject of the misdemeanor drug charge and court appearance - John appeared in court on June 1. The charge was suspended and he was given 24 hours of community service. Once he completes the community service, the charge will be dropped. Since that date, John has been staying after school and he has performed community service daily. By the end of this week, his community service hours will be fulfilled. Again, the credit goes to John for taking the bull by the horns and working with the school to arrange service hours. His completion date was set for August 1st, but by jumping in and trying to put it behind him, he will be done by June 17. I never said a word about this... telling him only that he had to figure it out and get it done. His aggressive plan of attack is paying off and he not only will get it done, but he will have done so with dignity and a positive attitude.

And finally, the puzzle picture above - John has begun to spend a lot more time at home doing things that are a whole lot healthier than drugs. One day last week, he started digging through my closets and rummaging around in odd places. When I finally asked him what the heck he was doing in "my stuff," he told me that he was looking for puzzles. Since then, he and Taylor have become puzzle maniacs. I will admit that I have some pretty cool puzzles because I usually buy them when I travel around the country, so they are mostly historical in nature and replications of true artistry. Currently, John and Taylor are working on the Oregon Trail puzzle. Next in line is the Lewis and Clark puzzle (there you go... my Pacific Northwest roots are showing!). This afternoon, Alyssa came upstairs and said, "Mom, I don't think you need to keep checking on Taylor and John every minute because all they ever do is puzzles." I had to laugh, and then I let out a HUGE sigh of relief - puzzles are such a better sight than kissing and cuddling - because, yes, that's what parents of teenagers often see, and it is very disconcerting. However, I've not seen kissing and cuddling since the puzzles came out. My sense of relief is undeniable.

Sometimes, good kids make bad choices - I've seen it happen time and time again, and it always breaks my heart. But when it happened with my own child, I didn't think I could bear the burden. The stress, the anguish, and the worry were so beyond my realm of reality that I didn't know how to begin to make this right. I soon discovered that all I knew how to do was go with my gut instinct, and my gut told me that the best approach should be first and foremost love. Admittedly, I had anger, but the love I have for this child overrode any anger I felt, and so that is where I began, and that is how I was able to find strength.

In hindsight, I can honestly say that I was not the only one to draw strength from my love - I think that John sensed my unconditional love in a way that allowed him to find his own inner strength. And in this situation, his inner strength was the only thing that would correct the mistake and change his ways. Mommy gut. That's what I call it. There is something to be said about "just knowing" even though it doesn't make sense and may not seem the right avenue to take at the time. I'm so glad that I listened to my Mommy gut, because, once again, it has served me well.

My sincere hope is that the changes I see in John are part of a growth process that continues through the years. Currently, he is worried that he will not regain the respect and trust from those adults whom he so greatly admires - teachers, neighbors, and parents of his friends. My only advice to him is to continue doing what he is doing - that being working hard and respecting himself - because I truly believe that self respect goes a long way towards earning the respect of others. I also know that John is a good kid... he made a mistake, and now he's making it right. And at the end of the day, that is all any parent can ask for because a good change is always the best kind of change there is.

Fiskars Give-away, John's Prom, the Internet, and Stormy Weather <---- in no particular order and totally unrelated!

This weekend I discovered something new about myself: I am hopelessly addicted to the internet. The realization occurred while we were without internet connection for two days. I felt lost... helpless... out of touch... out of sorts... and most of all... out of patience. What makes me laugh is that two days later Verizon continues to call us with a recorded message saying that they are still working on the problem. Okay. Thanks. The "problem" was corrected on Monday. But we appreciate the interruption three times a day - NOT (talk about lack of communication within a company).

As soon as our internet was back up and running, I did a little happy dance <--- yes, I have one of those and, in fact, several of my friends have actually seen me do the happy dance. My kids, on the other hand, despise the dorky dance, and so I try to limit my antics to times when they are not within the viewing area. It was too bad that immediately following my happy dance, a big storm rolled in with a whole lot of thunder and a little bit of lightening. I quickly unplugged the computer, not wanting a power surge to mess up my recent rekindling of the love affair I have with internet connection. I fear my happy dance may now be referred to as a rain dance since that is what it brought on in full force.

Things seem to have calmed down now, which means all is once again well in my world and I can proceed as planned, albeit four days behind schedule.

So first things first: for the past few weeks I've been working on a project for Fiskars on-line Summer School program. This week, I am the guest designer on the site and the class is up and ready to go. And so for anyone who has ever wanted to try their hand at sewing machine applique on small scale projects, this class is for you: Applique with Fiskars Templates.

In addition to the class at Fiskars, I am also offering my own promotional give-away of the featured projects. The class includes instructions for applique on a denim apron, a medium sized tote, and a festive Fourth of July kitchen collection that includes decorative towels and cloth napkins - these three finished projects are the items I will be giving away via a drawing. To sign up for the drawing, just leave a comment on this post including your real name and true email address (I need to be able to contact the winners via correct information). On Wednesday of next week, June 17, I will draw three names and will announce the winners here on the blog. So that gives you a full week to try your hand at applique as well as to spread the word about Fiskars Summer School classes and this drawing. I hope you enjoy the projects as much as I enjoyed making them!

And finally, another year, another teenager, another prom. These proms just do me in. There is so much behind the scenes work that goes into getting a teenager ready for their prom. With Alyssa, it was much easier (but far more expensive) because she is a take charge kind of girl and did everything on her own. But with John, things are different. I swear - boys are so weird. They just don't care about dances as much as girls do. I had to do everything from picking out the tuxedo (he wasn't interested in looking at the book), to buying the tickets (he almost forgot), to ordering the corsage the night before (his girlfriend reminded me), to printing out directions to the prom (once they got to dinner, they realized they didn't know how to get to the prom). Seriously... it wore me out. But the truth is, I wouldn't give it up for the world and I am well aware that my days with this child are short. And so although it wears me out and does me in, I cherish every single moment that he still allows me to participate in his life.

Following are a few of the pictures taken before the Prom. I was only able to take a handful of pictures because, again, boys are weird and they just want to get on with the show. But the pictures I took are priceless to me, and in the end, that is what matters:

One more year... I only have one more year of being a "prom mom." My hope is that my children's recollections of high school and their proms are every bit as wonderful as mine are because the best things I have done in my life are named Alyssa and John, and Prom Night for John is one more treasured memory I now have to add to the corner of my heart that is reserved for everything wonderful and special.

Memorial Day Memories and Traditions

When I was growing up, I was surrounded by extended family. I was as close to my aunts, uncles and cousins as I was to my own siblings. We did everything together because my mom had two sisters and they raised us as one, big, happy family. It was such a fun way to be raised, and it has given me hundreds upon hundreds of memories.

This old photo was one of the last pictures taken before my grandmother passed away - it shows all the gang at the beach. The cabin porch we were sitting on still stands. In fact, my mom now lives right across the street from this cabin, and the kids in the picture who were babies are now grown up and have families of their own. This weekend the baby in the picture, Luke, is staying in the cabin with his own children. His mom and dad are there too, staying in the cabin next door. It is a tradition for my entire family to gather at the beach on all holidays, and although I participated in the tradition when I lived in Washington state, I have not been to the beach on a Memorial Day for the past seventeen years. To say that I get very homesick during the holiday would be putting it mildly, especially considering that everyone is still holding fast to what has become a tradition passed down through the generations.

The good news is that this year my brother started a Memorial Day Weekend tradition of our own. It's only been a few months that I've had extended family located on the east coast near me - I still get giddy when we see each other. And so when my brother, Lon, called and asked if we would like to go to a Washington Nationals baseball game to kick off the weekend, I couldn't have been more excited. This is the first Memorial Day Weekend in seventeen years that I have spent with family. And because I am a sentimental fool, little things like this mean a lot to me.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and so without further ado, I present a pictorial recap of our weekend. We had so much fun, and for the first time in many years, I can honestly say that I am not homesick. I still miss my cousins and the gang, but it doesn't hurt quite as much when I am spending time with my brother who shares the same childhood memories.

Memorial Day Weekend in review:

We rode the metro to the ball field. Alyssa is the metro pro, so she had to help me figure out how to buy tickets for six!

After a metro ride and a mile walk, we finally arrived at the ballpark.

Here we go - it's game time!

Since Debbie and I had the cameras, we had to take pictures of ourselves!

This is the view from our seats - we had GREAT seats!

And finally, a picture my brother and me, along with a picture of Buddy kissing his girlfriend, Sophie - he loves her to excess... but she still ignores him and continues to play hard to get.

 

I still get homesick on the holidays, but I have come to discover that making my own traditions is the best way to move on. It's taken me many years to come to this realization... maybe I was holding on too tightly to the old traditions? But now that Lon and Debbie live on the east coast, things are looking up. And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter that it's taken me seventeen years to figure it out - what matters is that I've finally done so and we are now making our own memories and traditions.

Happy Memorial Day to those I love. And to my cousins at the beach: I hope you had a grand time playing in the sand, riding the bikes, eating bbq, and sitting around the campfire. You are in my thoughts this weekend - I love you and miss you.

My new love with Cover Girl products!

I've always said that I like pretty things - I enjoy surrounding myself with color of every hue, and that includes playing with make up, because make up provides an artist's palette of colors that can be blended and applied in a hundred different ways.

Alyssa has always been fascinated by make up, too. Last week, while looking for an old book, I stumbled across a little photo album that held pictures of days long gone. This one was my favorite discovery - it shows Alyssa's first make up application. She was four years old:

These days, Alyssa is much more adept at make up application. I keep asking her to show me how she does her eyes (she is a pro at blending), but she tells me that the technique is not appropriate for a middle age "mom." Harrumph. I don't appreciate being called middle age, but I do get her point, so I just keep muddling through playing with all the things I have - and believe me, I have a lot of make up!

For some women, shoe shopping is a thrill. For others, clothing shopping makes them happy. And for a lot of my friends, it's purses and handbags that make for a good shopping excursion. But for me, it's the make up. Whenever I am feeling down or blue, or even mad or frustrated, I make a beeline for the make up counter. Cosmetics are such a fun thing to shop for since there is no trying on (thus allowing me to continue to ignore those 8 extra pounds), it always fits (size never matter when looking at eyeshadow or lipstick), and make up is fun to play with once I get home.

I've got a drawer filled with the stuff, and I have yet to decide whether that means I am mad all the time, or if I just have a problem with over-buying make up. Either way, this drawer is Alyssa's favorite drawer in the house. She loves to dig though it and try each and every color. I don't often share my cosmetics, but I've been known to give a lot of them to Alyssa, knowing that she is far more skilled with application than I will ever be.

Note that most of the items in this drawer are Estee Lauder or Bobby Brown products... for you see... unknowingly, I have become a make up snob. It wasn't intentional.... it just happened. And I'm pretty sure the reason it happened is because those are the cosmetic counters that have the most visual appeal when I am on one of my make up extravaganzas.

So what does all this have to do with anything? Well, it has THIS to do about THAT - I've recently made two new cosmetic discoveries. These discoveries are so great that I need to share them with anyone who buys cosmetics - because these discoveries are not for snobs. They are for the everyday girl who just wants to pretty herself up a bit. They are for the girl who is on a budget. They are for the girl who buys her make up at Rite Aid and Target and Walmart. These products are inexpensive, but oh-so-wonderful. These products are for everyone!

How did I find out about these Cover Girl wonders?  Not from shopping, but rather from my other addiction that is known as reality television. Specifically, America's Next Top Model. The show is sponsored by Cover Girl, and last week the models made their season finale Cover Girl commercial (they do this with the end of each cycle, so I've seen my share of Cover Girl products on the show). Last year, they promoted Lash Blast Mascara - THE BEST MASCARA I have ever used, bar none. I love Lash Blast and I will never buy another brand - it was the first drug store cosmetic I had purchased in over fifteen years, and I'm here to say that this is not the Cover Girl product we knew from high school. This is high-end, fabulous, equal to the big names cosmetics.

And so it was that last week I saw another new Cover Girl product unveiled. This time it was a lipstain - NOT to be confused with lipstick, because this lipstain is nothing like lip stick. Yesterday, I put the Outlast Lipstain on at noon. I also applied C.O.Bigelow Menta Lip Shine numerous times throughout the day because I have an obsession with the stuff. The Mentha Shine covered the lipstain, but did not lift it or lighten it. At 5:00 last night, my lips were still stained from just one application at noon! Happy, happy, joy, joy! I don't like lipstick all that much because it always seems to feel gooey on my lips - but with the lipstain... it didn't budge.... not on my teeth... not on the tube of Mentha Shine... and not on my coffee cup or soda can. And the best news was that it didn't feel gooey in the least. I couldn't even tell I had it on. This stuff is a miracle.

Really, I'm just a girl doing the things that girls do: I raise my kids, I tend the dogs, I manage the house, I sew when I find time, I read books and watch t.v. as mindless escape.... and all the while, I want to feel pretty, because as my mom always told me, "Pretty is, is pretty does." And my belief is that pretty comes from the inside out - and if we can find something that works on the outside, it really does help us feel prettier on the inside.

Cover Girl... my new favorite cosmetic company!

Alyssa is home from college, and my heart is singing with joy.

Here is what I saw when I walked into Alyssa's dorm room for the last time of her freshman year:

My first thought was, "hey, she makes her bed!" My second thought was, "WOW! She really did like that rag quilt I made her last summer." And my final thought was, "I'm so glad I surprised her with the gift of the teddy bear and pillow case on Valentines Day - I think she liked the gifts." It made me appreciate that no matter how far away from home she is - she still treasures the small touches that I've made a part of her life for so many years. As a mother, this warmed my heart.

And now... tonight she is home. Her freshman year is complete - she survived, she thrived, and she passed her classes -what more can a mother ask for? She did it on her own with her own determination and self reliance, and I am so very proud of her! Can you hear my heart sing? Can you see me smile? Because that is what I am doing - singing and smiling to the point of wanting to break out in song and dance (I'll wait until everyone goes to bed before I start my happy dance... but, believe me... it's on the agenda before this night is through!). But right now, at this moment in time, I am just enjoying having her home. Talk to me in three months, and I may be singing a different tune, but for now, I'm singing songs of celebration and joy.

After she went to bed tonight (*sigh* all is well in my world knowing that she is tucked in snug under my roof), I wrote on our white board for her to see in the morning:

In the grand scheme of things, it may not be much at all. But in the tradition of our home, it is a really big deal to have the entire white board dedicated to a personal message. I just hope she knows how much it means to all of us to have her home, because I, for one, will go to sleep for the first time in months with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

I love her... unconditionally, and with every fiber of my being. I'm so happy to say that this mother-love is one of the never-ending constants in my life. And to be completely honest, I find that comforting... it's always there, it never changes, and it is forever a part of who I am.

I like comfort! And so tonight I sing, "Yay and hooray! She's home!"

Weathering the storm, but there was a break in the clouds.

 

This is the gift John gave me on Mother's Day. It is a poem he wrote a few months ago (thus, the original tear-out sheet from his personal notebook). I cried when I read the words, taped to a card he made just for me, because what he offered was more than a gift... it was a glimmer of hope, and it tells me that he is looking beyond his own problems and that he is aware of the mistakes he's made. And so although we are still weathering the storm, for a moment I saw a break in the clouds.

Dear Mom, I don't know why you cry
so many times, so I ask you why.

When I look into your eyes
it's then I see all those tears fell over me
for your fear of losing me.

Mom, I gotta tell the truth,
my love for you goes through the roof.

But you raised me to be a man.
Against all odds, I can tell you that I am.

A few weeks ago, my mom offered some wise advice: she told me that in spite of the difficulties we are having with John, it is important for me to not let those problems consume my every waking hour - because if I were to do that, I would 1) lose myself and begin to resent my son, and 2) give John power to control my life... both things I do not want to see happen. My mom's advice was accompanied with the gentle walking suggestion (which I listened to loud and clear and implemented immediately).

And so in keeping with the theory, "Mother knows best," I decided that I wanted to surround myself with flowers this summer. Flowers are happy things. Flowers are pretty things. Flowers represent growth and beauty. Flowers are good!

Planting flowers sounds simple enough. But for a girl who doesn't enjoy gardening and who would prefer to read a book rather than dig in the dirt, surrounding myself with flowers has become quite a project. The solution to my "I hate gardening" hang up was to use clay pots and plant flowers that could be placed on my deck... the very place where I read my books! It was a win-win all the way around.

When I told Jeff about my flower project, the first thing he did was go out and buy me two hibiscus trees (or are those bushes? I have no clue... because... well... I don't garden). The only thing I know about hibiscus plants is that hummingbirds love them. And although I don't like birds, I do like hummingbirds because they are so delicate.

 

So far, no hummingbirds. But to entice them, Jeff gave me this for Mother's Day:

After we were set up with the hibiscus plants, we ventured to Home Depot to check out the garden center (a place I am not very familiar with). Here are the flowers we decided to plant - we used clay pots that I had stored under our deck, and we recycled the potting soil that Alyssa used last year.

And finally, because I take everything my mom says as the gospel truth, I thought that biking would be a fun thing to do during the summer months. Yesterday, Jeff gave my bicycle a good scrub and a tune up. Here I am taking it for a quick spin before gearing up for our first ride of the season:

I've got to hand it to my mom - she really does know best! And although we are still weathering the storm, following her advice has allowed me to step away from the storm for a few moments at a time, and that has helped me regroup and find a sense of balance.

When all is said and done, sometimes a break in the clouds is just enough to help see us through life's difficult moments. And flowers... flowers make everything better!

PSA for parents of pre-teens and teens - my personal experience

Pre-post note: This is a very serious subject, and my hope is that if even one person who reads this entry learns something new, my mistakes will not be in vain. And because I take this so seriously, I share no photos today, as to not detract from what I have to share. I pray that there are no judgments passed and that this entry is read with the sincere intent in which it is shared.

Court update in a nutshell: Today John had a court appearance to be arraigned for a misdemeanor crime committed by a minor. He now faces trial on June 1st. The judge appointed him a court ordered attorney; she entered a not-guilty plea, in spite of the fact that John told her he was guilty of possession of marijuana. So we take it from here.

A personal note: A sincere and heartfelt thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all of the kind thoughts and prayers that have been said in our behalf. And a special thank you to Heather for texting me while I was waiting in the courtroom hallway close to hysterics, pacing back and forth for two full hours. Heather, I do so love you! Thank you for being my special BFF - you give me so much more than I will ever be able to reciprocate, and for that, I know I am blessed beyond measure.

And more special thank yous to every single person who took precious time out of their busy lives to comment on my last blog entry - you shared your hearts with me, and I was comforted by your words of kindness and support. I read each and every word and was uplifted and encouraged by everything you shared. Your words offered peace in a time of great need, and although I have not responded to your individual messages, I hold them dear to my heart... please know that when you shared your words, you lifted my spirits and gave me much needed courage.

The specifics in more detail: The judge talked to John about how serious the punishment would be if he pleads guilty: fine, community service, possible time served in juvenile detention center, potential expulsion from school, and loss of driver's license. John is prepared to pay the fine; he knows he will have to do community service. The detention center thing sort of blew his mind and scared the bejeevers out of him, as did the expulsion from school. But since John DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HIS DRIVERS PERMIT, let alone a driver's license - that part doesn't faze him. But the judge didn't want him to accept the [potential of] a full penalty without representation of an attorney - which will cost us a freaking fortune - so she entered the not-guilty plea and ordered a trial. Jeff is furious. I'm just sad. John is pretty quiet about it, but I've not really had a chance to talk with him since she gave her ruling. One of the kids who were involved in this whole mess (the driver of the car) didn't even show up! The cop was a no-show, too, and we are wondering if that may have something to do with her ruling?????

My observations after living this nightmare: I write this as the mother of a 17 and 18 year old, and I share my story as my own way of putting it out there by offering a public service announcement in regard to teenagers today, because to be very honest, these are things I did not know until recently. These practices apply to middle school, high school, and college age children, who are our leaders of tomorrow, and our hope for the future. I had no idea these things were happening until this week, and thus, I believe that other parents may be as clueless as I was until my world fell apart. So here you go - my personal experience in all its gory details.

I preface the following by saying emphatically, "Good kids make bad choices. And, although bad choices are often part of growing up, parents need to be aware of the potential mistakes that can be made - whether it be due to peer pressure, depression, spur of the moment decisions, or just plain rite of passage." When we are talking about our own children, ignorance is not bliss. Education is, therefore, the key.

In the last week, I have learned that it is very common for kids to put the alcohol in everyday, common containers and take those common containers to school and to public places. Examples: vodka goes in a water bottle because it is clear, Kahlua goes in a to-go coffee cup because it looks like coffee, and the cool thing known as "puckers" (these are the vibrant colored liquors that are watered down) go in Gatorade bottles because it looks like a sports drink. The kids then openly carry these containers at school, at the mall, at the movie theaters, etc., enabling them to drink alcohol throughout the day. Rarely are they caught because they pass the containers around and they hide them in their backpacks and their purses; often they even don't try to hide them... but rather carry them proudly out in the open as a way to look cool, be cool, and get a buzz. However, the truth is that the kids are drinking these beverages boldly in the hallways of the school, in the public areas of the mall, and in plain sight elsewhere, because the containers actually look like everyday beverages and no one suspects otherwise. This is a BIG problem and it is becoming a very common practice among middle school, high school, and college age students. I had no idea. Now I know. But still... it takes me by surprise.

John's crime was in relation to possession of marijuana. However, the kids he was with when committing this crime were busted for possession of alcohol (vodka in a water bottle tucked inside a girl's purse), and I sincerely believe chances are that when there is one illegal substance, there will be others, and that all illegal substances can lead to a road of [potential] destruction. The kids who smoke pot most certainly hang with the kids who drink. And to believe that one activity is exclusive of the other is equal to hiding a head in the sand. As a parent of two teens, I refuse to hide my head in the sand. My eyes are wide open, and now I have to figure out what to do with this information... and believe me, it's not easy, because this is out of my realm of experience. I'm sort of grasping at straws with this new-found information.

And so I am sharing these things, not to air my dirty laundry, but because today weighs heavy on my mind as I spent an entire morning - 4 long hours - in court with my 17-year-old son who was busted for possession of an illegal substance in January. As I said, today he pleaded guilty, but the judge did not accept his plea and she administered a NOT guilty plea... and so the kicker is that with an impending trial, this is just the beginning of a bad choice that John made back in January.

Trying to do the right thing when this happened, I did punish my son - I didn't allow him to test for his learner's permit, and he lost all "freedom" privileges, including having friends over, going to friends houses and dating. He also lost all source of income from me - I now give him ZERO money. He also has to undergo random drug and alcohol testing administered by me  - via an Rx from his doctor that I requested by phone. Note that anyone can make this request, so if you have suspicions, make the request - be prepared, because to it is much better to be safe than sorry. I wish that I would have done this last year when my gut told me that "something" was off.

Anyway... I digress... that was it as far as punishment at home - those punishments seemed appropriate at that time, since he was home-bound and unable to attend high school due to his illness, and since the random drug testing now hangs over his head and is in his face every single day since he never knows when I am going to stop at the lab and have him pee in a cup (and I have done so... so these are not empty threats) - so in my mind, the punishment fit the crime; he is broke, he is without driving privileges, he has lost my trust, and he is still stressing because these things are only the beginning of his consequences.

Today, the punishment continued in that he had to spend the morning in court. He was so nervous that he was shaking. He chose to wear dress clothes with a tie as a show of respect for the court (his idea, not mine). And he took his earring out so that the judge would not form an opinion based upon his appearance (again, his idea, not mine). And still, the result of his poor decision now means that he has to go to trial - which is even more punishment all these months after the fact - all this for "possession" (he did test clean when the cops caught him - so he just had it in his possession... but that is still a misdemeanor).

And so when all is said and done, his punishment will be even more than ever imagined because he will have a fine to pay, perform community service, worry about possible expulsion from school, and there is a slim chance that he will have to spend time sleeping in a juvenile detention center. Additionally, he won't be able to get his driver's license for 6 months after he applies. So by the time he is finally able to drive, he will be well over 18 years old.

My take on this: his mistake, his consequence. My prayer is that this will be a life lesson, because if I allow myself to think otherwise, I will fall apart, so I am holding tight to the consequences for actions theory. Am I mean? Possibly. But it is the only way I know how to approach this living nightmare.

One thing that seemed to be very effective in John's situation was when he witnessed me crying. I told him that I loved him unconditionally and that I understood that mistakes are made - but at the same time, I told him how very disappointed I was that he had chosen to make such a serious mistake. I then informed him that he had to earn back my trust and that it would take a lot of effort on his part for me to be able to trust him again. In turn, he cried, apologized, and toed the line (for how long... that is yet to be seen - because, to be very honest, I am extremely skeptical at this stage of the game).

John knows that I truly believe that good kids can make bad choices, and that I will always love him through thick and thin. But he also knows that, although I do not look at this as the end of the world, it most certainly dictates how the rest of his teen and high school years are going to be: court appearances, possibility of expulsion, community service, fines, loss of license, lack of trust, piss tests, and on and on it goes.

If one were to talk to my son tonight, he would probably admit that it is just not worth it. But the question remains: will he still feel this way the next time temptation arises? Will he still consider consequences when actions at that moment in time sound so intriguing?

I think that temptations today are far more than we, as parents, ever faced. I also think that through the ages (even back in my time, which seems like 100 years ago) the problem with teens is that they never believe it will happen to them... they think they are immune to getting caught; invincible... they honestly believe they are invincible. And because of these natural teenage beliefs, there is just one single thing I hope comes of this mess: I want John to realize that NO ONE... NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON is immune to temptation, and it takes a courageous person to stand up and say no. When it comes to invincibility - saying no is the only way to assure that getting caught is not an option.

Lesson learned? Only time will tell.

In the Trenches

I love him unconditionally. In fact, I even like him! He's charming and fun and totally entertaining. However, this kid is giving me gray hair - and that, I do not like. Note to self: make an appointment for a root touch up immediately. Who needs premature gray? Not me. I'm too vain.

Needless to say, my youngest child is once again in crisis, although this picture does not indicate such - he's a good faker and he can put on a happy face when the situation requires it to be necessary. The picture was taken on his 17th birthday, so clearly, he experienced a moment or two of happiness.

However, the real truth is that he is hurting and he is struggling to the point of daily panic attacks that are full blown with breathing problems, hyperventilation and body quakes - not pretty. The recent crisis is caused by a sudden reality check that portrays his world as crashing down around him. And he is finally recognizing the consequences of his past actions are a direct result of his own poor decisions and choices. He has a court date for drug possession on April 24. In the meantime, his drug test came back positive. He is flunking his classes and he may need to repeat all of his junior year in high school. This week, he was so angry that he crashed through his bedroom door and busted out the entire frame, thus damaging my house in a way that will require much repair and several hundred dollars... the door is fine... the frame and the walls are trashed... shattered... splintered... and damaged beyond a quick repair.

In the daily life of a 17 year old - these things are HUGE, and they are a wake up call as to what real life is all about. And in the meantime, he is not handling the realities well. He's experiencing daily panic attacks, a severe lack of self confidence, isolation from his friends, and an overall sense of helplessness. I'd like to say, "welcome to adulthood," but in this instance, that would be totally inappropriate considering that he is still fighting his autoimmune disease and he is still in need of weekly infusions that require 4 hours of needles hooked up to his belly as gamma globulin flows into his body. He's fighting his health care every step of the way, and it is not fun, and certainly not something a "normal" teen should have to deal with. So, in a way, I understand where his anger and frustration come from. But still, it does not give him a free pass to give up on life and rebel at every turn.

I'm not offering these observations as an excuse, because John is 17 years old and he is now of an age where he must deal with the consequences of his actions. However, it is all too much at one time. Isn't that the way life is? All or nothing? I never have understood why things happen this way. And for the mother of troubled child, the result is gray hair and many nights of stress and worry. I am beside myself with feelings of failure and lack of the skills to help a child in need of so much more than I am qualified to give. So I give love. And more love. And even more love. But I'm also mad, and that is where the feelings of guilt come into play.

Clearly, I'm in over my head as to how to deal with these problems. I do the best I can, and yet my heart aches all along the way. I am well aware that my time is ever drawing near when I will no longer be able to control John's medical treatments, nor will I be able to solve his problems (okay... admittedly, that day has long since passed, however, I still like to think that I can help him out once in a while). And, thus, my reality is that I am deep in the trenches and I am doing everything I can to survive this battle.

Anyway... that's where I've been. My absence has had nothing to do with my personal surgery... the surgery went relatively well and I've not heard back regarding the pathology reports, which in my mind means no cervical cancer cells, so all is well in that regard. The recovery took longer than expected, but I'm a slow recovery person, so the side effects of illness and discomfort were not a surprise. By about day seven, I was on the mend. Thank goodness, because, honestly, I don't have time to think about it. I've got my hands full with this child and that is about all I can handle at this moment in time.

Overwhelmed. That's putting it mildly. I'm in so far over my head that I don't know where to turn. So I pray. And I pray some more. And all the while, I hope for answers as I continue to trust in God. Last week, I received an answer to prayers in an unexpected form: a neighbor showed up at my door asking me to walk with her. Well, at the time, I was emotionally in a really bad place, so I declined the walk. But she stayed and lent a listening ear. In the end, I poured my heart out to her and I felt so much better for facing my fears and being totally honest with Suzanne about my shortcomings and my fears. She was an angel in disguise, and for that, I was blessed.

After she left, I realized that my prayers were being answered in an unexpected way: all this month, Jeff has been asking me to walk with him and our dog Buddy. He thinks I need more exercise and that I need fresh air to clear my head. Also, my Mom has been mentioning walks a lot - along the same lines as Jeff... fresh air, clear my head, exercise, getting out of the house, etc.

So the next day, when Jeff once again asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with him and Buddy, I surprised him by agreeing to do so.  We walked. And walked. And walked. Jeff is a fast walker, but he slowed down enough for me to keep up. We had a nice walk. And it was good to get out in the fresh air and clear my head. The exercise was nice, too, because, as most people know, I get ZERO exercise (sewing and crafting do not count as exercise). And even though my weight is holding steady at 121-122, my body shape is getting really flabby and I've sized up in my clothes. NOT GOOD! I'm short, and I don't want to be short AND fat. Short is bad enough.

So I guess it was a sign from those who love me (and from God) - all these people saying, "walk, Kelly, walk." I' ve since walked for an entire week. Walking with Jeff is pleasant - and I only have one rule: no hand holding. I'm sorry... but when I see people walking their dogs and holding hands at the same time it makes me wonder how the heck they keep their balance. It's not a midnight stroll, for crying out loud... it's a walk with the dog and for exercise. So no hand holding allowed. Jeff thought it was a funny rule, but he agreed to abide by my request since the goal was to get me off my butt and not to turn the ordeal into a date. Later, when I tripped on the sidewalk, he realized that my hand holding rule was a good rule to follow! Note that I've since tripped at least once every single day that we have walked. Jeff is now laughing about my rule, and I think he appreciates that I brought it up in the first place!

After a full week of walking, my legs are sore and my body is aching, but my mind is clear and I am in a better place than I've been in months. Good thing - since the door incident happened just this week and who knows how I would have handled it if I were still in my dark place with feelings of parenting failure and lack of faith in how to proceed.

In other news:


PURE HAPPINESS!


My sorority girl at a Chi Omega Alumni sponsored luncheon (Alyssa is standing in the back row - center girl wearing a salmon colored blouse). She is doing so well at GMU, which, in turn, makes me realize that I must have done something right at one point in time. Whew. Another blessing!

I titled this entry "In the Trenches" and I know that I am not the only parent of teens who feels this way. Some days are more than I can bear to think about, and other days I find myself holding on by my fingernails. But when all is said and done, I will forever love my children unconditionally, and I will never stop believing in them... thus, I will continue to hold on, even if it means slipping once in a while, because as long as I don't let go, I am not losing the battle.

However, this parenting thing is far more challenging that I ever dreamed possible, but it has also helped me build character in ways that I never knew I was capable of... because, really, who wouldn't have to swallow all of their pride and  still stand tall when escorting their wayward child to a court appearance and a mandatory drug test? I have eaten more humble pie this past year than I thought was possible... and yet, I'm still standing. I'm in the trenches... but I'm still standing. And at the end of the day, that, in and of itself, is a blessing.

Honorary Mother (it was a Crafting Emergency)

Last Thursday night, I received a text message from Alyssa. She asked me if I would be available on Friday. I told her that I was going to spend the day shopping for John's birthday gifts, and then I asked her what she needed. She text'd me back and said that she may have to call me with some "sewing" questions.

After what I considered to be an excessive number of text messages, I concluded that Alyssa's sorority had what could only be termed as a Crafting Emergency! (Why do these kids not pick up the phone and actually call people? This multiple text thing does me in - I am slow as molasses when it comes to texting on my phone and it was like pulling teeth to get the following information - so what could have been discussed in ten minutes ended up taking a full hour of text messaging to get the full story).

Following is what I would call typical of how most teenagers work - this is the summation of 100 text messages and how the Chi Omega Crafting Emergency was handled:

Alyssa was involved in this "secret" thing with her sorority. But I knew what it is because she had told me a bit about it during spring break - the sorority was participating in a Greek Sing competition that sounded similar to a variety show competition between all the sororities and the fraternities. Secret to everyone but me, I guess????

 

They needed 17 skirts made by Saturday, which was less than 36 hours from the original text message... as in 2 days. These skirts were their costumes, so they were an integral part of the show - the show that Chi-O has won four years in a row and that they were hoping to win again because of PRIDE.

 

They had 1 sewing machine. They couldn't start sewing until 4:00 Friday afternoon because they all had classes and work.

 

After the back and forth text messages, Alyssa finally asked me if I could bring her sewing machine to campus on Friday afternoon. Once I found out what they needed to do in such a short amount of time, I asked her if she wanted my help. She said yes, they need my help (I think this is why she began the text marathon in the first place).

 

So the plan was that I would drive out to GMU on Friday with three more machines, and I would help them set up sewing stations so that they could make 17 skirts in one night.

 

Oh, and did I mention that they did't have a pattern?
And that only 1 person knew how to sew?
And they only had black thread.
Oh... and no scissors... NONE.
And fabric... they didn't think they had enough.

 

Oiy. I had a feeling I was going to have a very late Friday night with the sorority girls.

 

Also, during this text marathon, Alyssa mentioned that her entire sorority wanted to order custom made Greek letter tee-shirts from me. I told her that I could do that, but that we needed get the skirts done first. Seriously - these girls have no sense of urgency at all. It makes me laugh at the innocence and lack of reality for our youth.

 

This whole thing was just SO ALYSSA! What a joke. They didn't even think about this part of their show until the night before the performance. These teenagers just sleigh me - they are so disorganized. They wait till the last minute for everything. And even though Alyssa will be nineteen years old this year, this is the one thing that I will never understand about teenagers. It begins when they enter middle school, and clearly, it continues during their college years. I think it is a very good thing that Alyssa is away at college and that I no longer have to witness these crisis on a daily basis. I rarely have patience for lack of planning. But in this case, I felt sorry for the girls, so I put on my SuperMom Cape and off I went.

When I arrived at GMU, the Crafting Emergency had reached Red Alert status. The girls were in full panic mode. No one knew what they were doing and they looked like pretty little deer with headlights shining in their eyes.

So keeping that in mind, here is how it went:

I am worn out. I can't tell you how much this project stressed me because I wanted to do right by these girls. My main goal was to guide them and direct them, but NOT to take over the project - it was their thing and I was only there to offer guidance. But these poor girls had no clue. And had I not thought to toss in my rotary cutter and self-healing mat, there is no way they would have had enough fabric. As it was, I figured out how to do away with a hem by using the selvage as the hem line. This was a good thing because it meant no hemming stitch, which was good due to the time crunch and their lack of sewing experience (and that ungodly looking black thread they used on the pastel fabrics).

I spent 5 hours unjamming machines, setting up, and directing stations. Without the stations, we would have been lost. But once I suggested "stations" they looked so relieved. They seriously had no idea where to begin and it became apparent that they were hoping that I could solve this problem for them. In the end, I had them set up the following stations and we were able to complete 17 skirts in five hours:

1. cutting  - one girl, since I only had one rotary cutter and they didn't have enough fabric
2. side seams - two machines/two girls
3. ironing the seams and making the casing for the elastic  - two girls/two ironing boards because I thought to bring extra
4. sewing the casing seams (this was a fiasco and the seams were very wobbly, but they were good enough) - two machines/two girls
5. threading the elastic - one girl because of the measurement issue (matching skirt color to each girl's measurements)
6. sewing the elastic together and closing the seams - me
7. ironing the finished skirts and logging them into their tracking system - one girl (again, matching skirt color to girl's measurements)

They hoped to have a waistband on these skirts. But with the shortage of fabric, the only way we could make them was with elastic. So one of the girls had to run to WalMart to buy elastic. Thank God she did that. I don't know what we would have done without that option. They had 1.5 yards of fabric for every two skirts... not very much fabric to work with.

 

I only saw Alyssa for 20 minutes the entire time I was there because she was not on the "costume committee". Sadness. But I got to work with the junior and senior girls, and that was really interesting and actually quite fun! They were very gracious and so appreciative. Also, they were SO GROWN UP! What a difference 4 years of college makes. Their conversations were mature and enlightening. I sincerely had a great time and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I am so glad to have had the opportunity to get to know the girls whom Alyssa is mentoring with - their example is wonderful and their morals and ethics seem to be in-line with "the good people of society." I feel blessed to have been able to witness this first hand.

Sadly, after all this work, Chi Omega did not win the competition. Alyssa said everyone was bawling when it was over - they were that upset. My heart is heavy for these girls. They worked so hard to win Greek Sing. But, based upon the pictures shown at the beginning of this entry, I'm guessing they were far and above the cutest girls in the competition. The costumes turned out adorable. And their hair looked amazing (they all slept on sponge curlers the night before the competition).

Many years ago, my mother told me that parenting never ends. She said that it evolves and changes over the years, but that when all is said and done, a mom is a mom and the child will always turn to the mom in times of need, even when that child becomes an adult. A Crafting Emergency may not be a real life crisis, but in Alyssa's world, it was a crisis of epic proportions. I am so thankful that she is still child enough to want her mother's help when things go wrong. It was fun to be the hororary mother to an entire sorority during this crisis... even if it only meant sitting down at the sewing machine and helping them make 17 skirts.

Tough love - not for wimps... and I am not a wimp!

I hate drugs. I despise them with every fiber of my being. And, as many people know, this is a sensitive issue for me because I have witnessed first-hand a life of destruction as my brother has struggled with drug abuse for over thirty years. And because of this, I have always been paranoid that something similar would happen to my own children - it is my one great fear in life. And so due to my paranoia, I've been very diligent in parenting my teens - I go overboard when it comes to keeping track of who they are with and what they are doing. They hate it... but I do it anyway. But now we've reached the point where John is almost 17 years old and I can no longer watch over him 24/7. Thus, there is no way know what he is doing at all times. I wish I could continue to shelter him and keep him out of harms way... but I can't. Which leads me to this entry.

Many people have wondered why I have been so quiet lately. I've shrugged it off by telling people that I just don't feel well, blaming my current health issues. But there is more to it than that. What people don't know is that I have remained silent about what is really going - the behind the scenes stuff that is happening in my home... the things I have not shared... not until today. However, because I feel very strongly about this subject, I have decided to be forthcoming with my family and friends because 1) I don't like secret keeping, 2) sometimes good kids make bad choices and there is no shame in that, and 3) as parents we do the best we can with the tools we have and often, even that is not enough. My prayer is that this wrong will be made right and that those who read this entry will not pass judgment - because the truth of the matter is: every situation is unique, and although John is a normal teenager with normal problems, he is also a teenager with a disease which dictates much of how I approach problems with this child. With some problems, my approach is full force with guns blazing. But with other problems, I tread lightly because I am dealing with a teenager who is fragile both physically and emotionally. It's a very fine line I walk each day, and even though I make mistakes along the way, I try to correct them the best I know how.

John is my kid who is easy to love. He isn't shy about hugging me or telling me thank you. And every single day he says, "I love you, Mom," as he kisses me on the cheek and goes about his merry way. Seriously, it is difficult not to love a boy who shows such open love for his mother. And it is also difficult to get mad at a person who is so gentle and caring.

But John is also my child who does everything he can to test my patience as he pushes all limits trying to define his personal self. Currently, he is flunking his classes - and he doesn't even care because he claims that he is making a statement about what a waste of time homework is. His thought process is that if he passes the tests, then that should be proof enough that he is learning something in the class. And his latest declaration is that he is not going to compromise his integrity by bowing to authority. What the heck? Where does he come up with this stuff? Does he not realize that he is possibly throwing away future opportunities because he refuses to "compromise his integrity?" Good grief. Where did I go wrong?

Sadly, we think there is more to this latest rebellion streak. Last week, his therapist called me into her office for an emergency meeting. After discussing John's attitude and his current lack of desire, we put our heads together and concluded that drugs may possibly be involved. In the meantime, I also received calls from his teachers informing me that he is failing his classes and that he seems to have "checked out" when it comes to putting forth effort in the classroom. They told me that he has a bad attitude and that he is unwilling to discuss his grades with them.

I won't deny that this did not come as a surprise, although I thought we had put it behind us after John was caught with possession of marijuana last January (caught by the police... not by me). At that time, John made a big production about throwing away his drug paraphernalia and he promised to shape up. His punishment for breaking the house rules AND BREAKING THE LAW was removal of freedom privileges, as well as no testing for his driver's license. And he seemed clean for a while... he was clear headed, he was putting forth great effort in his school work, and his attitude was positive.

Until now. And now is where I'm at. The time has come for the tough love approach. So after much consideration and contemplation, I decided to call his doctor to discuss this problem. First of all, John takes numerous prescription medications, and drug abuse could seriously compromise the usefulness of those meds. Additionally, adding street drugs to the mix could potentially be lethal. Therefore, I'm dealing with a situation that is [potentially] more than casual drug abuse. I had no choice. I had to tell his doctor. Not a fun conversation. In fact, I felt like a failure as I explained the situation. But right now, it's not about me. It's about saving this child, which means I have swallow my pride and admit that something went wrong. That's not to say that *I* did something wrong... because I don't know that I have. But SOMETHING went wrong. Therefore, I must take the blame for letting this happen regardless of where the fault lies (and I truly believe the fault lies in the availability of street drugs and the secrecy that surrounds this problem - if more people would talk about it, and if as a society we would work together to fight this battle, I think parents would be better prepared when the problem lands smack-dab in their lap. But because there is so much shame associated with drug abuse, we don't talk about it - we don't want to eat the humble pie that says, "my child is not perfect." Instead, we hang our heads in shame and suffer silently, hoping to quietly solve the problem, without knowing exactly how to do so. But if we, as parents, would put our heads together to discuss why our good kids have made bad choices, I sincerely believe we would be better prepared to fight this battle).

After speaking with John's doctor, it was decided that a drug test was absolutely necessary and that said test had to be administered without John's knowledge. Therefore, my job was to "trick" John into taking what is commonly known to teenagers as a piss test. Note that tricking my kids goes against everything I believe in when it comes to parenting. But, like I said, the time for tough love is now, and tough love is not for wimps. I CANNOT BE A WIMP - not now. I have to be strong, and tough, and even mean. SIGH. I can do this. And I did. I took John to the lab and told him to pee in a cup. He pretty much figured out what was going on... he turned to me and said, "it's a good thing I'm clean." Great, big, giant sigh. Maybe he is clean. Maybe we are all being paranoid. And maybe John is just a rebellious soul who is trying to fit in by being troublesome. Maybe... maybe not.

Either way, today I'm on pins and needles as I await the results of this drug test. And if the test is positive - I don't know what I will do. Is my next step house arrest? Do I dare put a child who has been home-bound from high school for five months back in a situation where he is not allowed to be with his peers? Because, really... what will that teach him? He will suffer in solitude and he also won't be allowed to clean up his act by making good choices because I will have removed the option of choices altogether. I don't necessarily know if that will help, other than to make him feel more isolated and become even more rebellious (my fear is that he will run away!).

John will turn seventeen on Sunday. He absolutely must take responsibility for his actions, but I'm not certain that house arrest is the answer. He's already pretty removed from society, which is probably why he turned to drugs in the first place. I don't know. I don't have answers. The only thing I am sure of is that I love this child with every fiber of my being and I will continue to do the best I can with the tools I have, and right now, my tool is mandatory drug testing. From there... I just don't know.

And so there it is: "the rest of the story." My life is currently consumed with raising this child. It requires every ounce of energy I have. I'm emotionally worn out, which is why I've been absent from the world. Next week I will have surgery to correct the health problems my body has foisted upon me. I've opted for a day surgery rather than a full hysterectomy because, as I told the doctor, "I need 18 more months to finish what I have started with raising this child. I cannot afford a six week recovery period." Therefore, we are buying time with the removal of the growths only, praying that they don't test positive for cancer. Hopefully, this surgery will accomplish what it is supposed to do (cease the hemorrhaging), and I will then be able to focus 100% on the task at hand, which is to love this child through thick and thin, as I continue to instill the lessons of making wise choices and the consequences that occur when mistakes are made. Because the truth of the matter is: sometimes, good kids make bad choices. But when all is said and done, it is not the bad choice that matters, but the lesson that is learned from the experience.

Tough love... it is not for wimps.

It was a little something, but it was wonderful!

I took Alyssa back to the university yesterday. It was very difficult to say good-bye this time because we had such a nice visit during her Spring Break. And I just have to say it again: What a difference a year makes! She is so grown up and mature after being in college for only seven months. Through the years, I have often questioned whether my parenting abilities would be enough to send her off on her own. Now I know... I must have done something right. Whew. What a relief. Next comes John... and I am still worrying and fretting over the same things. I only hope that he takes to college as well as Alyssa has. I've still got eighteen months to get it right with him - and to be honest, I've got my work cut out.

While Alyssa was home, we decided to do a little something different: we took a road trip to Pennsylvania. We'd not yet seen Lon and Debbie's new house and we used that as our excuse to justify the trip. But the real reason we went to Pennsylvania was to celebrate Debbie's birthday and to celebrate Casey's recent achievements in the world of skiing. He's had a such great year and will be competing in the Junior Olympics next month.

Because they are always skiing on the weekends, we haven't seen them since Thanksgiving. But thanks to Debbie, we've followed Casey's success from afar, which is almost as good as being there. These pictures are of my brother, Lon, and Casey practicing the race course. I absolutely love the picture that shows Casey edging ahead of his dad!

I'm still getting used to the idea of having family members close enough that an airplane is not the required mode of transportation. This was the first time in almost twenty years that I have been able to get in a car and drive to see family - what a treat that is. Considering that we aren't used to road trips, Alyssa and I were pleased to discover that we didn't mind the drive at all. In fact, we timed it by the number of CD's required (three, to be exact). We turned up the tunes and I sang while she hummed (she is not one to sing out loud) for the entire two and a half hours it took to get there. I think we must have had a silent no talking aloud policy going on, because the only time we actually gabbed was when we had to pay the tolls and figure out directions. Before we left, Alyssa declared herself the official Navigation System and banker for this trip. She even used her "Navigation System" voice, which will always be one of my favorite memories of her Spring Break.

Speaking of memories, Alyssa and Debbie flunk the test of photo memories because neither one would allow me to take pictures of them. So, no cake pictures, no group pictures, no pictures of the girls at all (I'm still pouting). Thanks to Casey, I was able to take a few pictures that actually show people in the image. And, technically, I do have a picture of Debbie - she's in the photo shown below... she was trying to hide from me:

While there, Alyssa and I both commented that the beds at Lon and Debbie's house are The Most Comfortable Beds on earth... even better than the Hyatt or the Hilton! This is a good thing for those who visit Lon and Deb, but now that I am aware of this well-kept secret, they may have a difficult time getting rid of us the next time we visit. Seriously, Debbie's beds are heavenly.

And as heavenly as the beds are, the guest bathroom was heavenly as well:

Check out that faucet in the bathtub. I won't admit how long it took me to figure it out... but know this: it was almost noon by the time I got out of that tub. Oiy. When I talked to my mom after we got home, I told her that when she visits Lon and Deb, she will need to call me from the bathroom so that I can walk her through the process of turning on the water. After I sent her the pictures, she agreed that she would definitely need help with the faucet.

And now Alyssa is back at school. I think she enjoyed her Spring Break - we managed to complete most of the things she had on her list, and she seemed happy and relaxed as she packed up the car to head back to college.

That's the thing about Spring Break - kids just want to do "something", and over the years I've come to conclude that the little somethings can be just as nice as the big somethings, because a little something can always be made into a big something when approached with the right attitude and a sense of adventure, which is exactly what we did when we decided to take our road trip.

A special thank you to Debbie and Casey for indulging us in our sense of adventure. We can't wait to see you again... and sleep in the beds... and re-test the bathtub... and hang out in your family room wrapped up in blankets... and eat your fruit... and maybe even take a picture or two??? You helped make Alyssa's Spring Break special, and for that, we thank you.

Tee-shirt applique - a how to pictorial instruction guide

Before Alyssa's Spring Break began, she started a list of things she wanted to do while she was home from college. The number one item on her list was to sew the Greek letters of her sorority onto tee-shirts. Knowing that there are a lot of "rules" that go with being in a sorority, I asked her to make sure that it was not "illegal" for us to make our own letters. She promptly followed through and was told that we could make our own Chi-Omega letters, but the letters had to be identical to those that were used for official sorority business and activities. Once she received the go-ahead, she was gung-ho to begin this project.

As the person who would be designing and sewing the letters, I felt a lot of pressure to not screw this up. First of all, I've never appliqued on tee shirts before. I've made tee-shirts back in the days when I used my serger to sew clothing for my kids - but I've never embellished the tee shirts using the applique method, and because tee-shirt material is very stretchy and loose, I was concerned with how to go about this project without messing it up. I also didn't want to let her down since she is not one to ask favors of me. The fact that she actually asked me to do this for her was proof of much this project meant to her.

And so after stressing for an entire weekend (she couldn't stop talking about it), I took a deep breath and tackled the project yesterday. When I realized how very easy this project is, I knew that I had to pass along the instructions, because not only is this an easy project, it is also one of the most inexpensive projects I have ever made.

Following are the instructions... I've tried to include enough pictures for each step in order to keep it simple.

Supplies required for this project are:

1. A tee-shirt - available at Michael's (cost of $3.99)
2. Wonder Under paper backed fusible webbing
3. Tear-Away Stabilizer - I prefer the roll, but it can be purchased in a package also
4. Grid paper to trace pattern on - available at any office supply store in tablets
5. Fabric - we purchased fat quarters at JoAnn's (cost of 99 cents each!)
6. Coordinating thread
7. A sewing machine with a zig-zag stitch (I set the width to 4.5mm and the length to .7 mm)
8. An ironing board and iron

These are the original [read "official"] tee-shirts that I used as a pattern guide - the girls have been spending anywhere from $20 to $30 for each tee-shirt at the local mall. When personalizing your own projects, any image can be used to create a pattern. Coloring books work well, as do computer images of objects such as baseballs, bats, footballs, flowers, peace signs, computer fonts, etc. Just print out the image you want to use and then make a pattern out of it. You can size it on the computer before printing, which makes this step fast and easy (unless you are following sorority guidelines!).

After selecting an image to recreate, a pattern needs to be made - I use the grid paper for proper sizing.

Once the pattern has been designed, trace the image onto the Wonder Under. Iron the image to the WRONG side of the fabric... let cool before trimming to size.

Before the sewing begins, stabilizer must be attached to the WRONG side of the tee-shirt (the inside-out side). I baste a square or rectangle and later remove the basting stitches before tearing away the excess.

Now comes the fun part: sewing. Remove the backing of the Wonder Under and iron the shapes onto the RIGHT side of the fabric. I iron one layer at a time, and then sew that layer. After each layer is sewn, I iron on the next layer and sew that. To put it another way - when appliqueing multiple layers, the process is to stack one upon the other, sewing a layer at a time. I use a zig-zag stitch around the edges, making sure to catch all raw edges. There is no pre-fold hem required, as the wide, tight zig-zag stitches and the sticky back Wonder Under will finish the edges.

To finish the project, remove the basting stitches that hold the stabilizer in place and then tear away the excess stabilizer (see noted photos above). Press tee-shirt to fill in any basting stitch needle marks that may still appear - these will go away once they are pressed back into place.

Here is what the finished projects look like:

 

My total cost for each tee-shirt was $5.33. Note that this does not include the price of the Wonder Under or the stabilizer. If those items are purchased specifically for this project, the base cost will increase substantially. However, one package of Wonder Under is 2 yards in length and that will make over 20 tee-shirts. A roll of stabilizer is also 2 yards in length. Therefore, these supplies are what I consider to be staple materials, so I do not factor in these items in the overall cost of the tee-shirts.

So there you have it - a simple and very low budget project that can be completed in a day. Each tee-shirt took two hours to make, which included tracing the Greek letters, and all of the cutting, ironing and stitching. Like I said, I'm slow when it comes to sewing, and I'm sure that most people would be able to speed up the production time... I'm just not most people... I'm one of those slow people.

Alyssa is thrilled. She has already started to brainstorm more sorority projects. In fact, she wants to sell these tee-shirts to the girls in her sorority (once again, I told her that she absolutely had to get permission to do so before she started advertising tee-shirts for sale!). After she decided that selling Greek letter tee-shirts was a good idea, she then asked me if I would be willing to make them for that purpose. This made me giggle. I honestly think she believes that all I do is sew my life away - maybe a tad bit accurate, but not the entire truth... I do have a few other activities in my life! Anyway, I told her that I would consider making more, but that if I were to sell them, I would do so via the [still not created] Etsy Shop so that she would not be responsible for collecting the money.

When all is said and done, I'm pleased with the results of this project, and I feel honored that Alyssa would trust me enough to ask me to do something sorority related. It's been so much fun having her home. She's grown up a lot and she is really fun to spend time with. Once again, I am tickled with this turn of events. Spring Break has never been one of my favorite "breaks", mostly due to the not-so-spring-like weather that occurs every year, in addition to high expectations from kids who have no concept that the entire world is not on spring break. Now that Alyssa has been in college for almost a year, she finally understands that March weather is probably going to be crappy, the world doesn't revolve around spring break, and having a break from classes is worth celebrating regardless of the weather or the lack of a BIG EVENT. The BIG EVENT, in this case, is having her home. And in my world, that's huge!

Alyssa's Home! YAY!

If someone would have asked me last September whether or not I would be looking forward to having Alyssa home for ten days in March,  I probably would have rolled my eyes and fussed about the power struggle that would ensue... but, oh what a difference seven months can make! I am astounded by the change from then to now.

During the Christmas break, Alyssa worked so many hours at Hollister that I rarely saw her. She worked, she slept, she worked, she slept some more, and then she worked again. Her goal was to make enough money to pay her sorority dues, and so she asked for double shifts at the mall - and double shifts is exactly what she got - but that meant no time at home other than to sleep between shifts. In the end, she did make enough money to pay her sorority dues, so all was well in her world, in spite of the fact that we barely saw her during the entire break.

Last month, upon my insistence, Alyssa came home when she was sick - same thing... sleep, sleep, sleep. I didn't see her at all, other than to offer fluids and more flu medications. As soon as she felt  better, back to school she went. And that was that. I hardly even count it as a "visit home" considering that she was dead to the world.

Which brings me to now... ten days of having her home again. Needless to say, I've been beside myself with anticipation. In fact, I've set aside the entire week so that I can "go with the flow" and do whatever she wants to do. I feel like a child at Christmas... waiting for Santa to come so that I can finally see what delights are in store. All these months she's been away, and I've missed her so very much each and every day. Having her home is exactly what my heart needs at this moment in time. Bonus that she seems as anxious as I am about spending time together doing the mother-daughter thing for an entire week.

We started her spring break with this -

a very long line of parents waiting in the No Parking Zone to pick up our college students. What a joke... too many parents... students in no rush... and no place to go other than sit in line and wait. But what were our options? We could either, 1) leave our kids at the college campus instead of waiting, or 2) wait for our students to get in the car. I think that waiting for our students was the obvious choice in this instance. And so... we waited... and waited... and waited some more.

I enjoyed watching the students eventually begin to meander to the parent's vehicles - the parents were so obviously anxious to see their student, but to be honest, these freshman have no sense of urgency at all! They were officially on Spring Break and their actions showed that their intentions were to cease the insanity of college life and ease [very slowly] into the ten days that are officially known as Spring Break. I laughed out loud as I watched the parents tapping their feet and the students not giving a damn at all. At least I was not alone!

When we finally arrived home, after a wonderful lunch at our favorite diner, Alyssa loved on the dogs until they were nearly beside themselves with glee over seeing her again, and then she turned to me and said, "Let's take a nap... what chair do you want?" That's my girl! She knows how to nap and she knows how to make her momma happy.

And so we napped. I gave her the sofa and I chose the napping chair.  I snoozed for a couple of hours. But Alyssa... she slept, and slept, and slept some more - four hours of napping for my tired college girl. I think the stress of mid-terms finally caught up with her because she took to the sofa as though it was the most comfortable place on earth (it's not!).

When she finally woke up, we watched two hours of America's Next Top Model (so much like old times!), and then we watched a dance movie that I've never seen, "Honey", with Jessica Alba. <--- fun movie if you enjoy dancing.

And so begins an entire week that I plan to dedicate to my growing up daughter. She is so much fun to be with. And, in fact, I do believe my eye rolling days are over and that she and I will once again be friends. Joy, joy, joy over that small, and much welcome, miracle, because, to be very honest, I don't know if I will ever recover from the Momma-Trauma that was so much a part of her senior year - man was that not fun!

But finally, we can put the past traumatic days behind us, and our plans for Alyssa's Spring Break include a sewing project - she wants me to make a template of the Greek letters for her sorority and then applique them onto tee shirts, which might turn out to be quite challenging, because although I am proficient with applique, I am NOT proficient with sewing things on tee shirt fabric. We'll see how this goes.

Additionally, Alyssa wants to make a quick trip to Pennsylvania to visit Lon, Debbie and Casey. I'm up for that! I think we will take our road trip on Tuesday and Wednesday. It should be fun. (John is going to throw a fit when he finds out that he is excluded from this road trip... and I am so not looking forward to dealing with that nonsense).

I guess the moral of this entry is this: they do grow up, and they eventually become our friends; absence really does make the heart grow fonder; and finally, my almost grown up daughter is a delight. I am so thrilled to see her again and to have the opportunity to spend one-on-one time together. And even if she decides to sleep the entire ten days, I'm just happy she is home.

Who I was, who I am, and the foundation on which I stand: a look back at then and now.

I'm blaming this entire post on Facebook, because through Facebook, I have recently reconnected with a handful (five, to be exact) of people from my high school. Note that I graduated high school in 1980 - so it has been many years since I last spoke with these people. And because I moved away from my hometown almost twenty years ago, I don't ever run into people from my former life, so this reconnect has been interesting, to say the least. It has been a walk down memory lane - a path I have not taken since the day I moved away. And this walk down memory lane has caused me to experience emotions I have not felt since I was eighteen year old <--- 29 years ago is how long that has been.

But what these emotions and thoughts have also done for me is make me hyper aware of what my own children must be experiencing at this very moment in their lives. And it has been a wake up call since I'd [selectively] forgotten what it was like to be a teenager; I'd forgotten what it was like to ask yourself every single day, "Will they like me? Am I being a dork? Are they talking about me? Why did I say that?" And the ever constant, "I wish I could hide in a corner."

John has often said to me, "Mom, these people don't know me. They don't understand me. They just don't get me." And until my reconnect, I'd thought that John was being silly... I honestly thought he was just making excuses as to why he does the things he does.

But here's what I've discovered (and I apologize in advance because this includes more talk about sewing, something I know people must get sick of hearing about). I am going to provide visuals to support these thoughts, since we all know that I am all about the pictures when it comes to the blog:

This is a picture of my last childhood doll. Her name is Velvet and she was given to me for Christmas when I was in fifth grade. I took the picture today, because I am a sentimental fool and I still have Velvet safely tucked away in my cedar chest. I tried to get a close up shot since the thing I wanted to show is the dress she is wearing and the very elementary sewing job that was used on her dress. I made the dress for Velvet when I was eleven years old. I was proud of the dress and I actually still have several other outfits that were sewn with TLC for my precious doll. My point: even in the fifth grade, sewing was my happy place and it was how I spent my time - I spent as much time sewing doll clothes as I actually did playing with the dolls. For me, the dolls were a means to an end: sewing.

The next visual is my senior picture - the quality is very poor because the photo is almost 30 years old and it has faded with time:

Disregarding the hairstyle and the blue eyeshadow (hey, it was 1980 - I was considered trendy at the time), note the wool jacket that I was wearing. I sewed the jacket and a matching skirt when I was a senior in high school. I made it specifically for my senior pictures. At the time, I was in love with the suit and I was so proud to wear something I had sewn to the all-important photo shoot. However, I never told a soul that I made my suit. I just handed out the pictures and kept the sewing part to myself.

So what does all this have to do with my recent reconnection with high school friends? Well, it has everything to do with it because as I have been corresponding with Gayle, who lived six houses away from me all through junior high and high school - a person I walked to school with, rode the bus with,  cheered with, invited to our family beach house, had over to slumber parties... I GREW UP with Gayle - I was shocked to hear that she didn't know that I sewed. And that got me to thinking about how, like John, the people in my high school didn't really know me. I intentionally kept my favorite thing in the world (sewing) from them because 1) I didn't want to be made fun of, and 2) I didn't want to be considered a dork. But the truth was, I loved to sew then, and I still love to sew now. The person I was is the person I still am. And in spite of the fact that everything (and nothing) has changed: I was who I am  - and I am who I was. Astounding!

As we've corresponded, Gayle made the comment that she enjoyed catching up with old friends because, "We knew each other before we knew ourselves." How true that is. I'll be the first to admit that I am a different person than the girl I was back then. I have more confidence, I embrace my inner dorkiness, and I have opinions that are actually my very own! And yet, the me I didn't know back then, became the core of me that is my foundation (in spite of my sewing secret). And this is what I wish I could share with John because the teenage foundation is absolutely part of becoming an adult.

Another person I've reconnected with is a guy whom Gayle and I were in swing choir with, Chris Bidleman. (Chris is in the top row: third from the left - Gayle and I are in the front row: I am the first girl on the left, with Gayle next to me). Note: I also sewed part of the dress I am wearing - other people had their moms make their dresses or hired out the project, but I worked with my mom on the dress and I was so proud that I had a hand in the design. Of course, I never told a soul that I made part of my dress. That was just something I didn't do back then.

Back to Chris... he was so much fun! And when I saw his profile picture on Facebook, I could almost smell our choir room... I remembered the piano and the risers... I remembered the trips we took for competitions and the times we spent hanging out as a group in that dark and dreary room where we spent so many hours singing and dancing and doing what we loved, because what we loved was music - all of it... the bee-bop of swing choir, the harmonies, the melodies, the instruments, the costumes, and most of all the friendships. And today, these are the things I still love (minus the costumes since I no longer perform other than with my six year old friend in the privacy of my home). My love of music back then, was the foundation of the music I love today. If one were to look at my iPod playlist, they would see over 500 songs that were popular in the 70's - songs that shaped my youth and that were the inspirations of my thoughts and dreams. And when I look at it that way, I realize that those songs are still the basis of my inspirations, and of my thoughts - and even of the dreams I still have. These people who I spent so much time singing with all those years ago know the foundation of me better than my own husband. Wow! That is a scary thought.

After considering these long ago thoughts and dreams, I have to ask this one single question: "Why is it that when I reconnect with my high school friends, all the old insecurities and doubts resurface?" What is up with that? I find myself still asking the questions, "Will they like me?" "Am I being a dork?" "I wish I wouldn't have said that." Seriously... WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? I'm a confident woman. Where is this coming from? And the big question is: Why do I care?

Why I care is this: I care because of the very fact that these people knew me before I knew myself. They know my brothers and my sister. They've been to my childhood home and met my parents. They know how I was raised and they know the rules I was required to follow. They knew when I followed the rules and they knew when I broke the rules. They were witness to the evolution of who I am. Every single memory of my youth includes something that was done or said or experienced by and with these people. And so the reality is that I care because, other than my family, these people know the foundation of Kelly, and if anyone on this earth is going to understand who I am today, it would be these people. They may not know me as a wife. They certainly don't know me as a mother. They've never seen me working. They have no idea of my current lifestyle. But they know Kelly - the real Kelly... the girl I was, who is the woman I am. That girl has blossomed and grown, but she is still there. She is so much of who I am today, because who I was is exactly what I have become.

And this is what I want to tell John. I want to tell him that even if his classmates don't know him, they know the foundation - and when he looks back in twenty or thirty years, my hope is that John will see the foundation and that he will still be the person he is today - bigger, better, grown, and confident... but still John. Because even though his "thing" is not sewing, and that's not what he hides, he has his own "things" and he hides them exactly like I did way back when. It's okay to hide... but it's not okay to lose our passions just because they are not cool at the time. John loves poetry. He loves to write, which is considered so not cool for an almost 17 year old "cool kid" - and so he hides these things and he tucks away in private and pursues his dreams alone. And that's okay. I get that because it is exactly what I did. But in hindsight, it doesn't matter because the passion is only part of the foundation - it may be the biggest part, but it is not the only part. It takes many layers to create the foundation... and a lot of those layers are within the halls of the high school.

The truth is, we are tied to our high school friends whether we like it or not. We can ignore them. We can run from them. We can try to never think of them again. But the bottom line is these people were there when we were building our foundation, and because of that single fact, these people are part of our past and part of how our foundation turned out.

And so even though I am experiencing all these feelings of insecurities and conflict (WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? Seriously... why am I feeling this way?), I have chosen to embrace my past because by doing so, I am able to be a better mother to John and Alyssa. Having spent an entire week thinking about this (and feeling insecure), I have gained a new parenting tool: I have more understanding; I have more compassion; and most of all, I have a point of reference that I had previously chosen to ignore.

When all is said and done, I think I will always feel insecure around my high school friends. And that's okay, because whether I like it or not, that's where the foundation began. Today I think that the original foundation is still there - better, bigger, stronger - but still there, so it's all good. And now that these old emotions have risen to the surface, I am able to do something with the memories - something that will help my own children. And at the end of the day, Alyssa and John are my priority above and beyond all else. If a walk down memory lane and a little bit of angst is what it takes for me to understand my teenagers, then I welcome the emotions, because right now I'm grasping at straws when it comes to my lost and conflicted son.

Self reflection. Pain of our youth. Angst. Insecurities. These are things that make better parents. Seriously... I had no idea. I'd been running from these things for so long that I hadn't really given it a thought. But now I know better. And better is always a good thing when it comes to parenting.

A final word to the two people from my high school who may read this blog entry: Thank you for then, because without the then, I would not be who I am today. And to be very honest, I really like who I am... I'm still me deep down, and the reconnect has helped me appreciate that for what it is.

The project that took forever, and other nonsense

I will be the first to admit that I sew slowly. I live by the rule that the slow and steady win the race, whereas the fast and furious crash and burn - at least, when it comes to sewing, that has been my experience - I crash and burn every single time I try to speed up the process... and so I sew slow. I like to think that by doing so, I am able to enjoy the experience all the more. But the real truth is that when I sew slowly, I make fewer mistakes and my stitches are more accurate. In the end, this saves me from having to rip out my work, which I do enough of as it is even with the slow going. In recent years, I've come to refer to my slow and steady pace as The Amish Method, because those people make the most beautiful things, and they do so without electricity - instead, they use treadle machines and turn the wheel by hand. Okay... I don't sew that slow, but sometimes it comes close.

And so when this project, now referred to as the Daisy Kitchen Collection, ended up taking me over two weeks to complete, even I began to wonder if maybe I should speed things up a bit. But with the recent medical issues (a visit to the hospital is a pretty good reason to stop sewing for at least a day), and a son who is turning into a teenage hellion (his latest antics don't even warrant documentation because they are so lame... the boy needs to use his brain!)... well, slow going began to look better than no going at all, because even though things were progressing at a snail's pace, I was able to see progress each and every day.

This project is one that I intend to add to the growing inventory of the still to be determined Etsy Shop. I came up with the design late one night as I was looking through a magazine - there was an advertisement for some brand of allergy medication and the ad design inspired me to think of blues and yellows with daisies scattered about. And so at 11:30 at night, I got out my sketch pad and I started to draw daisies of all kinds (some of those daisies were really bad - but that's how things work... start with the bad and end up with something that fits the concept). The next morning I dug through my fabric stash and pulled out all my blue and yellow material, but I didn't like my choices, so I clipped a coupon and off I went to the fabric store. I found some daisy fabric that perfectly suited the concept I had in mind, and thus began "The Project That Took Forever."

Below is the end result of two weeks of start and stop slow sewing. This is only the third project that I have conceptualized, designed, and developed from start to finish on my own. The pattern is in my mind and if I had to make it again, it would probably turn out differently because that's how my mind works - I go with the flow and wing it as I go. This kitchen set is simple... but I like how it turned out:

Now, the nonsense about my son - the one who is turning into a teenage hellion: I am so blessed to have a support team of friends and family who are always willing to listen to my woes and to offer words of encouragement. Yesterday, I received an email from a very special friend, and I think that she summed things up perfectly. I wanted to share her words because I believe they apply to any teenager who is struggling to find their way, regardless of the actual situation - I do believe that this observation is spot on and applies to all teenagers:

John. Sigh. From the outside looking in I see a young man who rebels as his way of being ‘normal’ and taking control of his life since otherwise he is not normal and not in control of his body, his situation. it is the only way he has come up with to be a ‘normal’ teen.  Then he will be viewed as the bad ass and not the sick kid.  Again, only my two cents. By dancing with the law he is not pitied or babied as he probably is by other adults in his life. You and others react with anger and other strong feelings instead of letting him slip by because of his condition. He is testing you and others….’look what I did – love me still?’. He may have felt that your love and support came from his illness – especially with a gorgeous and successful sister going before him.  maybe if he sees that his actions might have dire consequence he may rethink them….juvie hall? “prison school” ? (something we have here) some other form of institutionalization? If he realizes you cannot cope with his actions and will not tolerate them….. I don’t know. this is a tough one.

And so to this friend, I say thank you... thank you for putting things into perspective and for helping me see outside of the problem that is so close to my heart... so close, and painful, and frightening that I am often unable to see beyond the moment. After much consideration, I know she's right - John is at the stage where he is going to need to face outside consequences for his irresponsible and unacceptable actions, and when that happens, only then will he realize that my love for him is unconditional. Unfortunately, his consequences may be something that he pays for in ways that he has yet to think through. And so in the meantime, I continue to love, to pray, to support, to guide, and to live in constant fear that his actions are going to harm him in ways that a mother can't fix.

To end this entry on a positive note (and another bit of nonsense), I thought I'd share an elusive photo with you. This is the ONLY picture that has been taken of me and my husband in over ten years, and although I posted it on Facebook, I thought that it also needed to be added to the archives of the blog. I offer it as proof that I really am married... there really is a spouse... I really do love him... and he really does exist in more than just my mind:

 
Kelly and Jeff - photo taken shortly before our 20 year wedding anniversary.

As some final nonsense and a bit of daily trivia: Alyssa is home this weekend because she's been so sick at college, we decided to bring her home to her own bed and to see her own doctor. I'll be in full-blown mother mode for the next few days. And when all is said and done, that is the one thing that makes the most happy, even though I feel terrible that my college student is too sick to stay in the dorm!

Happy weekend to all - and to my own mother, I send happy birthday wishes. Smooches to you, Mom, enjoy your birthday and celebrate your life!

Happy {hearts} day from me to you!

Wishing all who stop by a day filled with love, romance,
happiness, and a whole lot of pink and red memories.

Smooch!

My idea of a perfect afternoon.

One of my very favorite people in the world is my little six year old friend, Miss B. I love spending time with her because she is funny and clever and oh-so smart. I get downright giddy when she stops by to play with the dogs because that means an afternoon of giggles. And she dances... she will actually dance with me when I turn on the music. One of our favorite things to do is share the iPod earbuds and dance to our favorite songs (she's a huge Carrie Underwood fan, so we sing and dance when Carrie is on the iPod).

At Christmas time, Miss B wrote Santa a letter requesting a sewing machine of her very own. In the letter, she included a paragraph explaining that it would be okay for her to have a sewing machine because her babysitter's mom (me) knew how to sew and would be happy to give her lessons. Good 'ole Santa - he came through with flying colors and Miss B is now the proud owner of her very own grown-up sewing machine. And me... well, I'm the teacher! But first off, I had to figure out how to use her machine since I was not familiar with the Janome brand. But now we have that figured out, and we are off and running with the sewing lessons.

Today we had Miss B's second sewing lesson. Honestly, I have not had this much fun in ages! It doesn't hurt that the pupil is a true natural and has taken to sewing like nobody's business. It also helps that she reads at a 4th grade level, so she is able to follow written instructions with ease. But the best part is that I love this girl. She is such a delight to be with - she makes me happy!

Here is a pictorial recap of today's lesson... these pictures make me smile:

Student and teacher (she's only six years old!)

Miss B does it all by herself... every single stitch!

Filling the finished bag with Valentines to take to school tomorrow.

Sweet success and a very happy girl!

A job well done and a great finished project. Cute model, too!

Did I mention she made this entire bag all by herself... in less than two hours... without any mistakes at all? Truly, the child has a gift. And you have to know that I am thrilled knowing that my favorite six year old has become the newest convert to my happy place.

Seriously, this is my idea of a perfect afternoon. The pictures make me smile, as does thinking about how much fun it is to spend time with Miss B. Add in some sewing... and... well... this is about as close to heaven as I've been in a long time.

You may have been wondering...

... where I've been. And because I don't want to offend those who are waiting for emails, and for the handful of people who loyally continue to check the blog, I provide this information:

Not fun. Without going into details, I will just say that I'm in the process of blood therapy, testing, procedures, and consulting with specialists. I'm also trying not to be mad at God, because although I know He is good, I'm not appreciating His sense of humor. First John, now me? I see nothing funny about that at all.

So there you have it: my absence is due to some physical difficulties and I am a tad bit overwhelmed, a whole lot stressed, and a quite a bit freaked out.

In order to keep the blog happy and upbeat, I thought I'd post a couple of sneak peek pictures of some of the projects I'd been working on before the health glitch:

The two projects above are items that I plan to add to the [maybe to happen] Etsy shop.

For the pillow, I made a cover/case that I placed on a small pillow that I use for back support when I am crocheting. I loved this fabric so much that I went back to the store and purchased three more yards. With the additional fabric, I think I am going to make some matching over-sized throw pillows for my sofa. What doesn't show up in the photo is the gold outlines around each flower - the fabric is exquisite and almost too classy for a pillow case. Had I known how fancy it was, I probably would have chosen something less formal to use as a back support. As it is, I think I now have a new favorite fabric-ever! I seriously love this fabric.

Current projects in the works are applique table settings as well as another 15 point star table centerpiece with matching placemats (more possible Etsy additions - if and when I decide to open a shop). However, the process is slow going due to the current health issues and so these projects are taking a long time to complete because when I'm not in the hospital or at medical appointments and therapies, I seem to be sleeping - the medication makes me so drowsy that I've even had to give up some of my favorite television shows (American Idol and Lost!). For those who know me, giving up my television shows is something I am not very happy about.

When all is said and done, I've decided that it often takes a crisis to remind me of how precious my health is. I am also reminded of how very thankful I am to have such a passion for sewing - it is my escape from the reality of this current crisis.

Oh, and about being mad at God... I'm not really mad at Him... but I do seriously question His timing. I guess his clock runs a bit differently than the one I am using.

Dorm Room Drama

Sad news from Alyssa: one of her roommates, Stephanie, attempted to commit suicide last Wednesday evening. She was taken away from the dorm by an ambulance while Alyssa was attending her night class. Alyssa knew that Steph was "threatening" to do something bad, but what she did not know was that when Stephanie made the threat she had already taken 70+ ibuprofen. Steph's mom arrived from Ohio at midnight on Wednesday while Steph was still in the hospital. I can't begin to imagine how terrifying that mother's drive must have been.

And now there is a lot of bad drama going on amongst the other roommates - they are mad at Alyssa for not leaving her night class and for not skipping sorority activities during all the excitement - and after telling Alyssa that she was heartless and that she needed "therapy", those two girls left campus to stay at Halie's house for the weekend, leaving Alyssa alone in the dorm for three days. Alyssa is so angry with them for making such a stink about "her" when what they should be concerned about is Stephanie's well-being.

As it stands, Stephanie was in the hospital for 3 days under psych observation. The school wanted her to be moved to a psych clinic for at least another week, but when she was released from the hospital, her mom took her home to Ohio. It doesn't sound like she will be allowed to return to the dorms, but whether she is kicked out of school is still up for debate. The RA has been in meetings with the faculty to discuss the options, and Steph's family is scheduled to meet with the Dean tomorrow. The school requested that Alyssa attend a mandatory counselling session this week to give her "official" report as to what happened on Wednesday. She also has to meet with the Dean to discuss the options and to share her thoughts on what happened. Needless to say, my daughter is not happy about being put in this situation.

All in all, a HUGE mess. Alyssa is plugging along with her classes as best as she can considering the circumstances, but she is pretty shook up. Sidenote: this is the same roommate who had to be transported by an ambulance last semester due to binge drinking and alcohol poisoning... so she was already on probation, which [I hope] will factor in to the decision of her being allowed to stay in school. I swear to all that is holy - Alyssa is a magnet to weird friends. She is always getting put in these odd situations. I almost wish she'd find a boyfriend so that she would not get so involved in the girl drama. Okay... not really... I don't want her to find a boyfriend... not yet, anyway.

In addition to being worried about Stephanie (whom I've met on four occasions), I feel terribly for my daughter. She is just beside herself with anxiety and frustration. And those ding-dongs who she lives with think that Steph will be back in school and living in the dorm by Wednesday. What the heck? They actually think the university will allow Stephanie to return after two major incidents? Give me a break. These girls are in la-la land.  However, in the event that the university does allow Stephanie to move back into the dorm room, Alyssa has requested a room change. The RA told her that the request will be moved to the top of the priority list if the situation deems it necessary. The problem with this scenario is that Alyssa really doesn't want to move. She is settled into the room she is currently living in, and although she is fighting with the other roommates, she is comfortable with the living arrangements.

 

On the bright side - Alyssa was officially initiated into the Chi Omega Sorority on Friday, and after three days of non-stop events, she is exhausted but thrilled. The weekend began Friday morning at 6:00 with a sunrise ceremony and from there it was full speed ahead with three days of initiation ceremonies and activities.  Apparently she received her "letters" on Friday morning - I guess those are like high school varsity letters (?). Whatever they were, they made her happy. She asked me to think about how to incorporate them into a quilt - and as we all know, I am all over that idea. I've already begun sketching out ideas for her to consider.

As I was trying to help Alyssa handle this crisis (via text messages and phone calls), I was once again reminded why being a teenager is so very difficult. These kids have pressure from all sides. I told Alyssa that this experience will make her stronger and will build character... and with those words, I thought I sounded like my mother! That is what I've become... my mother. Thankfully, my mom is a saint and if I come even a tiny bit close to offering the love and support to my children that she has offered me - I will have done my job.

Girl drama. I hate it... I hated it when Alyssa was living at home, and I hate it even more now - because the truth of the matter is that the older the girls are, the bigger the drama becomes.

Well, it's about time!

First things first: I invite you to put on your dancing shoes and join me in a celebration because I've been happy dancing for an entire week, and the party is still not over.

Drum roll please...

... John has returned to school! I can't tell you how thrilled I am. He needed to go back to school. And in spite of the fact that he is not physically as strong as we would like - emotionally, school is the best place for him right now. His world was becoming too small, and he deserves to experience so much more than what I am able to provide within the confines of this home; he needs to be in a classroom instead of with a tutor; he needs to be with his peers; and most of all - he and I need a break from the constant companionship that had become nearly oppressive.

So... we are celebrating! This is such great news, considering that in the past eight months John has only attended four weeks of school. That is a long time to be out of the classroom. It is also a long time for a mother to entertain and care for an almost 17 year old child. Additionally, it is a long time to give up my privacy as I hosted nurses and tutors all day-every day. And, since I'm being honest, I will admit that it is also a very long time to share my space and give up my freedom. Is that selfish of me? Probably. But at least I'm honest. *sigh*

The next "It's about time" item on the agenda: I mentioned in my last post that my husband gave me a wonderful new laptop for Christmas. Come to find out, the Vista program on the laptop was not compatible with the version of Photoshop Elements I was running. What a hassle that turned out to be - and frustrating? Oh my gosh! I was ready to pull my hair out. When we finally realized it was a compatibility issue, we were able to address the problem, which meant installing the new 7.0 trial version of PSE. More happy dancing in my house! I'd heard that 7.0 runs slow... it doesn't! I'd heard that there was a high learning curve for 7.0... there's not! I am in love with this program. It has solved all sorts of issues I've had in the past with the older version of Elements. And slick? Yeah, it's slick. The picture shows my pretty new desktop with the new pse icon (how great is that wallpaper background?). I took a screen shot of my computer screen just to play with the program - that's how happy it makes me. I will be purchasing the 7.0 upgrade before the 30 day trial is done. In my opinion, it is worth its weight in gold.

I have to offer a million thanks to my husband for spending entire days of his time in an attempt to get me up and running at full speed. His ability to find solutions to the problems we've encountered with switching from Explorer to Vista have astounded me. I am so thankful for his calm approach and neverending patience with my [sometimes outrageous] requests and demands. And in case anyone was wondering - I have learned to love Vista! It is way cool.

In celebration of the upgrade changes recently made - I'm going to share a great find with you. For those who are into actions when editing their photos, look what I stumbled across:

 

Here's the hyper-link to the site: CoffeeShop free downloads. I've played with a few of the actions, and they are fabulous. And free... how can you argue with that? These action programs are compatible with both Photoshop Elements and Photoshop CS - bonus!

Moving on to another "It's about time" subject... we finally got a little bit of snow.

 

It's about time! Last week the temps were in the single digits. Brrrr. It was so dang cold outside - it even hurt to breathe. And although I despise snow with every fiber of my being, I still feel like snow is part of the winter months, and if the temps are going to be frigid, I wanna see the white stuff. We only saw a few flakes last week - I guess it was too cold to snow. But today we saw the real thing. Snow, snow, snow. Not enough to really do anything with (like mess up the traffic or make a snowman), but just enough to satisfy my desire to watch it fall from the sky. PERFECT!

In other news, tomorrow is the inauguration of President Elect Barack Obama. Living in the region where this will occur is interesting, to say the least. I won't be attending any of the events because 1) I don't like crowds, 2) porta-pottys are gross, 3) it's too cold to endure watching something outside with thousands of strangers, 4) traffic will be a nightmare, 5) security issues (one of my personal phobias), and 6) this is all we have heard about on our local news for a full month - and I've OD'd on the inauguration, the cost, the attendance, the schedule of events, the menu, the attire, the road closings, the school closings (neither of my kids have school on Tuesday due to traffic and security concerns - yep, they even canceled the classes at Alyssa's university), etc., etc., etc. Instead of driving 16 miles to attend the inauguration, I'll be sitting in the warm comfort of my home watching it on the television. I'm looking forward to the changes that have been promised. But more than that, I am anxiously awaiting putting the inauguration behind us and moving ahead.

And finally - about the subject of an Etsy Shop: it's in the works. And because I'm anal about starting something new, I have been doing my research and have decided to build a small inventory before I open the store. I still don't have a name (all suggestions welcome), and I still have not decided on exactly what to put in the shop (again, suggestions are welcome). The first thing necessary was figuring out why my PSE program wasn't working since I can't open a store without being able to take pictures of the items that will be available. Now that I have solved that problem, I am ready to move forward with production. I'm hoping for a late February or early March opening - a lot will depend on whether I can keep John in school, thus freeing up my time for creativity (more happy dancing just thinking about all the things I want to make).

"It's about time". That's where my mind is at today. I'm ready for change - change in my life and change for our country. In the meantime, I will just keep happy dancing because I find it to be such a great way to celebrate the changes that are ahead.

Pink Hearts & Doggy Scarves

2009 started out with a very loud bang - and it is not the kind of bang I was hoping would ring in the new year. Therefore, in answer to the question, "where have you been?" I will just say this about that: parenting a wayward, rebellious, angry teenage son is nothing to blog about - I am emotionally worn out, and I have reached the end of my rope. But if I were to blog about the experience, words such as illegal, police, temptations, peer pressure, and trouble would surely be included. Having said that, I am just going to skip right over all other recent developments. (No one will ever accuse me of lacking the ability to tune out my reality!)

And so with the beginning of a new year, and a burning desire to maintain my sanity through all the craziness that surrounds me, I once again turned to the sewing machine - but before doing so, I loudly proclaimed to my family that I was going to my happy place, and may the good Lord help anyone who dared question my motives. Needless to say, they left me alone.

The first thing I did was an attempt to remind myself that love abounds even when disappointments occur. With that thought in mind, I went to the fabric store and purchased yards and yards of pink heart fabric because 1) I love pink, and 2) Valentine's Day is the next holiday on the calendar. After looking at the fabric for a few days, I came up with a pattern and design late one night when I was trying not to wallow in parenting hell. This Valentine table setting is nothing fancy, but it makes me happy. I made the circles using various sizes of kitchen drinking glasses. I made the strips using a rotary cutter and quilting ruler. The place mats were made by tracing something else I had sewn last summer. All applique work was sewn with my Baby Lock machine using the applique stitch and contrasting thread. Easy, breezy, pink heart fun!

Here is what I ended up with to remind myself that love is all around:

After completing the pink heart project, I still had oodles of fabric left over, and so I sketched out a pattern similar to something I had seen last fall at a craft fair. I've been wanting to make one of these circle thingies for ages, but could never figure out how to do so. It took me four attempts to get the measurements right, and I ended up throwing the first three prototypes away. I finally recruited my husband to help me out and together we were able to calculate the proper cutting lines and exact dimensions. Without his calm approach and exceptional patience, I doubt I would have ever been able to complete this design. As it is, I've now made two sets and have the entire project down to a single day. I'm thinking about opening an Etsy Shop, and so this was a test project. I'm still undecided about the Etsy Shop, but in the meantime, I'm having fun thinking about it and working on possible inventory.

And finally, a just because story because this provided a laugh out loud moment when I needed it most:

The way my mom, Jenny, Debbie and I email each other is all together - so what one person writes, everyone reads (although I have to say that I think Jenny reads much more than she writes!). On Christmas day, Debbie sent an email wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and commented on the Christmas scarf that her dog, Sophie, was wearing. Apparently, Jenny had made the scarf for Sophie as a little doggy gift. Later that day, Jenny responded to the email saying that her dog, Chloe, had a Christmas scarf on as well. Harrumph. No scarves here in Virginia! I was feeling left out.

The following week, I had to sew up some new diaper wraps for my poor little pitiful dog who is still in a wheelchair due to paralysis. When I was done with the dreaded project (I really hate sewing doggy diaper wraps), my husband commented that Misty was the best dressed dog in the whole wide world. I told him that she was NOT the best dressed dog because she did not warrant an Aunt Jenny Christmas scarf. I also passed the comment along to my sister via the family email route, making sure she knew that I noticed the scarf favoritism.

Later that week, Jeff went out to the mailbox and when he came inside, he was chuckling to himself. He then waved a letter in front of me and said, "Misty got mail." I grabbed the envelope and tore it open to discover a lovely new Aunt Jenny scarf made especially for Misty. Oh happy day! Doggy mail. What fun! If I open an Etsy Shop, dog scarves will definitely be included in the inventory. These scarves are so stinkin' cute!

That my sister would make Misty a scarf and send it to my dog in the mail made me laugh until I cried. The scarf arrived on a day when John and I had been going at each other like never before, and I was to the point of throwing in my parenting towel and going on a very long vacation to Never-Neverland. I so greatly appreciate the fact that Jenny saw humor in my utter disgust that Misty was overlooked at Christmas time. That she would spend her day off making a doggy scarf meant more to me than anything else at that moment in time, and it reminded me that no matter how far away she lives, my sister is there just when I need her most. Three cheers for Jenny - she made me laugh! I love you, sis.

Oh... good news: I have a new laptop. It's a Sony Vaio that is sangria red and it is absolutely wonderful. When I opened this gift from my husband on Christmas Day, I was utterly speechless (I thought I was getting a new coffee maker). It's taken me a while to figure out how to transfer programs and such, but I think I have finally figured out how to work with the pictures using Vista, which was the most important thing to learn, second only to trying to remember my user names and passwords for various personal files and websites. If things on the blog look wonky, the fault is solely my own due to inexperience with the laptop and Adobe.

A very belated Happy New Year to all. My hope is that it only gets better, because if it gets any worse, a trip to Never-Neverland just still might happen.

Now this is Christmas!

Alyssa is home! And she brought her roommate with her. What a treat it has been to have both girls home for the holidays. Haley works at The Patriot Center and she was unable to go home until after her pay period ended, so she joined our family for a few days while she traveled back and forth from the campus of GMU to our house. It was so much fun seeing these girls together - they truly are like sisters. They spent the first few days of their winter break playing with my scrapbook supplies, watching movies, and sleeping... these girls know how to sleep!

And so with Alyssa home, our house has become a whirlwind of activity before the holiday. We've had Haley coming and going, Alyssa working the overnight shifts at Hollister, John trying to keep up with his tutors, nurses and social life, and me trying to finish up last minute Christmas preparations. At one point, we had Haley packing to go home while another friend moved into the guest room just three hours later - barely time to change the sheets and wash the towels! That same night, we had one of John's friends crashed out on our downstairs sofa while John and his girlfriend watched a movie in the upstairs family room... five teenagers all at once! The front door just kept revolving, leaving my head spinning and my pantry emptying faster than I could keep up. Note that this activity occurred at 2:30 in the morning and I was left to wonder exactly what sort of hours these college girls keep while living on campus with no rules at all.

It's been fun, but I just can't keep up with the teenagers.

Through it all, I managed to finish the final holiday sewing project:

 

This is a child's size 8 apron that I made as an anonymous donation to a family our neighborhood sponsored this Christmas (Simplicity Pattern # 4286). I had so much fun sewing something for a little girl - it brought back many memories of years gone by when I used to make Alyssa's Christmas dresses each year. I had forgotten how cute those little girl projects can be (and now I want grand babies, but I'm going to keep that wish to myself for a few more years!).

Speaking of neighbors: one of my neighbors had the wonderful idea that we all work together this holiday season and sponsor a family from a local church. She organized the project like a pro and we began gathering gifts in early November. Yesterday she hosted a wrapping party -

 

Participating in this project has been my greatest reward of the season. I was overwhelmed seeing the generosity of my friends and neighbors, and I was honored to have been asked to make the apron for a deserving little girl. In addition to the apron, Alyssa and I shopped for the mother. We had fun selecting items that we thought would make her life easier (jumbo sized bath towels), and more relaxing (a new coffee maker). As I spent the afternoon with my neighbors, I was reminded that when everyone gives a little, the result turns out to be a lot. It is my sincere desire that we make this an annual holiday tradition because this is really what Christmas is all about.

While at the wrapping party, Alyssa was able to spend time with our very favorite six year old friend. I almost stared to cry as we walked in the door and Little Miss B ran across the room and threw herself into Alyssa's arms. She held on very tightly and didn't want to stop hugging Alyssa - the look on her face was pure love and adoration. Afterwords, Alyssa told me that seeing Miss B was what she had been looking forward to more than anything else this holiday season.

 

When I take a minute to stop and soak it all in, I realize that this is what Christmas feels like: family, friends, love, laughter, and joy - and I am thankful to be blessed with these gifts - because I know that each moment is a memory and each memory is a treasure.

From my house to yours, I wish you a very Merry Christmas as you gather treasured memories of your own this holiday season.

Twitch

I've had a twitch in my lower left eye lid for the past four days. It began shortly after I received a phone call from Alyssa last Thursday night. She was sobbing and inconsolable. No mother is happy when they hear their child cry, especially when said child is not living at home and is freaking out. I felt so helpless, because, really... what could I do? She is away at college. I am not there to offer a shoulder to cry on - instead, all I had were empty words of comfort. Come to find out, Alyssa was not handling her final exams well, which is completely understandable for a first year college student. Knowing that, however, does not make it easier on the mother.

So, my eye started to twitch. And it twitched all weekend long. I guess I'm not handling the situation with the nurse - and now the situation with a stressed out college student - very well. I thought that the bit with the nurse was fine since, after a million phone calls, we finally did get a nurse out to our house last week. Seemingly, that should have put that problem to rest. But what I didn't realize was that I have internalized a lot of anxiety about John's transition to sub-q infusions - and by internalizing, I mean I can't let John know that this is something that I'm really nervous about because the responsibility of his care now rests completely on my shoulders, whereas, always before I've had a nurse to depend on when it comes to needles and serums and all the other stuff that goes along with an infusion.

 

This is what I am now responsible for. John says that he will be in charge of his therapy from here on out, but when I look at these supplies, I am wondering how he really feels about this change we are about to make. For people not in the medical field, the sight of needles and a Sharps container can be quite intimidating... well... they intimidate me, that's for sure.

And then there's this:

 

That's my driveway and my yard. This is what I woke up to at 7:00 this morning. And the minute I looked out my dining room window, that darn twitch went into a full speed twitch mode. Twitch. Twitch. I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on much of anything with a twitch that is going a hundred miles an hour.

I've been told that the hole in my yard is due to Vios. What the heck is Vios? And why is everyone but me so happy about this? Seriously... it's hard to be excited about something that creates this kind of a mess with my yard - even if it is something really cool (which I wouldn't know, since I have no idea what Vios is in the first place).

Twitch.

And so here's how I'm coping:

Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter. This is my version of mindless escape. And I'm not kidding when I say that the only time my eye has not twitched since last Thursday night is when I'm reading these books. Yep... I've read 4 books since Thursday. That's how I cope - I bury my nose in a book and I completely shut out the rest of the world. Thankfully, my husband knows when to let me do this, and when my eye starts to twitch, he always steps back and allows me to escape my reality. AND HE COOKS! What more can I ask for? Well, I could ask that my eye stop twitching, but at this point, I don't think that is going to happen until Alyssa is home for the holidays, John's first sub-q therapy is successfully completed, and my yard is put back together. Geez, I hope my yard does not look like this all winter long - I seriously think I would go insane if my eye were to twitch for that many weeks and months.

Twitch.

Twitch.

Twitch.

Unbelievable - and in my opinion, inexcusable.

Note: this entry is medical related. I don't have pictures and it's not a very fun topic. However, I've been working up a "mad" for an entire week, and I need to document what is happening to my son.

For information purposes - John's official diagnosis is most clearly described as follows:

Primary Immunodeficiency (PI)

The immune system acts to protect the body against infections caused by bacteria and viruses. In the immune system, white blood cells and antibodies called "immunoglobulins" (Ig) identify and destroy these invaders. When an immune system is incomplete or not working properly, this is called primary immunodeficiency or PI.

People with PI who have difficulty fighting infections due to low levels of immunoglobulin production can benefit from a temporary increase of Ig. This replacement Ig is made from human plasma and can be given to help prevent infections. This is called "immunoglobulin therapy," or "Ig therapy.

What types of Ig therapy are available?

People living with PI can benefit from "infusions" of Ig, which can be given three ways:

• Just below the skin - this is called subcutaneous Ig, or "Sub-Q Ig"
• Through the vein of the patient's arm - this is called intravenous Ig or "IvIg"
• Through an injection into the muscle - this is called intramuscular injection or "IM Ig"

For the past three years, John has received IvIg therapy. These are the infusions that I've written about. They are a nightmare due to the amount of time each infusion takes, as well as a scar tissue problem that has developed over time which causes John's veins to collapse and has now become very painful.

The goal all along has been to transition John to Sub-Q Ig because his IvIg treatments tend to have a "wear off" effect where the levels drop between infusions - compromising his health as well as his quality of life. Add in John's vein problems and multiple needle sticks, and it only makes sense that we look for a better way of doing things. However, John has been disagreeable with the Sub-Q plan because he is in denial and he keeps telling us that he doesn't want medical help and is, therefore, not going to proceed with treatment once he turns eighteen.

After a particularly painful infusion last month, John finally agreed to try Sub-Q, which is self administered one hour a week. His reasoning was that he can no longer trust anyone to administer the medication properly, so he is now ready to take charge of his life. I don't blame him...  the infusion from hell lasted ten hours. There was blood all over the place - clothing, carpeting, skin, equipment... all those things covered in blood. John's arms had been poked so much that they were turning black and blue before the nurse even left our home. Who wants to live like that? Certainly not my rebel son.

So off we went the very next day to meet with the Immunologist. The Immunologist was thrilled when he heard that John was ready to make the Sub-Q transition. He's been encouraging John to try this form of treatment for the past several months, but he felt that John had to make the decision on his own. The doctor immediately placed an order for one year of weekly Sub-Q infusions before we left his office. And then off we went, thinking that we had a new plan of attack and that John's quality of life would soon improve.

Last Monday I received a call from the company that makes the serum that will be used for Sub-Q. They informed me that Sub-Q treatments could not begin without one more IvIg infusion because there is a window of five to seven days required for the transition - this is to prepare the body to be most receptive to the new form of treatment. We had missed the window, so we needed to create a new window. When I told John that he had to have one more infusion, he was furious. Finally I talked him off that ledge and he agreed to go along with this plan, which was a good thing because the injection serum was already en-route to our home (it has a short shelf-life, it is very expensive, and it is in short supply and high demand - when we get the serum, we like to use it immediately as to not deny someone else treatment).

I then called the nursing company to schedule a nurse - something I have done every twenty-one days for the past three years. And this is where I started working on my "mad". I was informed by the nursing company that they would "no longer service John, due to the length of time it takes to infuse him, as well as their inability to find viable veins."

Are you kidding me? This is our health care system we are talking about. Since when do they get to pick and choose which patients they will service? What deems a patient serviceable? And who is the judge of that in the first place? Who is the suit in the office who sits behind a desk and says, "This patient will be cared for because their treatment is easy to administer, but this patient will not be cared for because they are more time consuming and difficult to work with?" What gives these people the right to deny service to my child? We are insured. They are compensated fully for their time, and I know that they are paid in full each month. But because my son's treatment takes too long, and because his veins are shot, they have all of a sudden decided to drop him from their patient care list.

The thing that makes me the most angry is that we are at the height of cold and flu season. John cannot afford to delay treatment, and treatment delayed due to a bunch of political red tape makes it far worse. Even a weeks delay could cause John's immune system to crash. And if that happens, we are looking at far more than a single day's treatment - we will be looking at hospitalization and a potential serious health crisis. But because John is no longer the ideal patient, we have no nursing service to provide the critical care that he needs. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture?

All last week, my anger churned. This week, I'm beyond angry. I am now infuriated. To say that this is unbelievable is putting it mildly. I now loudly proclaim that this is an inexcusable way to treat a patient.

For one full week, I've voiced my opinion to every power that be I can think of. Finally, someone listened, and as of today, the drug company who makes the Sub-Q serum is working on finding a nurse to service John. I have no idea what to expect - all I can do is pray that this problem is remedied quickly (well... pray and keep raising a ruckus over this fiasco). Supposedly, I will hear from someone this afternoon. My hope is that today is not too late. And my prayer is that there are angels looking after my son.

Thanksgiving Wrap Up - {a pictorial review}

Thanksgiving 2008 turned out to be my favorite Thanksgiving ever! The close runner up Thanksgiving was eight years ago when Alyssa and I flew to the PNW for Jenny and Chris's wedding - that was one for the record books - it was wild! I can't come close to hostessing an event that rivals Jenny's wedding, because when it comes right down to it, I think my house is relatively boring. However, when a home is filled with aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, teenage cousins and three hyper dogs - there is love, and wonderful memories are made in spite of the lack of excitement.

My heart overflowed with joy as I spent the day with my favorite people:

 

Listening to cousins laughing together is one of the nicest sounds on earth:

 

Buddy has a new girlfriend - he fell in love with Lon and Debbie's dog, Sophie. Poor Sophie - Buddy would NOT leave her alone. He was so enamored with her and he followed her everywhere. He even waited for her outside the bedroom door when she was sleeping. When it was time for Sophie to potty outside, Buddy wanted to join her, and he impatiently waited for her to return. He seemed lonely when she went home - and had to sleep all day to recover from his courting efforts. Sophie played hard to get... Buddy was insistent with his intentions, and I think all that tail chasing must have worn him out.

 

Our honored guests traveled from Pennsylvania to our home in Virginia:

 

Alyssa was home for the holiday - I am always happiest when I am with my children (and I'm even happier when they let us take pictures):

 

All in all, this holiday was a day to remember and I would not change a single thing. Okay... I might change one thing: 20 lbs of turkey was a little much for seven people - I am still stuffed!

Tomato Girl

Every once in a while, I stumble across a book that I cannot put down - a story that touches my soul and that will stay with me for the remainder of my days. Jayne Pupek's debut novel, Tomato Girl, is one of those books.

The first paragraph had me hooked:

"Jars line my cellar shelves. Some are filled with fists of yellow-veined tomatoes. Others hold small onions and chopped leeks, white pearls floating in an opaque sea. Sometimes the light falls on a jar of boiled quail or the slick, dark meat of a rabbit. There are unexpected moments when I see the slit of an infants mouth, or the curl of a tiny fist behind the glass, and I run up the steps, back into the open light of sky. I gasp for air and tell myself the past is a distant thing, no longer able to reach me or hurt me. And yet, at times, it seems the past will always send its long thin fingers toward me, reminding me of all I want to forget."

Tomato Girl is far and above the best book I have read this year. In fact, it may be the best book I have read in a decade. True, it is dark and haunting... so much so that when I fell asleep at 4:00 in the morning after finishing the book, I dreamed of the child Ellie, and in my sleep I wept for her. Yet Tomato Girl is also beautiful because it is a love story... not a pretty love story, but a love story of human nature and of what love leads people to do.

Until yesterday, I had not heard of this book. Where have I been? Why are people not talking about Tomato Girl? Why have I not seen this book lining recommended reading shelves? I accidentally stumbled across the book while shopping at Costco, and I purchased it without having ever heard of the author or the title, which is why I am sharing the information with others - run, don't walk, to your nearest bookstore and buy this book. It is a must read because although the story is haunting, this is a story that will never be forgotten, and the ending gives hope in spite of the darkness that was Ellie's life.

Tomato Girl is the perfect book club book, and it will most certainly be my selection when it is my turn next to pick. Readers will discover much depth in the quirky and unusual characters as the story twists and turns over the course of one spring. Ms. Pupek draws a unique picture of a small southern community that suspects but doesn't realize the severity of the mental illness Ellie's mother suffers. Tomato Girl is the story of a family that comes apart while trying to hide a secret. It is the story of the community that does the best they know how for an eleven year old girl whose sole desire is to protect her father and take care of her mother. It is a story of love.

Publisher's Weekly writes: "Absorbing, unsettling... [An] accomplished debut."

After reading Tomato Girl, I have to agree with Publisher's Weekly - I am left a bit unsettled, and yet the story touched me to the core. I anxiously await future books by this author.

Thanksgiving - Then & Now

On a cold and rainy November day in 1991, Jeff, Alyssa, a dog, a cat, and a very pregnant Kelly boarded a plane and moved from the Pacific Northwest to Wisconsin. I was scared to death... not because of the flight or the weather, but because of the move. My mom kept telling me that it was an adventure - I didn't want an adventure. All I wanted was to enjoy my babies surrounded by my extended family. Of course, life doesn't always go the way we plan, and so off on an adventure I went.

That was seventeen years ago. The first night we lived in Wisconsin, it snowed 15 inches. I had never seen so much snow in my entire life, and I learned right away that snow was not something I would ever learn to love. The first week we lived there, I didn't leave the house because 1) I didn't know how to drive in the snow, and 2) my pregnant belly was too large to fit behind the wheel of a car... I couldn't have reached the pedals to drive even if I would have fit in the car - I was HUGE (and oh-so emotional). Life in Wisconsin was not off to a good start, and because it was the week before Thanksgiving, I honestly thought I would die of homesickness.

Come Thanksgiving day, I tried to make the best of what I considered to be the worst possible situation in the world, and I cooked a turkey. It was my first Thanksgiving away from home in all of my 28 years, and I called my mom a million times asking for cooking instructions and begging for updates as to what was happening at her house - the only place I wanted to be on Thanksgiving day. I don't remember how the turkey turned out, but I will never forget all that snow. I also remember crying so hard that I couldn't breathe. And I remember sitting on the bathroom floor talking to my mom on the phone saying over and over again that I wanted to go home.

Since that long ago Thanksgiving day, I have spent only two Thanksgivings with my extended family. Through the years, I have come to resent the holiday because it always reminds me of those feelings of helplessness and aloneness that scarred me so deeply as I sat on that bathroom floor and sobbed my eyes out.  In fact, I have not looked at the pictures posted above in seventeen years because up until now, I couldn't bear to relive the day we moved away from my beloved Pacific Northwest and my wonderful family.

So what makes me write about this now? Not much has changed. We still live far away from my family. I still won't be with my mom on Thanksgiving. I still have to cook a turkey and pretend that I am happy spending an entire day in the kitchen (for those who don't know - I despise cooking, and I do so as little as possible. I have, however, learned how to make a mean turkey, although it is not something I particularly enjoy doing). Well... what makes it different is that this year I have the honor and the pleasure to be the hostess to my brother, Lon, and his wife, Debbie, and their son, Casey... my FAMILY! On Thursday, they are driving to Virginia from Pennsylvania and will be spending part of the weekend in our home. They will sit at my table and eat the turkey that I have cooked - and this year, I don't even mind cooking. And... they are bringing their dog! That means we will have seven people and three dogs celebrating and giving thanks... in MY home! I won't have to pretend to be happy this year... my heart will overflow with joy.

Seventeen years... that is how long I have waited for extended family members to join us at our Thanksgiving table. I almost don't know what to do when it comes to adding more than the 4Edges to the mix. I'm giddy with delight over this turn of events, and for the first time since I sat on the bathroom floor and cried, I am looking forward to the holiday.

Today I can finally look back at then, as I excitedly experience now, and I sincerely give thanks.

I sewed. And I sewed. And I sewed some more.

Three weeks ago, I was in a really bad place. Emotionally, I was wiped out, and with no end in sight to all of John's medical problems, I was not coping well. I was mad at the world, I cried all the time, and I didn't like myself. The final straw came when I realized I was also angry at John for not being in school, and I was frustrated with my little dog because she now wears diapers. Okay... mad at a sick child? Frustrated with a crippled dog? What kind of person has those feelings? A not nice person, that's who.

Enough was enough, and so out of necessity, I knew I had to take matters into my own hands. And even though I still had to deal with medical appointments, nurse visits, tutoring red tape, an unhappy teenager and a handicapped dog, I realized that I had to find time to do something that made me happy - because the truth of the matter is that if I am not emotionally well, everything else is going to fall apart.

So what I did was get out the sewing machine. I took over the family room and the kitchen because in spite of the fact that my sewing room has now become the nurse station and the school room, that doesn't mean I have to give up sewing entirely. You see, I was mad about that too... I was angry that I'd lost my happy place, and I was taking it out on everyone, including the dog. Once I realized that I needed to be a tad bit more flexible with where and when I sew, I was able to begin letting go of the mad. And so I sewed.  And I sewed, and I sewed, and I sewed. Morning, noon and night, I sewed. I sewed while the nurse was here and I sewed before and after medical appointments. I became obsessed with sewing. And the more I sewed, the happier I became.

Thankfully, Christmas is right around the corner and I was able to focus on making gifts. There is just something about making things for others that gives me a feeling of contentment... I think it is because when I am making something to give away, I don't feel as selfish about taking the time to do what I love.

Whatever the reason, whatever the cause, I am happy to say that I'm doing better, and the reason I've not taken the time to update the blog is because I've been too busy sewing!

Here are a couple things I've been working on - rag quilts for my niece and nephews. I've got one more to make and am hoping to get it done the first week in December. Mailing these is going to be a challenge. I'm guessing that I'll need to go to the UPS store and ask for assistance.

  

And did I mention that when I'm not sewing, I've been crocheting? I do that at night when it gets too dark to see the sewing machine stitches. Yarn is so much easier to work with in the dark :-)

 

I also made a holiday apron. It is designed like a painter's smock in a wrap-around style. The apron turned out cute, but it is too big to give to my mom - she would swim in it. So now I have an apron with no recipient. I've not yet decided what to do with it.

 

For those who are curious as to how John is doing, I can report that we finally have tutors. It took 48 days for the school district to process the request, but after waiting for over six weeks, we are off and running with John's home-bound schooling. The good news is that the English and History tutor is fantastic and she was well worth waiting for - she's a perfect fit! The math tutor teaches pre-calc at the neighboring high school, so he is well qualified for the job and John seemed comfortable with him. We are still waiting for a chemistry tutor, but I have high hopes that we will be seeing one soon. I feel like I am running a private school with all the comings and goings of these people. They carry around a lot of books and a ton of paperwork!

Last week John had a ten hour infusion from hell. The nurse was so upset that she had to call in her supervisor to come help with the procedure. John later told me that it was the worst experience of his life (no doubt - there was blood everywhere, and I had to bribe him with a new video game in order for him not to walk out of the house with tubes hanging from his arms - it was a complete nightmare). He then told me that he will now consider the doctor's suggestion that we switch the procedure to weekly subcutaneous infusions which would be self administered serum injections once a week, alleviating the need for a nurse. John said that he no longer trusts the nurses to do it right <--- I can't blame him, I don't trust them either.

After John's infusion from hell, he had oral surgery on Thursday. The intention was to remove two wisdom teeth that are putting pressure on his sinus cavities. When the surgeon got in John's mouth, it was discovered that John has cysts growing around the bone. No wonder he feels such pressure! The doctor removed two teeth and the cyst and John is now recovering. It has been a painful recovery because of all the digging that they had to do. Unfortunately, another surgery is required next month to remove two more teeth and another cyst.

I feel so badly for John. He has had a rough few months and he is now beyond stir crazy. I think he even misses Alyssa because even though they used to fight all the time, the fighting at least broke up the monotony of the day!

Speaking of Alyssa, she is beginning to feel the pressure of college. The newness is wearing off and the reality of the task is firmly taking hold. She's taken to calling me every day, and she begins and ends each phone call with, "I can't wait to come home." I think that after she is home for a few days, she's going to think that college is much more appealing - our house is boring when compared to a college campus!

Last night while John's math tutor was here, I ran to Michaels and purchased more yarn. And since JoAnn's is right next to Michaels, I also purchased more fabric. I am serious when I say that I cannot stop sewing. It's become an obsession. But in the grand scheme of things, I think that being obsessed with sewing is far better than being mad at a sick child or being frustrated with the dog. In fact, it's pretty safe to say that my obsession with sewing has alleviated my feelings of anger altogether, which was the intention all along. Sewing replaced my mad! Who knew it would work like that?

Happy Things

Because the title "Skunk Guts" is not very appealing, I am posting a new entry in an effort to move the words skunk guts from the top of the screen. Life is still filled with skunk guts - a horrible-awful-really-bad infusion experience on Tuesday, a waste of time Neurology appointment this morning, continued waiting for home-bound approval, and one very angry sixteen year old boy - but just because we have an abundance of skunk guts, doesn't mean that everything stinks.

So this post is going to be all about happy things - the little things that have made me smile today - because, believe it or not, there really are some happy things around here!

First of all, the coolest birthday card I have ever received:

 

It is a pop up card that turns into a darling little birthday cake. It has gold jewels that create the flames and a really neat glitter glaze is done on the plate. I love this card so much that I may never put it away. Leave it to my clever sister in law, Debbie, to find something that would make me smile. She always comes up with the most unique things. My sister, Jenny, and I always say that Debbie makes us look bad because there is no way we could ever keep up with her clever ideas. We think that Debbie must have a secret stash that she adds to all year long because she always gives the best gifts. And her wrapping techniques - they are to die for!

Speaking of Debbie's unique gifts, take a look at this great necklace she gave me:

 

The necklace came with a bag of marbles that contains every color imaginable. The marbles are interchangeable and very easy to snap in and out of the hanging charm piece. I'm grateful that Debbie keeps me trendy because, to be perfectly honest, I've fallen behind the times lately and I have begun feeling a bit frumpy and out of style. Alyssa has always helped me keep up with the appropriate trendy "mom" accessories, but since she's gone, I've been feeling a bit out of my element. Debbie to the rescue!

And how 'bout this:

 

My mom made her first ever online purchase! This was a BIG DEAL and it may have opened a whole new world to her <:giggle:>. Two things about this gift: 1) it is so "me", and 2) I am touched that my mom would venture out of her comfort zone to make sure I had the perfect birthday gift this year. I can't wait to make a day trip to Borders. I plan on spending hours there!

My iPod seems to be working now (thank goodness for that small miracle), and I have been turning on my tunes every opportunity I find... you know... in an effort to play catch up with all those days that the iPod was acting wonky and I had to do without. What I discovered after not listening to anything but the radio for the past month is that I have music on my iPod that I've not ever listened to. That is just wrong. And so when the iPod decided to start working again (I swear, these things have a mind of their own), I decided to listen to the songs I've neglected:

 

She just keeps getting better! Her songs make me want to dance. And when I hear her sing "I'll Stand by You" I cry... every. single. time. How could I have forgotten I added this CD last year? My bad.

Alyssa introduced me to Taylor Swift last summer. And since then, I have come to love her music. I can't wait for this album to be released next month:

   

I've been listening to the short clips on iTunes and I already know the songs will be added to my most played list. For someone so young, this girl can sure sing! And cute... oh my gosh... she's adorable!

So there you have it - my happy things for the day. I keep reminding myself that it's the little things in life that we come to cherish over time, and my sincere desire is to surround myself with every single happy thing I can find, because at the end of the day, happy little things are what keep me hanging on as I deal with the ugly bigger things.

Skunk Guts

Last Friday night, while driving home in the dark after dropping John off at the high school homecoming football game, I drove over some skunk guts. Those skunk guts made my pretty new Volvo stink to high heaven. I was so mad! The next morning, our garage smelled like skunk guts and the stench in my car was even worse. Yuck. How does a person remove the smell of skunk guts? The answer is you don't - you just have to wait it out. And so that's what I've been doing. Today the smell seems to be gone - thank goodness for that small favor.

While spending the weekend suffering the smell of skunk guts permeating my air, I concluded that skunk guts pretty much sum up where I'm at... things stink! But the good news is, eventually the smell goes away and I realize that things will someday return to normal.

So that's what this blog entry is about: the skunk guts I am dealing with. I thought the analogy was appropriate.

Recently I've received quite a few emails from friends and family wondering where the heck I've been. I keep meaning to take a minute to post an update on what is happening... but every time I think about it, I become overwhelmed with the thought of explaining this mess we are in. Plus... pictures. I like to blog with pictures... and coming up with pictures of my recent activities has been a stretch (no one wants to look at skunk guts!). However, the good news is that I played with pictures last weekend, so I now have a lot of visuals to add. YAY! So here we go...

In a nutshell: I'm spending another day waiting for yet another phone call from the school or the doctor or the nurse or all three. It seems as though my entire life is now consumed with bureaucratic red tape as I try to coordinate John's health care and educational needs.

Where we are at: John's immune system crashed when Jeff's sisters were here. It was very frightening and really insane trying to deal with John while attempting to entertain (or not) Jeff's family at the same time. Prior to this visit, we'd not seen one of the sisters for 7 years and the other sister for 14 years, so they had no idea what was going on. In the end, they left early, and I will always feel bad about that. But during the short time they were here, I managed to take a few pictures. Here are the best of the best:

Since then, John's health has continued to deteriorate. He's missed so much school due to home health care nurse visits and infusions, as well as with a bazillion medical tests and doctor appointments, that the Immunologist and the school requested that he receive home bound study. Home bound study provides a tutor in the home who will work around the medical needs and appointments.

So... that is good... other than the red tape involved has made this a nightmare. Three weeks later, a million phone calls into it, and about 30 faxed forms, and he is STILL not receiving home bound studies. That means he is still required by law to attend school - which is hit and miss at best, because 1) he doesn't feel well, and 2) he has so many appointments.

Additionally, we are dealing with a new nursing company (the company who provides the in-home care on the days that John receives gamma globulin infusions), and the company is disorganized and much more stringent about how they do things.... which means even more phone calls and paperwork on my part.

In the middle of medical appointments and trying to coordinate all this, the high school has decided that if at all possible, John should try to attend one class a day at the school. The reasons for this are varied, but after several meetings up at the school, I am now in agreement with this plan. So that means revised paperwork and processing a new request for home-bound. In the end, this will be the best thing because it will allow John a special status (don't know much about this part) on his college applications, meaning the high school counselor will provide a cover letter and a phone call conference with every single school he applies to. Right now, this is a top priority since he is failing his classes and his GPA is going down the drain. With the special status, there will be an explanation of what happened during his junior year and they will verbally discuss John's potential with the colleges he wants to attend. At this point, the special status is the ONLY way he will get into college, so we really need that.

In the meantime, John is muddling through as best as he can, and I am making every effort not to smother him as he continues to try to have a normal, active teenage life. Last weekend, John and Taylor attended the DHS Homecoming Dance. He rested all day prior to the dance and seemed to be feeling pretty well before he left. After the dance, he told me it was the best dance that he's ever gone to, so I think they had fun. I count my blessings with each and every smile he shares, and this smile was hard earned and well deserved!

Through it all, in spite of the handful of smiles we see, John's emotional state of mind is a mess. He is dealing with a whole lot of anger - anger towards the doctors, the school, and most of all me. He just wants to get well and be normal, and he claims that the infusions are a waste of time because he says they don't work. Unfortunately, it will take 6-8 infusions before he begins to feel better and stronger. His numbers were at 502 when he crashed. A healthy person's low average number is 1800, so 500 was potentially life threatening. Had John been exposed to the flu with those numbers, he could have died. And a cold will turn into pneumonia... which is another reason to keep him out of school for a while. The request was for 90 days, but at this point, home bound has not even started yet, so who knows how long it will last?

To answer burning questions about how *I* am doing... I'm hanging in there. After 4 weeks of dealing with this, I am finally accepting and adjusting to my new normal. I don't like it, and I'm still hurting and angry (at everyone and everything), but I'm slowly beginning to accept things for what they are: skunk guts! It took me a long time to reach this point - many sleepless nights and a whole lot of denial - but each day is a little better for me. When all this happened, I told Jeff that he was either with me or against me, but that my priority was John and that he could support me or fight it... either way, I was going forward with my plan of action, which was to be tenacious in my pursuit of doing what is best for my son. Jeff jumped on board and has been wonderful. He's still in denial, but he is supporting me as best as he knows how.

To keep myself from going insane, I've spent a lot of late nights reading. My chosen genre is fantasy because it is as far from my reality as I can get. It allows me an escape of sorts. I've read the entire Southern Vampire series (True Blood on HBO is based upon these books), and now I'm searching for something new. If someone had asked me six months ago if I would enjoy anything vampire, I would have laughed out loud. Vampires? Me? Not a good combination because I'm a fraidy-cat. However, after dealing with my own personal drama for the past month, I've decided that vampires are pretty tame in comparison. So vampires it is! Sookie Stackhouse is a hoot, and I giggled non-stop as I plowed through all eight books.

I've also been crocheting, because for some reason I find that it relaxes me - I find the repetitive nature of the stitches and the counting to be soothing. Here are a couple of my recent projects:

 

 

Last week I ordered a bunch of quilting patterns and I am hoping to begin sewing some Christmas projects as soon as we get this home-bound study request processed, because once that is processed, we may be able to develop an actual daily routine. Right now, every day is chaos because I never know if John will need to come home from school (this happens a LOT), and there always seem to be last minute doctor appointments as the docs think of new tests and procedures to try.

Alyssa has been home twice during this crisis because 1) she is worried about John, and 2) she came home to celebrate my b-day with me. We attended a craft show together as our annual celebration and it was so good to see her. She is thriving in college and is very happy, which in turn makes me very happy. I'm so glad that she is living her own life away from what is happening with John. She has always hated that he requires so much of my time and energy, so it is good that she doesn't have to deal with that anymore. Here are a couple of pictures I snagged from her Shutterfly account. I think they show how much fun she is having living the college life:

 

So that's where we are. John has an infusion scheduled tomorrow (8 hour in-home procedure), as well as two medical appointments on Wednesday. We are hoping that home-bound studies begin this week, but at this point, I have no idea where the district is in regard to the paperwork. We may have one more week to wait as they consider the request and line up a tutor and his lesson plans. I've been told that the request will be approved... so I have no idea what the hold up is.

Thank you to everyone for thinking of us, and thank you for knowing me well enough to understand why I've not taken the time to touch bases. I've worried about my friendships, but keep telling myself that my forever friends will understand and will forgive me. And a huge, giant, colossal thank you to all of my friends and family who sent birthday wishes. Your kind thoughts meant more than words can say. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making my birthday special.

Skunk guts... they stink. But when all is said and done, the smell does go away, and I know that in the end, the same thing is going to happen with this mess we are in. I have faith that John is going to get better and that he is going to have the quality of life that he deserves, because after this weekend, I am convinced that no one has to live with skunk guts forever.

I am a nurse - kind of... sort of... not really. But I feel like one, so that counts for something.

^^^ that is the title of the somewhat witty, a little bit entertaining, and a whole lot of interesting entry I have composed in my head. I've been working on it since I woke up this morning. It includes the conversation with my husband as he informed me that I forgot to brush my teeth today. The first clue? My toothbrush was sitting on the counter with a big blob of untouched toothpaste. The story continues with my response about the dog getting sick while I was preparing for said toothbrushing. And then the entry goes on to tell about the other dog falling down the stairs while in her wheelchair as I scrambled to usher her still puking doggy brother out the back door (I hate dog puke!). I include more about my day by sharing the fact that I met the medical supply delivery guy in the driveway while still wearing my pajamas and the tidbit about me holding the phone to my ear as I awaited doctor's orders while multi-tasking in an attempt to add some mascara to my lashes (not recommended). And then I get to the part about the new nurse (not me, but a real nurse), the mean English teacher (I want to strangle the woman), and the 100 phone calls, 7 doctor appointments, 12 trips to the pharmacy, and eating dinner at 4:30 last night (also not recommended, because by the time 10:00 rolls around, you will be ready for breakfast). Thus, the whole I am a nurse - kind of... sort of... not really. But I feel like one, so that counts for something title.

Alas, that's all I have for you because to be completely honest, I am worn out and it is just too much to put into words. And so to summarize in a non-witty, not the least bit entertaining, and completely uninteresting manner: John's immune system began to shut down several days ago and it has been a mad scramble for answers, solutions, and help as I have tried my best to keep him out of the hospital. He's already missed seven days of school (we are only in week 4, so seven days is extensive). He's sick. He's unhappy. He's becoming belligerent. And I am at my wits end.

For those who have followed this saga, I'm sure that you are aware that if we have a nurse in our home, things are not good. The flip side of the nurse thing is that having a nurse in our home means that the doctors are sensing the urgency of this problem and they are working with me trying to keep John out of the hospital. So that's good.

And since I am being honest, I will add that all I really want to do today is take a nap to escape this nightmare. Unfortunately, there is a real nurse in my house, and I doubt she would appreciate a napping mother. Additionally, the other real nurses at the doctor's office keep calling me, so the quality of the nap would be completely compromised due to a phone that won't stop ringing. Thus, the nap will have to wait.

In other news as I push aside my intense longing for a nap, I was going to add to the original entry that will remain forever composed in my mind, never to be seen on computer screen or paper, this visual tidbit:

Okay, I know that this is the same image I used last year for the Grey's Anatomy Season Premier. But seriously... if I don't even have time to brush my teeth, it's a given that I don't have time to mess around with my Grey's Anatomy photos (and yes, I have an entire photo file dedicated to my favorite show in the history of television).  Grey's Anatomy is my happy place, and I am in some serious need of happy right now. I've been looking forward to the 2 hour season premier for weeks, and knowing that my wait has finally been whittled down to only one more night fills me with delight.

I. Can't. Wait.

And with that, I'm off to check on the nurse... the real one, not myself, for I fear that if I were to take the time to check on my actual self, I may find that I have forgotten a whole lot more than just brushing my teeth.

I'll see y'all on the other side of Grey's! Enjoy the show.

Note: teeth have since been brushed, scrubbed, flossed, and shined. I should be good to go for the rest of the day!

~ Feeling Patriotic ~

Yesterday I decided to take a break from getting ready for my company so that I could attend the McCain-Palin Road to Victory rally. I figured that mopping my floors was not nearly as important as witnessing history in the making, and so off I went to join thousands of people in what was my first political rally.

From early on, I was taught that religion and politics are two subjects that are private, personal, and not to be discussed in polite company. But because Sarah Palin seems to be the topic of interest right now, I have chosen to break social rules and share a few thoughts and a couple of pictures I took.

This was my first time attending a political event, and I will admit that it was awe inspiring to see so many Americans come together to show support for the presidential candidate and his running mate. What my decision boiled down to was Sarah Palin... I wanted to hear her speak and to witness first hand the change that has occurred in what I consider to be an otherwise crummy election season. I was not disappointed. She is a down-to-earth-everyday-girl. I liked her before I attended the rally, and I like her even more after seeing her in person. And even if McCain-Palin do not take office this year, I am so encouraged to see a woman have such an impact on a single election.

Because there were so many people at the rally, I ended up standing behind the media, which is not the ideal location for taking pictures. But since this was a first in my life, I tried to document it in some way. These are the best of the bunch - and they really aren't very good :giggle:. But, hey! I was there, and this is my proof, along with buttons, bumper stickers, and posters <--- all of which will remain tucked away as to not break the social rules I was raised to honor.

I left the rally feeling very patriotic, and I can honestly say that this election has taken on a whole new meaning to me - something that makes me happy because I like knowing that I am a part of the electoral process, and it feels good knowing that I have taken the time to become better educated and more aware of what is at stake.

Before I attended the rally, I was sitting on the fence. Today... I got off the fence.

And with that, I will close because the truth is, I am really uncomfortable talking about politics! No wonder there is an unwritten social rule that it is impolite to do so.

In other news: my company still have not arrived, but I expect to see them soon. At least I hope to see them soon. Waiting is no fun at all, and at this rate, I'm going to have to do the housework all over again if they don't get here today.

Pretty Things

This post in lieu of housework, because I am nothing if not the Queen of Procrastination.

Several years ago, I hired a guy named Frank to design the window treatments for my new home. It took months to cover all the windows, and while the window treatments were being made I met with Frank almost weekly to go over color swatches, measurements and the ever important budget. By the time my windows were all "dressed" Frank and I had developed a good working relationship - or so I thought! When the task was finally complete and my windows were looking ever so lovely, Frank commented that I had been an interesting customer. And then he told me that he had never worked with anyone who was so concerned about "pretty things." He said he'd had customers who cared about style and function, customers who wanted modern and trendy, and customers who were only concerned about color and design... but he had never had a customer whose sole intent was to be surrounded by pretty things.

Ever since Frank made that comment, I've paid attention to my innate desire to make things pretty. Frank was right! Pretty is important to me, and I think the reason is because when I see pretty I feel happy. Shabby, old, dirty, dull... those things depress me. And when I really stop to think about it, it makes sense that I am forevermore trying to pretty-up my life - pretty means happy and happy means content. I am all about contentment because when I am content, life is good!

And so in keeping with my intention to keep the blog pretty (see! This desire for pretty extends far beyond my surroundings), I've decided to share some of the pretty things I did last week while preparing for my company. Keeping in mind that I did not have time to make over an entire room, instead I chose to give little make overs to the rooms the company will spend the most time.

The first make over was to the digital frame that sits on the side buffet in my kitchen. A weird thing to make over, but I had a reason: I remembered that when my family was here in June, we all congregated in the kitchen to drink our morning coffee and pass the time between events. I also remembered that I was kicking myself for not updating the photos in the digital frame before they arrived because most of the pictures in the frame were pictures I'd added long ago to my mom's iPod, and the majority of the pictures were taken by my sister. Boring. Uninteresting. And the ever dreaded DULL.

I've mentioned in the past about using the digital frame as a digital scrapbook - which in essence means adding digital pages rather than single picture files. I've discovered that this is a fun way to showcase multiple pictures on a single screen, and it is also a great excuse to play with Photoshop, which is so much easier than actual scrapbooking and far more fun than doing housework to prepare for guests. In the end, I made nine new digital pages on Friday. Most of them were quick and easy, using basically the same design concept because 1) 6.5 x 4.5 is a really weird size to work with, and 2) my goal was volume not design.

Here are three of the pages I threw together. These pages show what I actually do with the pictures after I post them on the blog (all nine pages can be seen in my Facebook photo album titled Digi pages for the digi frame):

And so although I couldn't make over my kitchen before the company arrive, I'm hoping the colorful pages add something new and pretty to the mix. And if not, at least I found a good excuse to procrastinate doing the housework!

The other touch of pretty I added to the house was a new afghan to drape over the back of the sofa in the family room. The old afghan matched perfectly, but it had balled up a bit from so many washings and it has faded a lot from the direct sunlight - so it was time to retire the afghan to a less obvious location (like the bedroom). Plus... I was tired of it... and it was nine years old... the sofa needed a splash of color and something new - what better way to achieve that than crocheting a brand new afghan? Which is exactly what I did. I started the afghan the evening Alyssa left for college (that's called nesting), and since the pattern was a simple zig-zag I was able to finish it in about ten days. Voila! A face-lift for the sofa and a lot of color added to the room. To make this afghan I used the Lion Brand Homespun yarn, which is actually strands of thread and fiber woven to create a string of yarn. The yarn has a ton of texture and although it is a tad bit difficult to work with, it makes up like a dream. Here are pictures of the finished project:

The digi pages and afghan were all I had time to complete before the company arrive mid-week. I wish I would have had time to make over the upstairs hall wall. It is a mess. But that project involves spackle and paint, new shelves and new photo frames, and about a week of my time in order to do it right. I'm thinking the hall wall project will be saved for January when I have nothing but time on my hands and long, dreary days ahead. Until then, my two pretty little make overs will have to do because at the end of the day, a visit from family is not about pretty things and make overs at all... it's about the history and memories and sharing, which is exactly what I am looking forward to this week while Jeff's sisters are here.

Randomness [<--- is that a word?]

These flowers make me smile.

Late last spring, Alyssa decided she wanted to plant a garden and so she went to Target and bought packets of seeds. She then rummaged around under our deck and dug out some old planter boxes. She filled them with dirt, scattered the seeds, added some Miracle Grow, and placed the boxes outside my kitchen window. All summer long we waited for flowers wondering what her green thumb would cultivate. She ran off the squirrels hourly. She watered the dirt daily. And she moved the boxes from sun spot to sun spot every single week. By the time she left for college, she had pretty much decided that the squirrels had won the battle and that her garden was a bust because after three months, there were still no flowers in sight.

Not long after she left, I peeked out my window one morning and noticed a sea of tiny pink and purple flower buds. Alyssa's garden is finally growing! What a nice surprise, and what a special reminder that, although she is no longer living at home, her special touch remains.

Randomness (I really don't think that is a word!):

• High school is back in session. John is on day three. Unfortunately, on day two, he spent two hours in the vice principal's office. He took a stance, which was a risk, and ended up paying for it in spades - thus, his first visit to the principal this year. What gets me is that most of the time he was in her office (an office I am intimately familiar with, having attended more than one meeting there), she was attending meetings, so he sat alone missing chemistry and lunch. My question is this: why did she not send him back to class and address the problem after school? I don't understand how making a kid sit in an empty office gains anything - especially when said kid did nothing to disrupt or disturb classes in the first place. I'm all for appropriate punishment, and I don't dispute that John probably deserved just that, because it sounds like he was disrespectful in his comments to her. But I take issue with the fact that John was not allowed to attend his first day of chemistry class. In my mind, there is something wrong with how the situation was handled. For now, I'm staying out of it. But if this continues, I, too, will be spending time in her office.
• We have company coming next week. I like company and I am excited for their visit. I only wish I would have known about it sooner because getting ready for company is a month long ordeal for me. Remember last spring when I spent six weeks sewing and painting before my family arrived? That's what I like to do before people come to my home - I like to spiff everything up and give mini make-overs to the house. I won't have time to do that now because my company arrive in less than a week. I'm a tad bit stressed.
• Speaking of company... my vacuum is broken. Great timing - NOT! It needs a part, so there is no way it will be repaired prior to our company's arrival. I've got a back up vacuum, but it doesn't have attachments. Can I just admit that I'm stressing over this as well?
• And speaking of broken... my iPod is broken, which, in turn, breaks my heart. I'm having a difficult time getting jazzed up for a major "company is coming" housecleaning without the companionship of my iPod. Currently, we are looking into purchasing a program that will back up my iTunes Library. The program is only $20 - so it's a good investment - but if my iPod doesn't unfreeze long enough to pull up the library, the program is going to do me no good. Another little glitch in this plan is that I need to find 50+G of memory to store my back up library because that is how much stuff I have on my iPod. 50 gig is a lot! I think I'm going to need another external hard drive. This iPod boo boo is costing me more than a heartache.
• About heartache... my heart no longer aches over Alyssa's departure, and here is why: Alyssa is so happy! She is loving college and she is adjusting very easily. And in the end, that is all a mother could wish for. So after a summer of agony, I have come to realize that a happy college student makes up for every ounce of trepidation I experienced.
• No segue in to this, so it is very random... I am lacking in photo subjects and I miss taking pictures (thus the flowers and the picture of the dog below, I was desperate). How on earth am I going to keep my blog looking pretty if I don't have pictures? I've been thinking about this a lot and I've come to the conclusion that I need to start sewing and scrapbooking and crocheting again because dressing up the blog with inanimate objects is better than nothing.
• Sewing... one of my favorite subjects. The new season of Bravo's Project Runway is well underway. I TiVo the show every week and I watch the episodes over and over again. There is just something about this show that inspires me. If I were twenty years younger, I'd try out for Project Runway in a heartbeat. Heck, if I were twenty years younger, I'd go to Parson's School of Design just to learn how they do the things they do.
• TiVo... mine is working overtime on Wednesday nights. Thursday used to be the day for Must See TV. Lately, Wednesday has become my Must See TV. I've got Project Runway, Top Design, and last night a new cycle of America's Next Top Model began <--- okay, I know there is the tranny gimmick this season, but after watching the two hour premiere, I still think I'm going to enjoy this cycle. If they focus heavily on the tranny... maybe not... but the tranny can model... so who knows what they have in store for us.
• About Thursday being a Must See TV night... I've got it marked on my calendar in SHARPIE MARKER! The countdown has begun for the premiere episode of Grey's Anatomy, Season 5. Three words about that: I. Can't. Wait.

And that, my friends, is about as random as I get. Sadly, this is how my mind works 24/7. It drives John crazy. He tells me that I wear him out when I'm talking because it is so hard to keep up with the randomness of it all. And again... there's that word: RANDOMNESS. I'm pretty sure it's not a word, but certainly sounds good when describing my thought patterns.

One more random item - another picture. This time of my dog because she doesn't gripe and moan when she sees the camera. Misty's back has gone out again, so I took this picture holding her in my lap with one arm while I held the camera out with the other. I'm telling you - I am in dire straights when it comes to photo subjects right now. It's always bad when I have to resort to taking a picture of myself holding the dog.

Edited to add: I looked it up! Randomness is in fact a word. Who knew?

The first phone call home...

I woke up this morning knowing that I had very little on my agenda. This is how it has been since we dropped Alyssa off at college - I am feeling a bit lost, because even though John is still at home, he requires not nearly the time and energy that was required for my girl-child. And for this reason, there are great big gaps in my day where I find myself wandering aimlessly lost and confused.

As I was thinking about the lost feeling in my heart, I realized that I have nothing to talk about right now. Seriously. I am boring. Is this what it is going to be like for the rest of my life? I didn't realize that my entire life was so wrapped up in the care and keeping of my children. There has got to be more that defines me than being a mother. That is only one aspect of who I am. But for some reason, I have lost the rest of me. I don't even know myself anymore if I am not mothering my children.

NOTE TO SELF: Make some changes. Become interesting. Redefine who you are.

And so with that thought in mind, off I went to Costco for no reason other than to fill the tank up with gas and to get out of the house. While out and about, I decided to stop by Starbucks, because... well... that's what real grown ups do. And that, my friends, sums up my day. Boring. I'm telling you... I am boring.

When I returned home after only being away for a short time, the phone rang - the real phone, not my cell phone. I never get excited when the real phone rings since no one of interest calls on that phone anymore. When I glanced at the caller id, I saw Alyssa's name. YIPPEE! The first call since she has left my nest (high fives to me for not being the mom who can't leave her alone and who calls her and bugs her every single day - I have not done that, and I know I won't because this is her time). I have to admit, it was wonderful to hear her voice. And, as expected, she is busy and happy and enjoying living on campus. My heart soared.

A few highlights from this, the all-important first call:

• The girls decided to debunk the beds. They have now moved them into a big row and are sleeping side-by-side-by-side. Alyssa described it as one great big giant king sized bed. She loves the set up, but needs more blankets.
• One of the roommates is a slob. This bothers her a lot, but she still likes the girl.
• Another roommate is using Alyssa's desk as a dumping ground. Alyssa is hoping she figures out a way to handle the situation because it is unacceptable.
• Since their room is the first room on the first floor, they have opted to leave their door open whenever someone is "home." Their room is quickly becoming the gathering place for the entire first floor and there are always more than the original five roommates in the room. This delights Alyssa and she says she is loving making so many new friends.
• Taking  pictures is fun, "and by the way, Mom, I used your Shutterfly account to order prints."
• Last weekend all five roommates headed to Washington DC and spent a night on the town. Alyssa said it was a blast.
• She has not gone to bed before 3:00 in the morning since moving into the dorm. One night they stayed up until 5:00 and then headed off for their classes at 7:30. She's tired, but doesn't want to take a nap. And so begins her next 4 years.
• Since she only signed up for 10 meals a week, she is hungry. Could she please change her meal plan to include 15 meals a week?
• Sorority week is September 11. Alyssa is all about going Greek. She can't wait to pledge, but "Bummer that the dues are so high, mom, because dad told me I had to pay for those myself." <-- yep, she does [smile].
• Tuesday is the best day of the week because she only has one class and it is over by 11:30.
• "Art supplies are expensive, but I love the class and I am glad I decided to take it." This class is absolutely perfect for her, and I, too, am glad she decided to take it.
• Life in the dorm stops when "The Hills" comes on. Everyone gathers around the television and watches the show. They are planning to make this a weekly event.
• She needs a printer, so she's going to buy one tonight using a new friend's employee discount.
• And one final thing that she told her dad, but neglected to mention to me: "I joined the Skydiving Club."

Are you kidding me? The Skydiving Club? My child? Skydiving? Where on earth did that come from? I don't even want to know. Seriously. Do. Not. Tell. Me.

So there you have it, not an entry with pictures (my photo subject has left the building), but a post for anyone who is wondering how I am and how Alyssa is settling in. Based upon this single phone call, it sounds like she is doing fine. There was enthusiasm in her voice, she never once mentioned being homesick (and I will not ask), and she sounded happier than I have heard all summer.

I still haven't cried, and maybe I won't. I think my tears were shed long before she was gone, and I believe those tears prepared me for her leaving. When we dropped her off last week, I experienced a feeling of great satisfaction, and it felt good knowing that I had a hand in helping her reach this point. After talking to Alyssa today, I feel even better. From here on out, she is in control. We gave her the tools and I hope she takes those tools and builds something great. And for that reason alone, I am not sad. In fact, I am happy. Lost. But happy.

And with that in mind, I am going to look for some of my own tools. I know I have them. But they are pretty rusty. I also know that once I find my tools, I am going to have to figure out what to do with them. I might even need new tools, but I'm also hoping that the old tools can be used to rebuild my foundation because once upon a time, I was me... Kelly... not a mom... not a wife... but just me. That's what I am hoping to find again, because when all is said and done, today really is the first day of the rest of my life.

College Bound!

When she was born, I knew she would not be forever in my care. When she started kindergarten, I wanted time to stand still. When she graduated from high school, I began to panic because today was right around the corner and I have been dreading this day for what seems like forever. I've worried for a decade. I've cried for a year. And this summer, I've had a very difficult time accepting that Alyssa has grown up.

I always knew this day would come - and here it is. My long good-bye is over. I am now officially the parent of a college student. And surprisingly, after dropping Alyssa off at her dorm this morning, I am doing okay and I have not shed a single tear. Feeling the excitement as she loaded the car, watching her take charge as she checked into the university, and gazing at the smile on her face has filled my heart with joy. And, finally, I realize that she is going to be just fine. This is her time and she is going to have a blast living on campus as she participates in everything imaginable (she already has a to-do list, which includes joining clubs and campus volunteer work). In fact, I think she is going to excel as she makes this journey, because that's just the way she is - competent, driven and determined - a girl who accepts nothing less than reaching for the stars. Today Alyssa took one more step towards adulthood, and I was so proud of her.

I think this transition will be much more difficult for me than it is for her, and if I keep thinking about it, I will shed the tears that I've been holding back. So I'm not going to do that. Instead, I am going to share some pictures I took this morning because these pictures make me laugh. Photography-wise, these photos aren't worth a thing. Memory-wise, these pictures are priceless - they document the beginning of the rest of her life:

Alyssa took charge of loading the car. She didn't ask for help, and I didn't ask what she had packed (my way of letting go). I laughed out loud when she showed me what the car looked like. One side was loaded from top to bottom, and the other side was packed so tightly that she told me, "it's going to be a snug ride." She was thrilled when she realized that the trunk would not need to be tied down because it actually closed! The picture at the top of this entry shows Alyssa crammed into the mess. It was so crowded that she even had to take her shoes off and hold them in her lap along with the storage bin. But she was happy. And that was what mattered the most.

These are pictures of her dorm room. She will be living in a "quint" with four other girls. All that stuff! Where on earth are they going to put it? And the bed! I do NOT remember my dormitory mattress being so thin... and so plastic... and so close to the ceiling. Alyssa is going to have fun figuring this dorm living thing out. It will be interesting watching her learn to compromise and adjust.

Shortly after the last load was carried into the dorm, the girls decided that they wanted to move the furniture. My husband looked at me and we both burst out laughing. Where on earth were they going to move the furniture to? We couldn't even walk around the room - it was utter chaos and confusion with five girls trying to stake their claim. There was not a single square foot of free space on that floor... moving furniture was going to be a challenge. But the girls were determined - they had already began brainstorming. And that was when we said our good-byes. They didn't need parents watching them set up their first home. In fact, they seemed to have it well under control and they were absolutely giddy with excitement as they experienced the first moments of college life. What surprised me the most was that the girls seemed so comfortable that they were already asking neighbors and volunteers to help them rearrange their room. It was obvious that they were more than ready for us to be gone, and so we quickly and quietly made our exit.

It was a big day all the way around - one of those red letter days that a person never seems to forget. The pictures show the things I will remember when I look back on today. I will also remember the smile on Alyssa's face and the excitement in her eyes. But most of all, I will remember that when she hugged me good-bye, she thanked me for not crying.

The Summer of My Discontent

Last month I read this book. It stopped me in my tracks and forced me to reevaluate myself as a mother. And although I am nothing like the Cee Cee Wilkes (Lord knows I've never stolen a baby, nor have I ever lived under any name other than my own), I related to how very much Cee Cee Wilkes loved her daughter. When I finished the book, I sent it on to my own mother and I asked her to read it. When she was done, we talked about how the mother in the book was similar to mothers everywhere, because no matter who we are or what we do, we mothers love our children the best we know how, and sometimes, our best does not have the outcome we desire.

All summer long, I've questioned whether I've held on to Alyssa too tightly. And what I've concluded is that Alyssa's answer to that question would be a resounding "yes!" But my response is somewhat different, because the truth is that I knew no other way to love her. I loved her with everything I had, and it might have been more than was necessary. My intent was never to smother... but it seems like that is exactly what I've done. And this summer, as I've been mourning the leaving of my child, she has fought for independence with every ounce of her being. The result has not been pretty: we have been at odds over anything and everything all summer long, and our final days together have been filled with anger and angst.

After an entire summer of discontent, I finally broke down last Friday. I had taken Alyssa to the health department to get a shot that was not available at our doctor's office. What a nightmare. The health department is like the department of immigration - no one speaks English and there are gobs of families with screaming babies and children running wild in a dirty little waiting room. Alyssa and I had to wait for over an hour to get her shot, and she was miffed and cranky the entire time... making sure I knew that she was put out to be subjected to such an afternoon of misery. When we finally were called back into the bowels of hell, we were told that since Alyssa is 18, she could sign her own papers and my presence was unnecessary. Alyssa then asked me to leave the room so that she could take care of her own business - and out I went... to stand in the hall like a little lost puppy. As I stood there feeling worthless and out of place, it was all I could do not to break down in tears. I felt like running through the halls crying, "I don't want her to grow up. I'm not done yet. I'm not ready to let her go." Of course, I managed to keep the tears at bay and the running down the hall scene played out only in my mind. But still... it upset me when I realized that my job is done: I am no longer her guardian or her protector; my role has now changed to that of a distant relation whose only task is to encourage, support and continue to love from afar. Alyssa didn't say a word to me on the way home and it was very difficult not to fall apart in front of her, but since the summer has already gone to hell in an hand basket, I knew that her seeing me cry would only serve as an additional strike against me - so I managed to hold it together with only a sniffle or two. Thank God for sunglasses!

When we got home, Alyssa started clearing out her kitchen cupboard to pack up her food (she has her own cupboard where she keeps things like crystal light and her vitamins). When I looked at that empty cupboard and then looked at the table loaded up with her personal items, I finally fell apart - I had to go up to my room and have a good cry just because it was all too much. And it was at that moment when it hit me that she will be gone in less than a week, and that she won't miss home at all. The thought of not seeing her every day makes me so sad. I want her to be happy and to enjoy college, but it hurts to think that she hates it here so much. Maybe I tried too hard? Maybe I suffocated her and didn't give her room to grow? All I know is that I loved her the only way I know how, and that my love is endless - even when she hurts me. I wish she knew that! I want her to feel that love forever... even when she's gone.

And so to say that this summer has not been the good-bye I'd hoped for would be putting it mildly. Until today, I've been unable to think about it, or to talk about it. And writing about it... well, it took me two months to reach this point. Yesterday, Alyssa and I went out to lunch. It was good - the first peaceful moments we have shared since she graduated. And I felt hope... hope that as we find the balance of our newly defined relationship, we will become friends once more, and that we will each learn to respect the other for loving the best we know how, because at the end of the day, the best is all we can ask for. This summer I've learned that regardless of the hurt we may inflict on each other, the love between a mother and a daughter is worth its weight in gold. I have faith that in time, we will once again delight in the memories as we look toward her future, because without that faith, I would truly be lost when we say good-bye on Friday.

A closing note to those who had given up on there ever being another blog update:

I will always blog... eventually. It is something I do as a way to make sense of life. But I shut down when I am struggling.  I resurface... but sometimes it just takes a while. In the meantime, if you wonder what's going on in my world, I started a Facebook because... well... the administration at GMU encouraged the parents to Facebook. So that's what I did. They claim it is a way to keep in touch (if only briefly) with our freshman college student, but I've got to see that to believe it. Alyssa has yet to accept my Friend Invite. Gotta tell you - at first, joining the FB craze made me feel kind of old. But then I realized it was fun, and silly, and crazy. And to be honest, fun and silly and crazy are fine by me because playing with FB has helped me step away from the discontent as I try to learn something new. So stop by. Write on my wall. Leave me a message. Or, just look at the pictures (some are the same as I post here, but I will add others as time allows). If I'm not blogging, I just might be Facebooking (<-- is that a word?). And if I'm not there... then I am probably reading a book or watching reality television or tending to my sick dog (that's a whole 'nuther post), or, dare I suggest that I might just be losing my mind? I'm in transition mode, so I have no idea what I'll be doing as I adjust to not having Alyssa here every day. I'm redefining my role in life, and it's going to be an interesting journey.

Additional closing comments - good finds this summer:

As I've struggled to make the great escape from reality and keep my cool (in more ways than one), I discovered this country band. I'm adding them to my list of favorite artists because their music is refreshing and new and, well... awesome. If you've not yet heard of the band, head on over to iTunes and listen to some of their songs, I think that even non-country fans will find something to enjoy. I've listened to this CD at least 100 times and I'm sure I will listen to it at least that many times again. Three cheers to Lady Antebellum! Their music makes me smile even when I felt like crying.

And for those who have not yet jumped on the Twilight Saga bandwagon, I offer you this:

Twilight may have been a tad bit juvenile, New Moon may have been filled with teenage angst, Eclipse may have been a bit hard to believe, but Breaking Dawn completes this series in a way that satisfies and ties the entire story together with a wonderful conclusion and an ending that was worth waiting for. I was so pleased with the final installment of this series that after I finished Breaking Dawn, I sat down and reread the books back-to-back-to-back... still juvenile, but the series offers a complete package with a well thought out story that entertains. Maybe I enjoy these books because I live with teenagers and so I "get" where Bella, Edward and Jacob are coming from - I think I must relate to them in a motherly way. Or maybe I enjoy the books because I find vampire love stories to be entertaining. Either way, I loved the final book. Thank you Stephenie Meyer for taking my mind off my daughter while I thought of all things vampire related for an entire week.

So there you have it - the summer of my discontent tied up in a single [lengthy] entry. I am hoping that I quickly recover from the long good-bye and that I am able to become a more interesting person. I'm sure to have more time on my hands, and I should be able to find something fun to do, because the truth is: this summer, I've been downright dull, and even I have been bored with myself.

Grrrr. Teenagers.

Teenagers + Summer = Not My Favorite Combination

Last week goes down in history as being the one single week when every stereotype, cliche and preconceived notion about teenagers came true. If I had it my way, last week would be erased from my life entirely and I would go merrily about the business of being a parent thinking I was possibly doing a good job. As it is, I'm not merry and I'm not doing that great of a job being a parent because last week was the week from hell as far as being a mom goes.

Monday started out with a traumatic break-up between John and his girlfriend, and as the week progressed, the days quickly moved on to be filled with drama and girls, and all sorts of back and forth angst. When all was said and done, John had gotten into a fight, dislocated his jaw, messed up his face, and barely escaped another nose break. He's a mess. His face is swollen and discolored, his mouth is all cut up, and he now has a new girlfriend.

What's a mom to do? I sat back on the sidelines watching it unfold as I bit my tongue and tried my best to keep my opinions to myself. To say I was stressed would be putting it mildly. Lots of drama. Lots of late night coming and goings. And lots of minding my own business. It was all I could do to not cry when John came home after the altercation.

Fast forward to the weekend. All I can say is, "The combination of teenage drivers, idle summer nights, and kids claiming their independence is almost too much for a mom to bear."

Without going into too many details, I will say this about that:  I've got an 18 year old daughter who is sewing far too many wild oats before she leaves for college. This is the child who earned awards and scholarships just last month... the girl who has not been grounded since the age of 13... the one who has not given me an ounce of trouble in all of her teenage days... the person who has a job and who saves her money... the teenager who has been easy to raise... the daughter who has given me joy beyond compare. So what the heck is happening to her this summer? Is it because she turned 18 and graduated all in the same week? Is it because she has never rebelled? Or is it because she really doesn't know any better? I just don't know and my heart is aching.

To sum it up, Friday night involved an extremely poor decision made by Alyssa that ended up taking her to a dangerous part of D.C., a dance club/bar, an hour long taxi ride to get her home, a really late missed curfew, a lost purse, a very scared girl, and a whole lot of tears, not to mention the lies and the booze that were involve. I have never been so worried in my entire life. And now that she is home safe, I am mad and hurt and confused.

Some may ask why I chose to air my dirty laundry on the blog. My response to that is two-fold : 1) to say that I am just now figuring out that good kids can make bad choices, and 2) to say that no matter what we do as parents, there comes a time when we have to watch them make their own mistakes. The hope is that those mistakes become learning tools and that our teenagers will not repeat the same offense twice. Does this happen? I don't know. Am I delusional? Possibly. But the bottom line is that I'm doing my best and even my best cannot protect my teenagers every minute of every day. My kids are growing up and, unfortunately, that means they are going to screw up now and then - a fact that I hate to admit, but a fact, nonetheless. It also means there is not a damn thing I can do about it except continue to offer unconditional love and try to steer them back on the right track once a mistake is made.

The bottom line is that at this moment in time, I am not handling the parenting thing too well. I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm angry. And, worse, I'm at a loss. So if anyone wants to know how my summer is going, all I can say is YIKES. And when all is said and done, I still have to let her go in five weeks when she heads off to college. The thought scares me to death because not only am I not ready, now I am wondering if she is ready for all that freedom.

So... does anyone have any idea on how to "ground" an 18 year old who will only be living at home for five more weeks? She already doesn't have car keys. And barring house arrest, I doubt there is much more I can do that will make the impact I'm hoping for. Maybe the experience alone was enough of a punishment to teach the lesson, because if it wasn't, my fear is that this summer is only going to get worse.

Summertime, and the living is... CRAZY

I'd like to say that I took the week long nap I had planned after Alyssa's graduation events. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I did, however, manage to eek out two days to regroup and read a book once everyone hopped on their jet planes after the big event. But since then, it's been full speed ahead... non-stop... running as fast as I can just to keep up. Getting a child ready for college is a lot of work!

And so because I have not had time to stop and catch my breath, I've also not had time to process the 500+ photos I took when everyone was here. Additionally, I have a self-imposed rule that blog posts require photos, and so I've used that as an excuse to hide from the whole wide world, including my family. However, if I am to be completely honest, the one single reason I have not made time to process the pictures is because I knew that when I took my first walk down the memory lane of Alyssa's graduation week, I would fall to pieces. As it is, I'm barely holding it together. I started crying before she even began her senior year. I cried like a fool the entire week of her graduation. And I bawled like a baby when my mom left after it was over. To make matters worse, last week I actually cried in the bedding aisle of Target when Alyssa purchased a comforter and sheets for her college dorm room. And I cried again on Thursday and Friday when we went to her university campus for two busy days of orientation and registration (an experience that deserves a post of its own). Alyssa is sick to death of seeing me cry. She just doesn't get it - she doesn't understand that I am HAPPY for her. I am EXCITED for her - she is capable, she is competent, and she is ready for college. I know this. But that doesn't mean *I* am ready to send her on the journey. And so in spite of the fact that I am thrilled for her, selfishly, I am scared of my own future. Thus, my lack of desire to take a look back at the pictures celebrating her achievements, because those pictures signify the end of her childhood journey - and although it is time for a new journey to begin, I'm still not ready. She is. I'm not. And that's just the way it goes.

So... now that I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve, admitting that I'm holding on by my fingernails, I will also admit that I'm thinking it might be a good thing that I am so busy this summer, because busy means no time to fall apart. Not that John breaking his nose is a good thing (yeah, he broke it when everyone was here, which means appointments with the surgeon), and not that Alyssa needing new eyeglasses is a good thing (she needs to see, after all), and not that both kids needing updated immunizations this summer is a good thing (toss in a few more medical appointments), and Alyssa has a toothache, which is definitely not a good thing (might as well head to the dentist office while we are at it)... these not so good things are keeping me too busy to process what is right around the corner - Alyssa leaving my nest. It's going to happen. And there is nothing I can do about it, so I may as well spend these final days and weeks throwing myself into mother-mode, which exactly what I've done.

All that said, being busy is still not an excuse for neglecting everything else. Therefore, after receiving numerous emails from family and friends wondering if I was falling apart (these people know me too, too well), and because I am the Unofficial Family Photographer for all things great and small, last night I forced myself to sit down and play with some of my favorite pictures taken in June. And as I did, I cried. However, I also smiled. And in my mind, smiling is the first step in accepting the changes that are to come.

And so with a smile on my face, and a heart filled with love, I share with you some of my favorite moments from June 2008. Last night as I looked at these pictures I finally realized that although some things might change, everything starts and ends with family:

"Family is not an important thing, it is everything."         -Michael J. Fox

The following is a little slide show I put together. These are just a few of my favorite moments with my family. If the album is not scrolling, click on the little x in the upper right corner and it will start all over again. Speed it up, or slow it down... either way, I think you will smile with me:

Alyssa's Graduation Day

Presenting my 2008 DHS graduate!

Exhausted, overwhelmed, emotional and filled with pride. These are only a few of the feelings I've experienced today. I've laughed, I've cried, I've cheered, and I've celebrated. It seems like only yesterday when she was placed in my arms and I said "Alyssa, I love you," for the very first time. Raising this beautiful child has been the greatest journey of my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world. My only regret is that the journey didn't last longer.

At the graduation ceremony today, the staff of DHS presented the final three scholarship awards to the class of 2008. These scholarships were top secret and none of the students or parents knew who the recipients were - the names of the recipients were not even listed on the program... that's how secret the scholarships are. These were the Faculty Scholarships - given based upon leadership, citizenship, community service and academic achievement (and a few other things that I can't remember right now because... well... I'm emotional). Students consider it to be of the utmost honor to receive these scholarships and they are highly regarded. The faculty member who presented the scholarships gave a lovely speech and I was choked up as she talked about the unknown recipients and their individual contributions to the class of 2008. After her introduction and explanation of the scholarship, she shared a bit about each recipient before announcing their name, and as she began to talk about the second recipient, I realized that she was saying some things that I was very familiar with... things that had shaped Alyssa's high school years... things that had consumed my daughter's every waking moment for the past nine months... things that made me wonder if maybe Alyssa was who Ms. Wingfield was talking about. Come to find out, Alyssa was having the same thoughts, but she figured it out much sooner than I did, and she later told me that she was crying tears of joy before her name was ever announced. She told me that the classmates she was sitting in back of turned around and said, "It's you!" She said that the students behind her were poking her back and whispering "Congratulations!" and "Way to go." And she also told me that when Ms. Wingfield announced her name, she was crying so hard she could barely make her way to the stage. Once she finally stopped crying, she began to smile, and she hasn't stopped smiling since. She is so honored to have been chosen for this award. And me... well, there are no words to express the pride I feel.

Here is a picture of Alyssa and the two other recipients of the DHS Faculty Scholarship:

As I said, I'm extremely emotional tonight. I still need to process it all because the event was so much more than I ever imagined. And so I will complete this entry with a pictorial review of the day because I think Alyssa's smile says it much better than words:

John and Alyssa with a very happy mom!

Alyssa with Grammy and Poppy.

Aunt Jenny and Aunt Debbie share our day.

Cousins McKenzie, Hunter and Casey join in the fun.

My heart overflows with love for this child.

Alyssa is at the all-night graduation party tonight. In the morning, we're off to Philadelphia for a few days of sightseeing and fun with the cousins. We plan to swim and shop and check out the Liberty Bell. There will be lots of food involved, too, because I don't cook and I think everyone who is going on the trip is tired of turkey sandwiches and graduation cake. Seriously, I think I've starved them. On Tuesday we will go to Hershey Park before heading for home because by then, these teenagers will be more than ready to collectively experience the unique sense of freedom that can only be found in an amusement park. And the chocolate - they want some of that as well. Alyssa considers herself to be Chief Cousin since she's the graduate and the eldest of the teens, and so in spite of the fact that she is allergic to chocolate, she knows that there are big bins of Twizlers at the Hershey Candy Factory. Therefore, she's given her stamp of approval on this plan. Anything... as long as it's not a turkey sandwich and more graduation cake.

After that, we will wind up Project Graduation as my mom and step-dad head back to the pacific northwest on Wednesday. On Thursday, my sister will be leaving for a visit with her husband's family in D.C. And on Saturday, Debbie and Casey return to Seattle where they will begin packing up their belongings in preparation for their move to Pennsylvania. And after I say my final good-byes and thank yous to the most special people in my life, our grand adventure will be complete... and that is when I plan on taking a week-long nap!

Soon, June 2008 will only be a memory - but the memories we are making at this moment in time will last a lifetime. I am positive that Alyssa will never forget her high school graduation; I know that for the rest of my days, I will feel pride when I remember this day. And when all is said and done, I could not ask for more.

Graduation Week

Poppy's here! And what that means is that it is time to get this show on the road... Project Graduation has arrived.

My sister and my sister in law, along with my beautiful niece and wonderful nephews, will be here in less than 24 hours. I am so excited I can hardly stand it - a house full of family! In the seventeen years I have lived away from the west coast, I have never had this many family members in my home at one time - so this is a really, really big deal! And to say I'm excited doesn't even come close to describing the anticipation I feel. I am literally giddy with delight as I await their arrival.

My mom has been here for the past week. Spending time with her has been a dream come true. She is my rock and my salvation. She knows me like no other, and without her constant presence and never-ending compassion, I fear I would have fallen apart as I watched my baby girl take her final steps of childhood as she prepares for her long awaited independence. It's been hard - I'm fighting letting go, and I'm finding it difficult to graciously accept the fact that my little girl is all grown up. Being with my mom has helped me come to terms with a transition that is inevitable.

We have attended awards assemblies, banquets and pinning ceremonies - lots of pomp and circumstance because high school graduation is one of the few things in life that is a universal momentous occasion. And because it's so momentous, we've tried to do our part in keeping with the spirit of the moment... lots of sitting... lots of clapping... lots of pictures... and lots of going with the flow. We've also done quite a bit of giggling, because after all, giggling is what makes the sitting and the waiting and the going with the flow fun!

For an entire week, my mom and I have gabbed, we've shopped, we've lunched, we've reminisced, and we've commiserated. I don't think I could have done it without her, because to be completely honest - my senior is NOT being 100% cooperative. But then... she's a senior, and as I am now well aware, it's all about her and everything else is secondary because she's graduating, and in her world, that is all that matters!

Okay. So that's that: this week, it's all about Alyssa!

And so in spite of the All About Me thing we are faced with, I have to admit I am very proud of my daughter. Her teachers love her. Her classmates admire her. And this past week as we've seen her presented with awards and certificates and all sorts of special attention, it has become clear to me that she has grown to be a very well-rounded and ambitious young lady. It's a good thing there have been all these ceremonies and such, because without them, I might have missed seeing exactly who my daughter has become. She's a delight! Who knew? Certainly not me! But her teachers knew. Her friends knew. The special ed kids she works with knew. And so did the leaders of our community. But somewhere along the way, I missed it. I was so busy worrying about raising her right and teaching her how to be responsible and compassionate, I didn't see that she was doing exactly what I hoped she would do. Now I know... she's grown up just fine. I must have done something right. Whew. What a relief. I may actually be able to let go... just a little... because it's time - and even though I'm fighting it, she's well prepared to go forth into this great big world without me. Because as much as I hate to admit it - there it is... my work is done - it's time for me to step back and let her follow her dreams and find her way.

And so here's to Alyssa - my graduate. I love you and I am proud of you. Congratulations my beautiful and most precious daughter. May your life be filled with happiness and success. May you find love and joy in everything you choose to do. I wish you a journey filled with delight and adventure. And most of all, I wish for you to find your passion and live your dream, for when you do that, your life will be filled with riches beyond measure.

Three posts in one: Prom, Life is Good, and FINALLY!

2008 Senior Prom

Last night was the Senior Prom. Alyssa went with a group of friends, choosing not to have a date, but rather to enjoy the evening with everyone in her class. She's funny like that - no date just for appearance sake. She'd rather go solo than spend the night with someone she didn't like in the dating sense. I was proud of her for going alone - I don't know if I would have had the courage to do that when I was in high school.

It seems like this spring has been  All About Alyssa, and to a degree, that is true. Being a senior is not only a big deal (and a lot of work) for the senior, but it is also a big deal (and a lot of work) for the mom. I keep telling myself that this happens only once and that I will survive the stress and the crazy days of activity and frenzy - and as the temperatures reached almost 100 degrees yesterday, with a humidity level of what felt like a bazillion degrees, I kept reminding myself that the heat would serve as an added memory to Prom Day as we dealt with the manicure, the pedicure, the hair and the make up, all of which I was just sure would wilt and melt in the heat.

But when all was said and done, Alyssa's Senior Prom was a success and my beautiful daughter looked every bit the mature young woman she has grown to be. I was a tad bit overcome with emotion as I helped her prepare for her final high school prom. The thought foremost in my mind was that I hoped she was able to create last minute memories with the friends she will soon be saying good-bye to. I think she had fun... at least that is the impression I got this morning. Her hair is still "up" today, meaning it didn't fall apart in the heat; her make up is gone, but it still looked fresh (and only a tiny bit shiny) when she returned home after the dance. So all in all, I'm saying hooray! We did it. One more senior activity behind us and one more memory to place in the treasure box inside my heart.

Here is a peek at her dress and hair before the big event:

And this:

I love this picture of Alyssa and her friends. They look so happy and carefree. If I didn't know the inside scoop (the mean girl story), I would not have any inkling that weeks of drama and stress ensued leading up the the Senior Prom. And if a picture is worth a thousand words, I think it is safe to say that the girls were able to put the drama behind them as they had the time of their life the night of the dance.

Life is Good!

YEE-HAW! My mom arrives tomorrow [:smiley face:]. I've, i.e., the house, has been ready for her since Friday, in spite of the fact that my week went to hell in a hand-basket as we weathered a storm and no power, an entire day of medical appointments, and another day of errands that seemed to never end in the oppressive heat and humidity. It's a wonder I got anything done at all, because, after all... it was Prom Week, and for those who have never had a high school senior, know this: everything stops as the world revolves around the student attending the prom, thus, anything else on the agenda becomes secondary. It's a wonder I didn't strangle said senior, and it's a true miracle that Alyssa and I managed to make it through the week with only one or two snipes!

I am so excited to see my mom. She will be here for an entire week before the rest of the family begin to arrive. Our plans for those days include lunches, shopping, lots of chatting and playing, in addition to a Senior Awards Assembly and a "secret" banquet given by the Ruritan Club honoring Alyssa and other students receiving scholarships (Alyssa does not yet know she has won this scholarship - thus, the secret).

And FINALLY...

Some may remember that Alyssa was in a car accident last October - an accident that totaled my SUV. Since that time we have been a four driver family with only one car. To say it's been a trial would not begin to express the test this has been on my patience. Not a day has gone by that someone has not asked me if I've replaced the MDX (my friends knowing that the level of my patience was being sorely tested). And for the past six months, my answer has been, "that's a bad subject."

Well... I am pleased to announce that as of yesterday (the day that Alyssa foolishly thought was all about her, but turned into to being quite a lot about ME!), I am now the proud owner of a Ruby Red 2005 Volvo S60. And although I usually don't get all worked up about material things, this is one material thing that I am thrilled with. I've been happy dancing for the past 24 hours, and every time I see the car in the garage, or drive it [on sometimes unnecessary errands], I have to pinch myself in order to believe that I FINALLY have a new car. One thing I can now say unequivocally is that it was worth the wait - I am having a love affair with my new car. Once my mom arrives, I will ask her to take a picture of me and Ruby Red so I can post it as part of this long awaited celebration.

In looking back over the last few days and weeks, I can't believe that it's here... Alyssa's graduation - the event that will reunite my extended family once again; the event that I've been preparing for since September. I still find it hard to believe that *I* am the parent of a senior. And I can't get over the fact that my little girl is all grown up. I keep wondering where the time went... how did it pass so quickly... and what am I going to do when she leaves for college?

These are questions I will probably be asking for the next year. And since I don't think the answers will be forthcoming for quite some time, I have decided to sit back, relax, and enjoy the moment because tomorrow kicks off the BIG EVENT!

A Full Circle Discovery: Scrapbook Musings

As mentioned in a previous post, cleaning the scrapbook room was the next project on my agenda. Humph. What a chore that turned out to be. And enlightening, too.

I've not scrapbooked in a very long time. Therefore, the room that is dedicated to this craft has been neglected, abused, ignored, and mistreated. When I finally worked up the courage (or was it motivation due to the fact that I am expecting company in less than ten days?) to dig in and repair the damage, I came to a startling conclusion: I have come full circle.

I started scrapbooking, in the most primitive sense, when Alyssa was in first grade. Back then, embellishments consisted of rubber stamps or stickers... Mrs. Grossman's stickers, to be exact. Decorative scissors and shapes were all the rave. Pattern paper was theme heavy, with a lot of concentration placed on holidays, birthdays and seasons. Cardstock was available in white, black, tan, and fluorescent hues - with not much in between. 12x12 pages came in Creative Memories format only - cardstock of this size had not yet been introduced.

That was twelve years ago... I fell in love with putting pictures to pages and I've watched the craft evolve from basic and simple to artistic and more complex. And as the trends have evolved, so have my scrapbooking abilities. Surprisingly, my style has remained relatively the same - more refined, but it is what it is:

Looking back at the first albums I made, I see the history of scrapbooking with every page I turn, and I'm happy to say that even though my first pages were relatively primitive based upon the products available at the time, I am still in love with those albums.

Fast forward to present day. Alyssa is a senior in high school. I've been scrapbooking for a dozen years. I've made more albums than I can count. And I was able to enjoy the pleasure of working in the industry for nine of those twelve years. It's been a journey of discovery and creativity. And as I dug into the mess I've created this past year, I realized that it is a journey I am satisfied with, which is not to say the journey is complete, but rather a realization that the journey has taken a turn - something I now consider to be a relaxed vacation rather than a frenzied trip. I've reached my destination and I'm satisfied with the path that led me here... but now it's time to sit back and enjoy because I am no longer striving to keep up with the trends. I like where I'm at, and I love where I've been!

So what does all this have to do with cleaning a scrapbook room? Well, it has a lot to do with cleaning the room, because cleaning the room was a walk down memory lane... twelve years of history contained in boxes, cupboards, drawers and piles (piles and piles of stuff). As I went through each stack and pile, each drawer and cupboard, each box and bag, I was able to touch the history of my journey, and the cleaning process became something of a treasure hunt. And oh what treasures I found: paper dolls, paper piecing patterns, die cuts and cut outs. What began as a cleaning project soon turned into a reunion with old friends (products and trends that led me on my journey in the first place). And as I selectively chose what to part with and what to keep, I realized that some of those ancient treasures are keepers indeed, because now that I no longer work in the industry, I am once again in control of the path I take - and if I want to use those old treasures, who's to tell me I can't? Once I concluded that I no longer care if what I create is trendy or stylish, the burn to scrapbook returned... and I didn't even know it was missing!

But what I wonder is this: why is it that some hobbies have trends and styles while others are as constant as day and night? And why is it that as hobbyists, we feel the necessity to keep up with the trends even when we are fully satisfied with where we are at? When I sew - it's the same today as it was yesterday, and although the patterns I work with may be new and the fabric may be of better quality than it once was, the actual process and end result are the same: a quilt is a quilt is a quilt. A shower curtain is a shower curtain. And a pillow is a pillow. Nothing changes. Buttons are buttons, thread is thread, needles are needles. The machines are now computerized and programmable, but a zig zag stitch still zigs and zags and a straight stitch is still straight.

With scrapbooking, I don't know that this is true. Paper dolls - out! Paper piecing - archaic. Die cuts of old - tacky. Punch art - some people don't even know what this was, and I've certainly not seen it used on a page this decade. Maybe it is because scrapbooking is still considered a relatively new craft. Or maybe it is because today's women are more business minded and they see an opportunity to take part in the growth, thus designing and developing ever changing ideas and trends. Either way, scrapbooking seems to change faster than the seasons, and it boggles my mind to consider that I was on that ride for so many years. How did I keep up? And more importantly, how did I continue to compete day in and day out for as long as I did?

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. But regardless of the reasons, I am satisfied with where I've been and I like where I am slowly going, because although I am still curious to see what direction scrapbooking takes, I no longer feel the need to touch and feel and work with every single new product there is. And, as I discovered this week, I'm not yet willing to say good-bye to some of the trends that are now considered out-dated. Those trends are why I fell in love with this hobby - those trends represent over a decade of my life... and to be completely honest, I still like some of those old trends, even if they are out of date and considered tacky and uncool.

And so my discovery is this: I've come full circle. I have returned to scrapbooking for me.. for the pure love of paper and glue... for the desire to put pictures to pages... for the creative outlet... and for my love of color - which is how it all began in the first place. I like seeing the circle complete. It represents each and every year that Alyssa has been in school - that's how long I've been making scrapbook pages. And when she looks back at those old albums, she will not care one tiny bit whether or not the products and styles were trendy and new at the time the pages were made. What matters most is that it began with a passion to creatively document and remember her childhood, and after all these years, it has returned to its roots - a desire to creatively remember the days of our lives.

And so maybe scrapbooking isn't so different from sewing after all. Maybe paper and glue are just the needle and thread of the craft. After all, a page is a page, just the same as a quilt is a quilt. And so maybe the core of scrapbooking is just another fiber of my life... a fiber whose texture is whatever I want it to be - and what was once a fancy organza has now become a very simple flannel, which still offers comfort no matter how plain it may be, because in the end, what began as a very primitive craft is still exactly that - paper and glue. And no matter what it is or how it came to be, my circle is complete and I am comforted in knowing it is something I will always love to do.

The Hugs & Kisses Project

My mom arrives in Virginia in less than two weeks. I've not seen her in over two years, and to say I'm excited is putting it mildly. To be honest, I'm so anxious to see her and the rest of my family that I can barely think straight.

For the past five weeks I've been getting ready for our distinguished guests. In fact, I made a list... a plan of attack... a schedule, which included digging in, cleaning out, and a couple little room makeover projects. But as my husband likes to say, "Nothing is ever as easy as it seems." Once again, he was right, because my "little projects" turned into huge projects, and my plan of attack temporarily took a back seat while I recovered from an annual bout of bronchitis.

But I'm back on track! Yay! And regardless of whether or not everything gets done, my mom will soon arrive and she won't mind a bit if my closets are messy and my windows are dirty. Best of all, she will appreciate the little things that I have managed to accomplish, because more than anyone, she knows that when I take on a project that involves a sewing machine, I lose track of the hours and days and weeks.

I've named the latest project The Hugs and Kisses Project because the room was updated based upon a quilt I made especially for the makeover. What started out as John's childhood room (the place he slept before he found independence and decided to move down to the basement, which he has since taken over as his personal domain), has now become a second spare bedroom... not The Ritz, and nothing fancy, but a room for a single guest to find a bit of privacy and lay their head when we have a house full of people. Keeping in mind that the only time we have a house full of people is when my entire family comes for a visit, this room will probably be used most often by Alyssa's out of state college roommates who come home with her on three day weekends. Either way, I think the room will be used frequently, and so the time spent giving it a makeover was well worth the effort. Plus, it felt good to dig in and get rid of John's old toys and little boy treasures (things that weren't really treasures to begin with, i.e. rocks, comic books, broken pencils, and all sorts of odds and ends that had no place other than the trash can).

I began with the essentials: a color palette, two gallons of paint, a pile of fabric, and a sewing machine. The colors were chosen based upon the quilted wall-hanging that I planned to make. The bedding was purchased at Target for the low price of $39.99. Seriously, who can beat that price for bedding? I LOVE Target! The paint color was chosen not for the name (Cabbage Green???? Yuk!), but because it looked fresh and clean, and this little room was in dire need of something fresh and clean.

First, I made the curtains, then I painted the room... one coat... and then I got sick. So everything sat undone and messy for an entire week. When I got back on my feet, I finished painting the room and then sat down to the business of sewing the quilt. The quilt took an entire week and a total of 52 hours to create - which only goes to prove that my husband is right: nothing is ever as easy as it seems. But in the end, I have to say that making this quilt was one of the most challenging things I have ever sewn. And even though it will hang in a room that is used only on occasion, it was made with love, knowing that whomever stays in this room will always be an honored guest in our home. And for that reason alone, I am in love with this quilt.

Here is the end result of the room makeover. I've included before and after pictures, but the "before" is not really the true "before" because if I were to have taken pictures of the true "before" I would have had to explain why an entire room in my home was filled to overflowing with boxes of crap. And to be honest, I'd rather not have documentation of all that junk (which I gladly gave to the Goodwill). So the "before" picture is actually the "after" picture of what the room looked liked "after" I cleaned it out and "before" I painted and redecorated it...

Next on the agenda is digging out my scrapbook room because, like the unseen "before" pictures of John's childhood room, the scrapbook room is filled with boxes of... stuff (I won't say crap since *I* consider the stuff to be treasures, much like John considered his rocks and broken pencils to be treasures). The scrapbook room is low on the totem pole of rooms that will be used when my family visits, but I guarantee that if my mom or my sister were to see that room in its current state of being, I would never live it down and they would probably be shocked at my disregard for all those so-called treasures. Note that there will be NO SEWING involved in this next project, therefore, I anticipate the task to take one single day. I'll let you know how accurate that guesstimate turns out to be, because like Jeff so often reminds me: nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

Mean Girls

Does it ever end - the mean girl mentality? The answer is: sometimes, no... it does not end.

Alyssa is a senior - she only has three weeks left of high school, and one would think that by now the mean girls would have grown up. Apparently, they have not. The current drama is about the Prom, and dates, and transportation, and probably a whole bunch of other things I have no clue of. Regardless of the reason, I find myself once again witness to the pain that mean girls cause. This time around, I have a 17 year old daughter who is crying her heart out because, "everyone hates me," and she is missing her senior class trip to Hershey Park this weekend (it was her choice not to go because she didn't want to deal with the drama and the humiliation of being shunned).

As a mother, it infuriates me that the same girls who were mean in elementary school are the girls who are mean in high school. I'm guessing these will be the same girls who grow up to be the snotty moms that create all sorts of drama in the PTA, because the unfortunate truth of the matter is that mean girls don't always outgrow the mean girl mentality... sometimes, mean girls grow up to be mean woman, and the mean gene is there for life.

For the past year John has dated a girl named Taylor. She is the victim of a group of mean girls in her class, and on numerous occasions, I have helplessly watched Taylor suffer unkind acts. And every time she hurts, my heart goes out to this shy, sweet, loving girl. I have grown very fond of Taylor and I am always happy when she spends time in our home because I know she feels safe and loved when she is here. And even though it's not much, it is nice to be able to offer her that - a peaceful environment away from the mean girls, if only for a few hours.

Sadly (for me and for Taylor), John broke up with Taylor this spring. The first thought I had when he told me he was breaking up with her was, "where will she go when those mean girls attack?" The second thought I had was that I would miss her terribly. But, as so often happens with teens, girlfriends and boyfriends come and go and it's not my place as a parent to interfere just because I have grown close to a passing crush. As it was, John predicted that the break up would be more difficult for me than it was for him. He was right!

Since John and Taylor broke up, Taylor has stopped by to see John on several occasions. Always, I greet her with a hug and tell her how much I miss her (probably not the cool mom thing to do, but I can't help it... I adore her). Yesterday, Taylor called and asked if she could stop by - she told John that she had something for me. Since John knows how much I like Taylor, he kindly invited her over. Come to find out, Taylor had heard that I've been very sick (bronchitis - it hit me fast and hard, and I've been in bed for days), and because she is so sweet, she brought me a card and some flowers. Oh how I love this girl! She is truly one of the good ones.

After Taylor left, I thought about how she has stayed so sweet in spite of being verbally attacked by the mean girls for an entire school year. Between Taylor and Alyssa, too often I have witnessed the fallout from mean girls as I've watched these two girls suffer. And to be honest, it hurts me almost as much as it hurts them because I am helpless to change the situation. But the fact that Taylor and Alyssa are both still sweet after being treated the way they have tells me that they have changed the situation! They have overcome the obstacles and are better people because of the suffering they have endured, which doesn't make it okay, nor does it make the pain go away... it is just a product of their need to survive the painful high school years.

And so I guess the whole point of this post is to say to all the moms who deal with the pain of watching our daughters ache, my hope is that our daughters will be the girls who will grow up and become compassionate adults; that our daughters will be stronger because of the suffering. Because yesterday, when I looked into Taylor's eyes that were filled with kindness, I realized that she has risen above the mean girls - and she is beautiful inside and out (although this is something she has yet to discover). Yesterday, it was apparent to me that the painful journey of being a victim of the mean girls has taught Taylor to look beyond the nasty head cheerleaders and the vain Prom Queens. She is miles ahead of those who choose to hurt others, because Taylor has grown up to become a caring and compassionate young woman - something the mean girls may never know.

In the end, I know it's all part of growing up. And I know that growing up is painful. But that doesn't make it any easier to endure or to watch. And that doesn't make it okay. Knowing how mean girls act only serves to remind me that Alyssa and Taylor are not the only victims. Which is unfortunate, because being a teenager is difficult enough without being verbally attacked or publicly shunned by ones peers. And to see these girls cry... well, it just breaks my heart. No one deserves that.